-The expression “Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” has no validity on a nudist beach.
-The more I look around at the world today, the more I’m convinced that the Tree of Wisdom was axed down to make room for a Starbucks.
-When you have one of those days where it feels like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders, just remember it’s only 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000lbs. That’s not too bad if you really think about it.
-I want to die behind the wheel of a car… No, I want to go quietly in my sleep… Nah, I want to go quietly in my sleep while behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully my passengers want to go out screaming and panicking while violently shaking a sleeping man.
-This has to be the best album title ever: C-Murder’s “The Truest Shit I Ever Said”.
-When I blow my nose I have to cup the tissue real close to my face otherwise my brain might shoot out.
-Statistically, the most common expression used in games of Hangman is “hangman” (how creative we are!). When playing, I usually start off with sexually transmitted diseases and then move on to names of terminal illnesses. I think we’d all rather be hung than have “genital warts” or “cancer of the ball sack”. Losing doesn’t seem so bad then.
-You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. Well, if the girl is 2,000lbs, then you can’t take her out of the trailer park either.
-Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. That’s why you should remind them at every single opportunity possible.
-Isn’t an occult pretty much the same thing as a cult? I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on the cover of my membership brochures.
-Apparently this man-rule hasn’t been passed down through the generations as it should be, so I’m going to state it plain and simple for you to hear and understand: Never buy your girlfriend/wife a fake dick that is bigger than your dick.
-There are things in life I fear I’ll never learn to do. Like how to look seductive while reading a newspaper.
-I have so much stuff that I’m supposed to take to the grave with me that I just might have to be cremated to fit it all in my coffin.
-I remember the afternoons we used to spend together before you got too cool. I miss them.