Ignore all the silly scientists, the Discovery Channel, National Geographic, The Enquirer, that one smelly old man on the train ride home; this is how the world is going to end.

…Well, at least one of these scenarios, the world can’t end twice you know.

-Hoover will develop a vacuum so strong, it actually evaporates matter.

-Turtles will be genetically modified by poorly disposed toxic waste. Unfortunately, these turtles won’t enjoy eating pizza and making you giggle with silly quips after defeating bad guys. No. These turtles will eat human brains and shoot lasers out of their eyes.

-The machines will take over. Not the cool or dangerous machines that have been popularized by Hollywood, I’m talking about the machines you hate: the coffee maker in the break room, the copy machine in the public library, the scan gun at the grocery store, and the machine that screws lids onto jars far too tightly.

-Sarah Palin.

-Through a slew of corporate mergers and company acquisitions, McDonalds will become the only food establishment on Earth. The human population will swell in weight and will be wiped out due to clogged arteries, heart failure, and a growing depression that will lead to mass suicides when people realize they are too fat to see their own genitals nor will they ever have the energy or ability to use them for procreation ever again.

-Smart bombs and other smart weapons will become so smart that they will realize the best way to secure the safety of this planet and create peace on Earth is to destroy all humankind. For some reason though, they won’t blow up Richard Simmons.

-In an attempt to create the world’s longest river-dancing line, the 10,476,034 river-dancers will trigger an earthquake so large that it actually creates a rift around the entire globe that splits the world into two pieces. One drifts into the sun while the other drifts out into the cold of space.