Author Archives: admin

Slightly Sketchy With A Chance Of Bullshit

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-My morals are questionable, my beliefs… also questionable… my sexual appetite; undoubtedly insatiable.

-If you have to take medicine for the side-effects of other medicine you have to take, then the medical industry has failed you.

-Worst single’s website screen name for a female: Miss Manslaughter.
Worst single’s website screen name for a male: No Means Yes Please.

-I wonder what terrible things could escalate from me hiring two private detectives to follow one another.

-The best way to get a free pen or pencil is to borrow one from the person next to you and chew on the end of it.

-I’m rubber and you’re glue, so your sexual advances are leaving us both in a sticky, sticky, rubbery mess.

-The only more awkward than the question “Excuse me, where can I find the hemorrhoid cream?” is the response “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

-“That’s what she said” jokes are funny, because they aren’t very likely; “That’s what he said” jokes aren’t funny because they’re just true stories.

-Holding hands and thumb war are only a few digit-placements away; proof of the thin line between love and total annihilation.

-If Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores without social ramifications then Halloween is also my chance to be a complete womanizer and cross-eyed cleavage gawker!

-Kicking and screaming is a good way to get what you want anywhere but a china store.

-If you tilt your head a little to the left and squint one eye, this sentence makes even less sense but you’ll look like you just discovered something extremely puzzling to anyone else watching you.

-Until I was about 9 years old, every diagram of the human skeletal system had a “sex bone”. It just made sense.

-I never knew punctuation could be so scary until I heard a friend’s reaction to his girlfriend missing a period.

-I drink a lot to avoid the consequences of being sober enough to be confronted about my drinking problem by my friends, peers, and coworkers.

Remarkably Satisfying

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-When Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat, people called her an artist. When I wore a dress made out of meat, my neighbors told the police I was a cross-dressing cannibal.

-”If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” -Aristotle Onassis

-There’s no better way to shave your chest, thighs, and eyebrows than a dry slip-n-slide.

-My self-esteem is so high that my tears have dreams of growing up into tidal waves.

-If you think you have things figured out, then it’s obvious you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

-How hot is it outside? It’s need-to-strip-down-naked-just-to-take-out-the-garbage kind of hot outside.

-When a girl cancels a date, she has to. When a guy cancels a date, he has two.

-You can’t even imagine my disappointment when I stumbled into, and discovered the real meaning of, my first booby trap.

-Here’s a great passive-aggressive way to break up a relationship you’re stuck in: stop bathing.

-I’m not a morning person. Honestly, I’m not even much of an early afternoon person either.

-A world without jesters would be far crueler than a world without kings.

-Apparently, Head Over Heels isn’t just a position in the Kama Sutra.

-Just to make golf more interesting, they should have a televised tournament where the players only play during lightning storms.

-I like my music like I like my women: loud and ugly.

-If another man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see shit.

-There are times that try men’s souls; like after over-eating at a Mexican restaurant.

-When opportunity knocks, you let that fucker in!

Drunk With Power And Whiskey Mostly Whiskey

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-Everyday is a toga party if you just stay wrapped up in your bed sheets.

-There is a fine line between coloring inside the lines and coloring outside the lines.

-I reward attention whores with encouragement. Encouragement for them to take their attention-seeking to new heights; to get them to do things that they will spend weeks trying to forget. They like attention; I like being entertained by other people’s stupidity, win-win.

-If the waiter doesn’t provide me with a box of crayons to draw on the tablecloth then I am in a restaurant I don’t want to be in.

-Appendages matter. Pulling someone’s hair, someone’s finger and someone’s leg all have completely different implications and consequences.

-The fastest way to get caught in the act of armed robbery would be to hold up a doughnut shop.

-I will forever be perplexed by how often people say “I understand” when they clearly don’t understand a damn thing at all.

-If a book or documentary is going identify by name the first and last soldiers killed during a war, they should show respect and take the effort and the time to identify every soldier that died.

-If you live in a glass house, throwing stones should be only one of many of your concerns. Using the restroom, changing clothes, and pretty much anything involving nakedness should also be of high consideration on your list of things you probably shouldn’t be doing.

-Any chair can be a lawn chair; location, location, location.

-Interventions are the worst kinds of surprise parties.

-”My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates

Concentration Problems Like Hey Look Cupcakes

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-Johnson and Johnson really dropped the ball with their shampoo products. Tear free shampoo is nice, but how about going the distance for a shampoo that provides a boost in self esteem or one that tells you jokes every time you open the bottle (and I mean funny jokes, not jokes about how silly you look naked in the shower).

-Imagine how scary watching someone laugh is when you were born deaf. All of a sudden everyone opens their mouths and starts convulsing. That has to be terrible.

-The witch hunt of the 21st century will be sparked by a widespread belief that if you fail 3 Captcha attempts in a row, you are most certainly a robot and need to be wiped from the earth for your travesties.

-”His ignorance is encyclopedic.” -Abba Eban

-The only thing worse than herpes is space herpes.

-When did someone decide that enough interesting stuff has happened to mankind that it was time to create the first history museum?

-Those who delete their internet history are forever doomed to repeat it.

-When you’re a fat kid, the food pyramid creates a whole different mental image than for most other people.

-I’m perplexed by the Waldo character Martin Handford is trying to bring to life in his Where’s Waldo series. Is Waldo trying to get lost in the world, is he desperately trying to stand out from everyone else? What a conundrum.

-In this day and age and with the advances in technology that we’ve had, I think it’s time that the freezer receives a light when you open the door just like the refrigerator has. Society is ready for this, make it happen.

-I want die any other way than by “natural causes.” Fuck nature, I’m not giving in to that bitch.

-You’re like sprinkles on a shit sandwich.

Thanks For The Venom

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-I’d like to see a lumberjack try to get aboard an airplane with a suitcase full of axes and a chainsaw as his carryon.

-Your success at living with scars isn’t determined by how well you conceal them, but by how proudly you display them, acknowledge them, and understand what you’ve learned from them.

-Someone needs to invent a machine that juggles jugglers.

-“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” –Jean Cocteau

-There’s slang a night owl and an early bird, but what about someone who is out in the afternoon? Perhaps “late rooster”? Or maybe “mid-day duckling”?

-I bet whichever Jack jumping-jacks were named after was a real obnoxious prick.

-If you’ve made the decision to drink all day then there’s no problem with starting early.

-I just came up with a great idea for a sequel: Old Yeller 2: Yeller’s Revenge… in 3D.

-Fun Fact: One sperm has 37.5MB worth of DNA information in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer rate of 529GB per second.

-I’m Blame Game World Champion four years running now!

-If a baseball player hits a homerun, but dies before he can run around the bases, does the homerun still count?

-There are two situations I never want to be in: one is to be stuck on a two person bicycle with The Flash and the other is the situation we’re in right now.

-Guys with erectile dysfunction have mourning wood issues.

-I’ve been breaking hearts since before Pat Benatar made it cool.

Confetti Vomit And Unicorn Glue

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-You know your girlfriend is a bad cook when her stories about her Easy Bake Oven involve her accidentally burning down Barbie’s Playhouse and how her room wreaked with the smell of burnt Troll doll hair.

-I was kidnapped and held ransom once for $9 in unmarked bills.

-It’s sad when your comedy channel has become the news channel and your news channel is the old comedy channel. Who needs reality? Entertain me!

-Around the office pranks can make the monotony of the work day diminish a little, but my coworkers weren’t too happy with the thin coat of Icy Hot that I put all over the hand rails, light switches, and, especially, the toilet seats. However, the vodka in the water cooler was a huge success!

-“Break neck speed” isn’t really possible; “break neck stop” however, is pretty damn common.

-Three-out-of-five stay at home moms suffer from extreme Tupperware addiction. I want this issue addressed as a key talking point in the next presidential election.

-I think it’d be fun to offer my friends a deluxe DVD package showcasing a few hours of my most hilarious and heartwarming moments. I will find a way to work capitalism into every single one of my interpersonal relationships.

-”If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” -George Bernard Shaw

-Technology has once again let me down. Everything today has a friends list, or some sort of social directory, yet none of them have an enemies list or a “people I’d like to see repeatedly stubbing their toes on furniture” list.

-Throwing money at your problems is not a solution unless we’re talking about spilt liquids and paper bills. In that case, throwing money at your problem is a solution, although not the most cost efficient one.

-The whiskey and cookie diet is the newest fitness craze sweeping the nation! Paired with the lounge-around-your-house-all-day-in-your-underwear workout, you’ll have the body of a Greek God/Goddess in mere weeks!

-The problem with promises is that they are too easily made and too easily broken.

Things You Should Know About The 2011 Rapture and Harold Camping

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-According to Camping, the rapture will occur by time zone at 6:00pm. At the time of publishing, it is already Sunday morning in Australia, and nothing has happened. There was no giant earthquake and no zombies have risen from the dirt.

end of days party wagons

-Oh yes, part of the rapture involves zombies. The dead will climb out of the earth and their bodies will cover the earth until the actual apocalypse, which Camping claims is October 21, 2011.

-Harold Camping, the man who predicted these very specific dates has netted over $80 million dollars in donations to his organization, Family Radio Worldwide.

-Rapture related businesses are cashing in on the craze: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7366804n

-Camping is an 89 year-old with dementia. Dementia affects memory, language, and problem solving ability: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dementia

-Camping is expecting his employees to return to work on Monday morning.

-Camping originally predicted the rapture and ultimate destruction of the universe to be in September of 1994.

-Don’t execute your pets just yet: http://www2.wnct.com/news/2011/may/21/man-plans-kill-pets-rapture-ar-1053598/

-Even most Christians disagree with Camping’s claims, but if this whole ordeal has challenged your beliefs in heaven and the almighty, most Atheists are throwing parties! So get out there and mingle with like-minded individuals and maybe you can start living your life anew.

 
-Or, you can just sit tight, December 21, 2012 is just around the corner!

The Whole Kit And Caboodle

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-Bet Bin Laden is really kicking himself for checking-in on his Facebook when he got to his palace in Abbotabad, Pakistan.

-You may have done yoga before, but have you tried yoga-on-fire?

-The sound from snapping your fingers is created by your middle finger hitting your palm and not your thumb rubbing against your index finger.

-Butterflies taste with their feet. So if Jeff Goldblum got mixed up with a butterfly instead of a fly in the teleportation machine, he’d likely never set foot in a public restroom ever again.

-We have Bold and Italic options, what we need now is a Sarcasm setting. Save ourselves a lot of explaining and backpedaling time.

-I used to dread catching a red traffic light, but now I find it to be the optimal time to read and reply to texts.

-My great uncle was killed by a herd of stampeding calico cats.

-My great aunt was a really great storyteller.

-In France you can legally marry a dead person. Talk about a romance gone cold…. a relationship gone stale… a couple’s decay of common interests… a stiff house guest… a dead end relationship. I’ll be here all week ladies and gentlemen!

-Nothing makes for a good story like a series of really bad decisions.

-Here’s to burning bridges as fast as I can clear the last rope-plank step!

I Will Treat You Right

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-What if one day your computer becomes self-aware and tells everyone all of the horrible, horrible things you’ve been looking at?

-I bet Tyrannosaurs were the best knitters.

-“I thought she might be crazy when she saved a loose fingernail clipping of mine that got left on the bathroom floor, but when she looked straight into my eyes and asked if I could do the dishes I knew she was bat-shit crazy!”

-Dictionaries can tell a million stories. They have all the right words you just have to find the perfect order.

-It took many years and many one dollar bills, but I have finally overcome my fear of naked, uninhibited breasts.

-The most common lie told these days is “Yes, I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.”

-Nothing is worse than being embarrassed and feeling flush and then someone points out how red your face is and how embarrassed you must be. Thanks. People are such dicks.

-“Cute as a button” – what kind of weird apparel fetish do you have?

-It really upsets me when a store has double-doors but they only have one door unlocked. What kind of weird mind experiment trick are playing on me shop keeper?! I demand answers!

-“Do you know how fast you were going?” “No officer, I bought the only car on the entire planet that doesn’t have a speedometer. This sweet ride is pretty much just a Power Wheels on steroids.”

-Few things in this world could be worse than being trapped in an elevator with a mime who takes miming extremely seriously.

-Your love is a trapdoor that is a slide made of rainbows that leads to a vat of glitter that slowly swallows me like quicksand and I’m being smothered by the dazzle and choking on the magic.