February 6th, 2010
-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.
-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.
-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.
-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.
-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.
-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.
-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.
-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.
-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.
-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.
-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.
-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.
-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.
Tags: amateur night, chewing gum, cremated, csi, divorce, elderly, gym, law and order, life, marriage, new car smell, peewee herman, porn, serial killer, space travel, super powers, time travel, whiskey, whisper
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January 21st, 2010
Possibly the best t shirt ever created.
Las Fantasticas Tortugas!!!1!1!
I want this wallpaper because I would enjoy becoming cross eyed and barfing everytime I enter my room.
There is a price to being too efficient.
Justice is served.
Hope he didn't dent her trunk. Zing!
I'm sure I've seen this on America's Funniest Home Videos... circa 1994.
Why do Asians hate the rest of the world?
Protect the jelly filling, serve it directly to our mouth.
Son of a beach.
Tags: captions, funny, images, pictures, random
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January 9th, 2010
-Which skill set do you think would be more beneficial in hand-to-hand combat: knitting or lots of hours playing Gameboy?
-I have yet to write a book review for any class that didn’t include the line: “My favorite part of this book was the cover art.”
-There’s no better way to show your girl how much you care, then to give her a loving mammogram for Valentines.
-Restrooms are used for a lot of things, but rest isn’t usually one of them.
-Fencing is pretty much just silly dancing that gives two rich folks the chance to poke each other with a stick.
-If you wore leopard print pants, a zebra print top, a beaver fur coat, and a hat lined with rabbit fur, you’d be matching and looking fabulous in my book. PETA would fucking hate you though and probably bomb your house while you’re out on the town in your jungle-themed getup.
-The only way I’d join the police force is if they had discounts on the stuff they keep stored in the evidence room.
-If I ever become president of the world, I’m making every Monday, Margarita Monday.
-There needs to be a website like Rate My Professor that keeps track of which hospitals have the best looking nurses because when no American has health insurance anymore, I’d like to know that I’m getting the most for my money.
-Sometimes truth can set you free – other times it will send you straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
-You’re riding on a bus and there are only two seats left; one next to you and one next to a man who is partially on fire. You know you’re ugly when a woman wearing lots of hairspray boards the bus and takes her chances with the human torch guy.
-If you can’t say anything nice, please speak louder so we can all bask in your ignorance and stupidity!
-I really, really hope the Spice Girls make a huge comeback in 2010. Now that I’m with my lover and her friends, I just have to know what I need to do next!
-As soon as we can solve the disappearing sock problem we’ll be able to unravel the mysteries of the universe.
Tags: book review, bus, fencing, fur, gameboy, jail, knitting, mammogram, margaritas, on fire, peta, police, president, rate my professor, restroom, socks, spice girls, truth, ugly, valentines
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January 8th, 2010
Brains - It's whats for dinner!
She is using the force of grace and beauty to tip toe herself into stardom.
There should be more beer involved with ping pong. I think there's a really great idea for a fun drinking game behind that.
The real life Lion King.
Parents of The Year 1886
"High five bro."
Batman really let himself go...
Not the fashion photography your parents thought you were majoring in.
There, all fixed!
The sound of a thousand drummers drumming is a lot like the sound of a headache.
Tags: captions, funny, images, pictures, random
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December 31st, 2009
Spoilers from the next Twilight movie.
We call this one The Slingshot!
Look out for the turtleneck!
She looks like one of the villains from The Fifth Element.
Must have been texting.
Some things are just better left in the dark.
I dug a hole halfway to China on a par 4 once.
For the record: elephant > lizard.
When he's not sniffing butts he solves crimes and mysteries.
This is almost as cool as my tattoo of Oprah riding on a unicorn.
Tags: captions, funny, images, pictures, random
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