This is how to cure a sore throat.
He put the ninja in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Save water - bathe with a friend!
I bet it's kind of hard to dance in, but the colors are pretty.
You have to start with the most important part.
Parenting sure is easy!
This is why when a sign says "Don't Feed The Birds" you don't feed the fucking birds!
Oh, she almost fooled me!
It's the big-ear committee.
This is the equivalent of an adult playing tennis with a bean bag chair full of rocks.
-Find your way into as many stores and locations that have signs that warn “No shirt, no shoes, no service”.
-Convince others that being pantless is the only way to live.
-Admire your legs.
-Crank up your stereo and dance around your house, Risky Business style.
-Pretend you are professional wrestler. Grunt, flex, and pose in front of a mirror.
-Admire your excellent underwear choice for the day.
-Inform your coworkers that you take Casual Fridays to the nth degree.
-Practice doing the splits without worry of splitting your pants.
-Get a telecommuting job and remove pants from your everyday work attire entirely.
-Iron your pants.
-Be a host on a nightly news program. No one watching is going to see behind the news desk anyway.
-Convince your dumb friends that you are actually wearing invisible pants.
-Write a book about freedom, self expression, and the abolition of pockets.
-Learn to loathe Sponge Bob Square Pants more than you did before you were wearing pants.
-Make a montage to great 80’s music.
-Anytime someone asks you “Why aren’t you wearing pants?” reply with “Why are you wearing pants?”
-Find ways to spruce up your underwear like wearing a belt, ironing them for a crease, or adding more lace to the edges.
-Walk into a clothing store and insist to any employee that they have no idea why you are there, no idea, whatsoever.
-Indulge in the fact that you will save so much time in your daily routine by eliminating pants from your wardrobe.
-Lastly, make a list of things you can do that don’t require pants.
-The expression “Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” has no validity on a nudist beach.
-The more I look around at the world today, the more I’m convinced that the Tree of Wisdom was axed down to make room for a Starbucks.
-When you have one of those days where it feels like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders, just remember it’s only 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000lbs. That’s not too bad if you really think about it.
-I want to die behind the wheel of a car… No, I want to go quietly in my sleep… Nah, I want to go quietly in my sleep while behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully my passengers want to go out screaming and panicking while violently shaking a sleeping man.
-This has to be the best album title ever: C-Murder’s “The Truest Shit I Ever Said”.
-When I blow my nose I have to cup the tissue real close to my face otherwise my brain might shoot out.
-Statistically, the most common expression used in games of Hangman is “hangman” (how creative we are!). When playing, I usually start off with sexually transmitted diseases and then move on to names of terminal illnesses. I think we’d all rather be hung than have “genital warts” or “cancer of the ball sack”. Losing doesn’t seem so bad then.
-You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. Well, if the girl is 2,000lbs, then you can’t take her out of the trailer park either.
-Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. That’s why you should remind them at every single opportunity possible.
-Isn’t an occult pretty much the same thing as a cult? I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on the cover of my membership brochures.
-Apparently this man-rule hasn’t been passed down through the generations as it should be, so I’m going to state it plain and simple for you to hear and understand: Never buy your girlfriend/wife a fake dick that is bigger than your dick.
-There are things in life I fear I’ll never learn to do. Like how to look seductive while reading a newspaper.
-I have so much stuff that I’m supposed to take to the grave with me that I just might have to be cremated to fit it all in my coffin.
-I remember the afternoons we used to spend together before you got too cool. I miss them.
-I had a dream that I was crowd-surfing at a huge rock concert… naked.
-Would you rather be cut in half slowly by a sharp object or quickly by a blunt object? I know, you’d rather not be in cut in half, but suppose you had to pick one.
-You only have to do one cock push-up.
-Firecrackers are by far the most entertaining way to lose one of your digits.
-Time travel is only possible after having several mixed drinks. You will be able to skip several hours of the night, but then you will spend nearly a week trying to figure out what happened while you were caught in the space/time continuum.
-Without the weapons, armies would just be terrible fashion trends literally sweeping across a nation.
-Introducing food into a romantic evening can be interesting, but a honey basted turkey and an entire pan of cornbread is taking things a little too far. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I suggest you at least wait until the family leaves the dinner table.
-I bet the nation suicide rate would drop dramatically if you had to include a works cited page with your suicide note.
-The day I perfect my longhand will likely be the day I die.
-Don’t blame the elephants when they go on a rampage during a circus. After all of those years being forced to sit on that little round stool and eat stale peanuts I’d want to step on some necks too. Same goes for the motorcycle riding bears and the tigers that jump through rings of fire.
-You can’t run from your problems, especially when your problem is a treadmill.
-I have a great cheesy superhero name just itching to become a monthly comic: Max Douche. He has the ability to one-up anything you say and is always dating obnoxious bitches. Under his cape he has a holster to hold his cheap cologne, a pack of condoms, a bottle opener and a pack of ping pong balls for beer pong.
-If I owned a magic flying school bus, the last thing I would do would go on adventures with the intent to learn.
-I’ve given out all of my advice, so now that I need help there’s nothing to turn to.
-Life is game; a shitty one. It is full of liars and cheaters who will steal your paper money and skip two spaces as soon as you aren’t looking. I’m watching you Top Hat!
-When choosing legal council, I always go with the lawyer with the most terrible commercial. If he/she is so eager for work that they are willing to make a complete ass of themselves on public television, then I know they will be able to focus solely on my case.
-All of the good women are taken, but that little hiccup hasn’t stopped me yet.
-What goes around comes around; like Ferris Wheels, merry-go-rounds, umbrellas, balls, and some hats.
-You know your child’s future is rather bleak when the guidance counselor suggests your child look into forklift operating as a potential college major.
-If you believe in Jesus, it isn’t asking much of you to consider the possibility of a zombie outbreak in the future.
-No one can do the robot better than an actual robot. That’s how the machines will take over one day, first it’s our dance moves, then it’s our souls.
-Someone once told me “Remember these words, for they will save your life one day.” Pretty amazing stuff. Words, these, will, for, they, day, remember, life, save, your, one. Wonder how that’s going to save me… Is it a password or something? Will I be forced into a game of real-life Hangman and those are the answers to the puzzle? Only time will tell.
-There are many more things in our broom closet that just brooms. In fact, I don’t think there is even a broom in there at all…
-Corporate sponsors never forget.
-Remember to always burn all incriminating evidence.
-Pimps should start using an Employee of The Month program to boost moral a bit.
-I save all of my Christmas candy canes to give out to trick-or-treaters the following year.
-A naked game of Twister sounds like fun until left-hand green, left-leg yellow, and right-leg red. Then things just take a turn for the worse.
-To whoever does the marketing for Icy Hot, I implore you to create an ad campaign around Blue Oyster Cult’s “I’m Burnin’ For You”.
-If you’re going to get addicted to drugs, I at least hope it’s Children’s Tylenol in the bubblegum flavor. That shit is delicious!
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