-When nature calls, I resolute to not answer the call in the middle of a public place.

-I resolute to start smoking this year. That way I’ll have something serious to answer when people ask what my resolutions are for 2011.

-I resolute to stop helping old ladies across the street and asking for sexual favors in return.

-I resolute to lose 20 pounds by summer even though I’ll likely find them again before next Christmas.

-In the coming year, I resolute to writing an amazing power metal love ballad.

-For a new year’s resolution, I promise to start quietly shushing people who talk during movies rather than to continue threatening the life of their first born child.

-This New Years, I resolute to be honest and frank about my feelings and to immediately inform someone that they are an idiot as soon as they speak of dumb things.

-I resolute to not giggle when I see a woman eating a banana… Okay, okay, maybe that’s stretching it too far. I resolute not to giggle as much.

-Even though it will never happen because I’m a total loser, I resolute to being more optimistic in the coming year.

-I resolute to sleep with a 10 this year, …or five 2′s.

-Next year, I resolute to doing at least one sit-up every day. And yes, waking up and getting out of bed will count as 1.

-This next one is a multi-year resolution; this year, I resolute to become a famous movie star. The following year, I resolute to be on Dancing With The Stars.