-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.
-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.
-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”
-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”
-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.
-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.
-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.
-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.
-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.
-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.
-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.
-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.
-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.
-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.
-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.
-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.
Hahahaha… I was like what? Spell attic? I don’t get it. Until I did it. :)
(shakes head) Good stuff Mr.
3 wrongs might not make a right. But 3 left turns make a right!
I’m f-ing tired of people coming into my place of business and asking se habla espanol? (I don’t even know if I spelled that right because NO. I DO NOT SPEAK FUCKING SPANISH.) We live in TEXAS. In AMERICA. Where everyone speaks ENGLISH. For hundreds of years, people have been migrating here from distant, far away lands. They acclamated (sp? useage?) by adopting everyone else’s customs and learning to speak the language. YET. Whenever people ILLEGEALY cross a river (not even come from a far away distant land mind you) we have to adjust to them. If you don’t want to learn the language, go back across the river. Seriously.
Why is that we can have African American month and Hispanic month and Native American month, but we can’t have a White month? We let them have theirs, so CLEARLY we’re not the racist ones. THEY won’t let US have OUR heritage days.
And while I’m at it. I might not be Jewish or Muslim or even Catholic, but if someone would like to say a little blessing for me, I’m sure as heck not going to turn it way. I need all the help I can get. So why is it that whenever you wish someone Merry Christmas, God bless you when they sneeze or say I’ll keep you in my prayers, do they get so damn offended?? Wish me Happy Hanukkah. I will HAPPILY respond “thank you! You too!”
GEEEEEEEZ.
Ugh.
The end.
(steps down off the soap box)