-When Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat, people called her an artist. When I wore a dress made out of meat, my neighbors told the police I was a cross-dressing cannibal.

-”If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” -Aristotle Onassis

-There’s no better way to shave your chest, thighs, and eyebrows than a dry slip-n-slide.

-My self-esteem is so high that my tears have dreams of growing up into tidal waves.

-If you think you have things figured out, then it’s obvious you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

-How hot is it outside? It’s need-to-strip-down-naked-just-to-take-out-the-garbage kind of hot outside.

-When a girl cancels a date, she has to. When a guy cancels a date, he has two.

-You can’t even imagine my disappointment when I stumbled into, and discovered the real meaning of, my first booby trap.

-Here’s a great passive-aggressive way to break up a relationship you’re stuck in: stop bathing.

-I’m not a morning person. Honestly, I’m not even much of an early afternoon person either.

-A world without jesters would be far crueler than a world without kings.

-Apparently, Head Over Heels isn’t just a position in the Kama Sutra.

-Just to make golf more interesting, they should have a televised tournament where the players only play during lightning storms.

-I like my music like I like my women: loud and ugly.

-If another man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see shit.

-There are times that try men’s souls; like after over-eating at a Mexican restaurant.

-When opportunity knocks, you let that fucker in!