Author Archives: admin

Switch Off Your Autopilot

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-I haven’t been able to gauge which one is better after a night of partying; waking up naked, or waking up fully clothed in what I wore the night before.

-I love a good story about people wasting their lives searching for the fountain of youth. So much irony.

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who names feathers in their hat anyway? This shit keeps me awake at night.

-You can wear a sports jersey if: (1) you actually play the damn sport, (2) you are at the actual sporting event, (3) you are sleeping with the athlete whose name is on the jersey. If you are not meeting the requirements of (1) or (2), then (3) will be assumed.

-“I miss you as much as I miss the toilet when I’m drunk.”

-Even if you eat Cheetos with a knife and fork, you will still somehow have orange crumbs on all of your fingertips. Even if you eat Cheetos while wearing a fully enclosed biological suit you will still get orange crumbs on your fingertips, that shit is inescapable.

-Zombies hate nothing more than a boarded up entryway.

-On slow afternoons I memorize the words to porno movies.

-Earlier this week I had a day where it seemed everything I touched, I broke. I was too terrified to use the restroom.

-One does not dabble in the friend zone. Foot, thigh, waist, shoulders, head; the friend zone swallows you whole.

-“Why are you dressed like a pirate? Halloween isn’t for months.”
“It’s laundry day.”
“But you had to wear the eye patch?”
“It completes the outfit!”

-No one wants to go down on their significant other and feel like they’re talking to ZZ Top.

-As a man, I can confidently inform the female population that getting sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine is a terrible idea. Those articles are not typically written by heterosexual males, so the validity of the information is highly questionable and subject to great bias. You’d be better off asking a nun what men like in the bedroom.

Eyes Like Wildflowers

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-I’ve been killing zombies since I was 10. It’s the only crisis I’ve ever felt prepared for.

-I play this game with myself when people are talking to me, I pay attention intently, nod my head when a response is requested, sometimes I’ll even voice my opinions on the matter being discussed and then I remember shit. People think it’s funny. I’m going to call this game “listening”. We’ll see if it catches on.

-The worst thing a girl can do to a guy is give him time to think things over.

-The truth will set you free – unless you’re guilty, then it will get you 5-10.

-I lost 20lbs on the “I drank more whiskey than what was previously thought to be humanly possible in one night” diet.

-It’s the details that qualify a statement:
“I found a publisher for my first book… It will be the first coloring book to focus on the great depression. It will only require black, grey, brown, and dark blue to color.”
“I never spend a night alone… Because I live with seven dwarfs and many, many cats.”
“I’m not an axe murderer… I’m a knife murderer. Have you ever tried sneaking an axe into a movie theater? Very difficult.”
“I can count… Up until about twenty, then it starts getting tricky.”
“I’ll never forget the first time we met… And how much I wanted to strangle you so you would shut up.”
“I hate paying bills… That’s why I’m going to live in my parent’s basement until they kick me out.”

-You have the freedom to succeed and the freedom to starve.

-If you watch Godzilla backwards it’s the story of a giant lizard that rebuilds a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.

-Ideas are like fireflies. When in the open night air they are almost magic, but when under scrutiny in the confines of a jar they lose their magic as logistics and reason begin to take over.

-At the rate we’re going, by 2035, girl’s outfits will continue to cover less and less of their body until they are walking around in bikini sized outfits. Meanwhile, men will still be criticizing other men who wear speedos as swimsuits.

-I wonder if there was someone that Elvis based his stage appearance on. Surely he wasn’t the first man with black hair, sunglasses and sideburns. Imagine how flattering it would be to have a yearly convention of people trying their damndest to look just like you.

-I hate surprises, unless its lingerie. Those surprises are welcomed!

-A perfectionist is someone who has a practice funeral before they actually keel over.

-I need a phone with a built in breathalyzer so that when I call or text anyone after 9pm it shows them my blood alcohol content level.

-When going on a blind date through mutual friends you tend to worry about what your date will think of you, but when you go on a date set up through the internet you tend worry if your date is actually an axe murderer or not.

-I have reason to believe that she is make-believe.

A Long Time Coming

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-Which color crayons do you think taste the best?

-If you have ever thought “Well, at least Valentine’s Day isn’t an expensive holiday.” you are a woman.

-As a personal rule to myself, I try to avoid people who treat me like an umbrella. The people who let you sit there, dormant in the corner, until they need you to block the shit falling on them from the sky. Then, and only then, are you two best friends.

-But I’m a sucker for a nice smile.

-eHarmony and Match.com are the internet’s version of writing “For a good time call…” on a bathroom stall. Can’t complain though, a dates a date.

-If I had to create a PowerPoint presentation for my own funeral, I’d never die.

-If I’m ever caught in the middle of some life threatening emergency or crisis, I’m going to turn to the nearest woman and hurriedly demand “Quick! Take off your bra! I have an idea on how to get us out of here!” And then we’ll just play it by ear from there.

-Overheard on the toy aisle or adult supply store:
“Should we get extra batteries in case she doesn’t get tired of playing with it?”
“I like that it lights up and makes noises, I don’t like that it’s small enough to swallow.”
“Poseable positions and karate chop action! This is amazing!”
“I’m not sure if this will fit in my ass.”

-The beginning of the year is always the hardest for me. I can never decide on what calendar to get and most times it takes me nearly 6 months to make a decision.

-I wish I could pick my own nickname. I’d be the Cuddle Monster.

- CSI coloring book. Someone make this.

-With every new social network I hate people more and more. Funny how that works.

-The only thing filthier than my mouth is my mind, so until they come up with Abraxo Brain Cleaner, you’re just going to have to deal with it.

-It’s always going to be sour grapes with you.

Dirty Janitor Hands Making You A Sandwich

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-Men don’t marry gymnasts for their cultural knowledge just like women don’t marry rocket scientists for their theories on the origin of the universe.

-Ever had a great idea, then halfway through the execution of said idea, you are interrupted by yet another great idea that makes you completely forget your original great idea?

-Deaf, dumb, and blind is about the only way to live life without being exposed to idiots.

-Just when you think you have it all figured out, Facebook goes and moves around its menus and features.

-Mumbo-jumbo must be on the decline. Haven’t heard anyone speaking that language in quite a while.

- If there’s anything I learned in grade school it’s that I’m rubber and you’re glue, anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Oh, and that girls have cooties; rabid, contagious, life threatening cooties.

-I’m going to celebrate Thanksgiving by storming into my neighbor’s house and telling them that I live there now.

-It takes two to tango, and three to limbo. Remember that. Forever.

-The only way to truly relax in the seated position is while resting snuggly in the bowls of a beanbag chair.

-Probably the worst euphemism for sex you’ll hear today, and possibly tomorrow: “The pigskin bus is pulling into tuna town.”

-I don’t want to say “I told you so”, so “I spoke to you about that” will have to suffice.
-The cover of a girl’s magazine was advertising an article about “260 ways to excite your man”. I’m a man, and I could only come up with 4 ways. I’m thinking there is either some extreme exaggeration or my Friday nights could be about 65 times better.

-My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

-WARNING: Alcohol consumption greatly reduces your ability to whisper.

Essay Topics Students Actually Want To Write About

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If your mom was the teacher for one of your classes, how much would that suck and why?

Compare and contrast: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers.

Five Second Rule. Explain.

If you weren’t at school right now, where would you be and what would you be doing? Consider including how much fun you’d be having, and how shitty you just realized your day really is.

What does Batman have stored in his belt?

What’s your favorite movie that, as far as you know, is not based on a book?

Zip-close binders: pro’s, con’s and how long did it take for the zipper to break on yours?

Are page-hole reinforcements really a necessary school supply?

Why is it that only geography teachers call “colored pencils” “map pencils”?

Why are bras great?

If you were in charge of the cafeteria, money is no option, and everyone liked the same food you do, what food would be served? How hungry are you now? How bad is our current cafeteria food? Are you a little less hungry now?

If you determined the school dress code, what would it be?

Write a short story in the dialogue of a pirate.

Wasn’t show-and-tell awesome? Discuss.

Write an instructional guide to making an effective diorama.

Write about how much you hate writing essays.

Write a persuasive paper about the negativities of wearing pants.

Don’t even write a paragraph; just doodle something in the margins.

A Billion Screaming Babies To Your Headache

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-Been saving up for my funeral; the laser show and pyrotechnics are gonna be awesome!

-I wish ignoring people was as easy in real life as it is on Facebook.

-Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and awkward hard-on’s.

-Saying “in my opinion” before or adding “that’s just my opinion” to the end of every remark really makes you look like a prick. Show some confidence in your judgments and intellectual thoughts. Put your balls on the line and say how you feel unabashed for a change.

-I occasionally frolic, but only when no one is looking.

-There are just some things in life you’re better off not knowing, like what your crush really thinks of you and what hotdogs are made of.

-I carry the burdens of others, not to seem strong, but to empower those who feel weakened.

-A good imagination can get you out of most any trouble, and I mean really deep, deep shit.

-A dentist giving out candy to all of his patients is a good example of ensuring future business.

-When you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, banging your head against a wall is only a solution if you need a perfectly head-shaped dent in a wall.

-1:00 AM is my new 9:00 PM now. Unfortunately though, 7:00 AM is still the same shitty 7:00 AM.

-Wishing myself away, until I hear you begging me to stay.

Love Is Friendship Set On Fire

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-If at first you don’t succeed and if you can’t say anything nice, make like a tree and never take no for an answer. Then turn the other cheek, get your panties in a wad, make lemonade, and beat a dead horse until the fat lady sings… Or however the saying goes.

-I’m going through a hard time in my life right now; that little awkward stage between puberty and death.

-The secret to staying young is to make forts in the living room on rainy days. The secret to staying old is walking into the living room and destroying any forts that might persist there.

-I had my own reality show, but after hours of pointless exposition and several predictable plot twists, producers realized the show was a bad idea and cancelled it before the first season ever aired.

-The Book of Eli would be just as compelling of a movie if instead of the last bible, Eli was carrying with him the last Dr. Seuss book.

-What happened to B-size batteries? There’s plenty of A’s, why no B’s?

-Nothing will get you in more trouble faster than an idea.

-Is it wrong that I have a burning desire to find those happy couples in the eHarmony television ads and purposely break them up using forged sexy e-mails and photoshopped pictures of them with other lovers?

-It’s not really summertime in Texas until getting the mail in your bare feet gives you second degree burns on the bottom of your feet.

-You’re the wind beneath my wings and the jumbo jet crushing my face.

Get Hip To The Fall

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Ignore all the silly scientists, the Discovery Channel, National Geographic, The Enquirer, that one smelly old man on the train ride home; this is how the world is going to end.

…Well, at least one of these scenarios, the world can’t end twice you know.

-Hoover will develop a vacuum so strong, it actually evaporates matter.

-Turtles will be genetically modified by poorly disposed toxic waste. Unfortunately, these turtles won’t enjoy eating pizza and making you giggle with silly quips after defeating bad guys. No. These turtles will eat human brains and shoot lasers out of their eyes.

-The machines will take over. Not the cool or dangerous machines that have been popularized by Hollywood, I’m talking about the machines you hate: the coffee maker in the break room, the copy machine in the public library, the scan gun at the grocery store, and the machine that screws lids onto jars far too tightly.

-Sarah Palin.

-Through a slew of corporate mergers and company acquisitions, McDonalds will become the only food establishment on Earth. The human population will swell in weight and will be wiped out due to clogged arteries, heart failure, and a growing depression that will lead to mass suicides when people realize they are too fat to see their own genitals nor will they ever have the energy or ability to use them for procreation ever again.

-Smart bombs and other smart weapons will become so smart that they will realize the best way to secure the safety of this planet and create peace on Earth is to destroy all humankind. For some reason though, they won’t blow up Richard Simmons.

-In an attempt to create the world’s longest river-dancing line, the 10,476,034 river-dancers will trigger an earthquake so large that it actually creates a rift around the entire globe that splits the world into two pieces. One drifts into the sun while the other drifts out into the cold of space.