Things You Should Know About The 2011 Rapture and Harold Camping

Posted on May 21, 2011 by admin

-According to Camping, the rapture will occur by time zone at 6:00pm. At the time of publishing, it is already Sunday morning in Australia, and nothing has happened. There was no giant earthquake and no zombies have risen from the dirt.

end of days party wagons

-Oh yes, part of the rapture involves zombies. The dead will climb out of the earth and their bodies will cover the earth until the actual apocalypse, which Camping claims is October 21, 2011.

-Harold Camping, the man who predicted these very specific dates has netted over $80 million dollars in donations to his organization, Family Radio Worldwide.

-Rapture related businesses are cashing in on the craze: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7366804n

-Camping is an 89 year-old with dementia. Dementia affects memory, language, and problem solving ability: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dementia

-Camping is expecting his employees to return to work on Monday morning.

-Camping originally predicted the rapture and ultimate destruction of the universe to be in September of 1994.

-Don’t execute your pets just yet: http://www2.wnct.com/news/2011/may/21/man-plans-kill-pets-rapture-ar-1053598/

-Even most Christians disagree with Camping’s claims, but if this whole ordeal has challenged your beliefs in heaven and the almighty, most Atheists are throwing parties! So get out there and mingle with like-minded individuals and maybe you can start living your life anew.

-Or, you can just sit tight, December 21, 2012 is just around the corner!

Why We Celebrate Cinco de Mayo

Posted on May 5, 2011 by admin

To drink more tequila than previously thought to be humanly possible in just one evening!

you drink these on may 5th, but the repercussions will echo through the ages

AM On Facebook

Posted on April 8, 2011 by admin

Click Here and become a fan of AmazinglyMundane on Facebook! Updates will appear in your news feed!

Essay Topics Students Actually Want To Write About

Posted on October 12, 2010 by admin

If your mom was the teacher for one of your classes, how much would that suck and why?

Compare and contrast: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers.

Five Second Rule. Explain.

If you weren’t at school right now, where would you be and what would you be doing? Consider including how much fun you’d be having, and how shitty you just realized your day really is.

What does Batman have stored in his belt?

What’s your favorite movie that, as far as you know, is not based on a book?

Zip-close binders: pro’s, con’s and how long did it take for the zipper to break on yours?

Are page-hole reinforcements really a necessary school supply?

Why is it that only geography teachers call “colored pencils” “map pencils”?

Why are bras great?

If you were in charge of the cafeteria, money is no option, and everyone liked the same food you do, what food would be served? How hungry are you now? How bad is our current cafeteria food? Are you a little less hungry now?

If you determined the school dress code, what would it be?

Write a short story in the dialogue of a pirate.

Wasn’t show-and-tell awesome? Discuss.

Write an instructional guide to making an effective diorama.

Write about how much you hate writing essays.

Write a persuasive paper about the negativities of wearing pants.

Don’t even write a paragraph; just doodle something in the margins.

Get Hip To The Fall

Posted on July 23, 2010 by admin

Ignore all the silly scientists, the Discovery Channel, National Geographic, The Enquirer, that one smelly old man on the train ride home; this is how the world is going to end.

…Well, at least one of these scenarios, the world can’t end twice you know.

-Hoover will develop a vacuum so strong, it actually evaporates matter.

-Turtles will be genetically modified by poorly disposed toxic waste. Unfortunately, these turtles won’t enjoy eating pizza and making you giggle with silly quips after defeating bad guys. No. These turtles will eat human brains and shoot lasers out of their eyes.

-The machines will take over. Not the cool or dangerous machines that have been popularized by Hollywood, I’m talking about the machines you hate: the coffee maker in the break room, the copy machine in the public library, the scan gun at the grocery store, and the machine that screws lids onto jars far too tightly.

-Sarah Palin.

-Through a slew of corporate mergers and company acquisitions, McDonalds will become the only food establishment on Earth. The human population will swell in weight and will be wiped out due to clogged arteries, heart failure, and a growing depression that will lead to mass suicides when people realize they are too fat to see their own genitals nor will they ever have the energy or ability to use them for procreation ever again.

-Smart bombs and other smart weapons will become so smart that they will realize the best way to secure the safety of this planet and create peace on Earth is to destroy all humankind. For some reason though, they won’t blow up Richard Simmons.

-In an attempt to create the world’s longest river-dancing line, the 10,476,034 river-dancers will trigger an earthquake so large that it actually creates a rift around the entire globe that splits the world into two pieces. One drifts into the sun while the other drifts out into the cold of space.

Resolutions I Resolute To Actually Bring To Resolution This New Year

Posted on December 30, 2009 by admin

-When nature calls, I resolute to not answer the call in the middle of a public place.

-I resolute to start smoking this year. That way I’ll have something serious to answer when people ask what my resolutions are for 2011.

-I resolute to stop helping old ladies across the street and asking for sexual favors in return.

-I resolute to lose 20 pounds by summer even though I’ll likely find them again before next Christmas.

-In the coming year, I resolute to writing an amazing power metal love ballad.

-For a new year’s resolution, I promise to start quietly shushing people who talk during movies rather than to continue threatening the life of their first born child.

-This New Years, I resolute to be honest and frank about my feelings and to immediately inform someone that they are an idiot as soon as they speak of dumb things.

-I resolute to not giggle when I see a woman eating a banana… Okay, okay, maybe that’s stretching it too far. I resolute not to giggle as much.

-Even though it will never happen because I’m a total loser, I resolute to being more optimistic in the coming year.

-I resolute to sleep with a 10 this year, …or five 2′s.

-Next year, I resolute to doing at least one sit-up every day. And yes, waking up and getting out of bed will count as 1.

-This next one is a multi-year resolution; this year, I resolute to become a famous movie star. The following year, I resolute to be on Dancing With The Stars.

Ten Insider Trick-Or-Treating Tips And Strategies

Posted on October 18, 2009 by admin

Here are ten great ways to make the best of gathering delicious sweets from the hands of strangers.

Instant Death vs Instant Delicious

Location, Location, Location: There is a trick to picking your haunts, avoid houses that look like the home of an actual serial killer and skip houses that are so huge they have more than one front door. You’re looking for the middle class residents, the ones in nice homely houses with some festive decorations up. There is a story floating around that the giant mansions in gated communities are giving out king size candy bars and handfuls of money, but that’s just an urban legend spread by the unlucky fools trickin’ and treatin’ in the shitty parts of town on the other side of the railroad tracks.

Good luck getting past the snipers and the trip wire mines.

Plan Your Route: Like any good military strategist you need to have a solid battle plan. Are you going to hit up elderly Miss Robinson’s house before 6pm or risk coming at 7pm and her being passed out after watching Columbo? How is the weather? If it’s raining, your feet better be hitting the pavement. That’s the golden hour of candy fetching. There’s no better time to snag the loot than when the candy-givers think you might be the last trick-or-treater they ever see.

These kids are doing it right. Butterfly pumpkin? Seriously, WTF?

Pick A Cute Costume: By cute, I don’t mean going with some low cut top showing cleavage or going with some tight shorts that show off your moose knuckle [male version of camel toe]. No, no, by cute I mean going with a costume that is adorable, something not store bought, something ragtag, mismatched, homemade, and nearly pathetic. Your goal is to be something iconic, but make them almost feel sorry for you having to wear that getup in public.

Or hell, you could just be every member of Slipknot.

Simple Garbs And Multiple Masks: If you really can’t get the last hint to work in your favor, the next option is to be dubious in how you amass your sweets. The trick here is to wear really simple garbs as the bulk of your costume, like a black robe, a hooded gown, or a black dress. Now here’s the devious part; bring along multiple masks. Go to the door say the magic words ["Trick or treat". "Please" has no place on all hallows' eve.], then head back to the end of the driveway and switch your face then go back to the door. Maybe talk with an accent this time to really seal the deal.

Pictures like these make dentists smile.

Start Early, Double Hit Houses: Time is money, start early. In my area 5pm is about as early as deemed acceptable. Now if you managed to follow the pathetic-homemade-costume rule above, here’s how you can double hit houses: start early before everyone else and then come back to the same houses during rush time. Approach the door with groups of trick-or-treaters you don’t know. If the homeowner calls you out, play dumb: “But mister, it’s dark now, I didn’t realize I had already been down this street.” “I can barely see out of this mask, I thought you were a woman!” You just doubled your candy gathering rate. Congratulations, your dentist will be pleased.

It's a tough world out there. Hopefully your costume includes two pairs of underwear.

Best Behavior: Be patient, old people move slow. Sure he might only be dropping in one piece of candy that looks like it was made during World War II, but that’s one more piece of candy than you had before. Be polite, compliment their Halloween costume but hope that they really are wearing a mask and that their face isn’t really just that messed up. If they are handing you candy you like, emphasize that that is your favorite candy. Tell them that no one else is giving out that candy tonight and that you’ve been looking forward to sinking your teeth into those sweet morsels all evening. If you aren’t that outgoing then act shy, not too shy though. I mean you’ve got to at least mutter “Trick or treat!” with some gusto, but act shy enough to convince them that this is your first time trick-or-treating. If you’re a teenager, perhaps you should have a back story of how you just immigrated to this country as an excuse of why you haven’t done this before.

Amateur.

Carrying Your Treasures: Most schmucks will bring a little plastic jack-o-lantern to collect their candy in. Leave that shit to the amateurs – you’re here for business. Bring along one of those iconic orange and black plastic containers, but, and here’s the secret, also bring along a king size pillow case. What you want to do here is every time you go up to a house, put just a handful of candy in your plastic bucket and offer that to the candy-giver and then before you move on to the next house, dump some of the candy into your pillowcase that you’re concealing from the homeowners. Everyone likes to give stuff to the needy, if they see your pillow case, they’ll probably be stingy on you.

The competition.

Filter Out The Crap: Upon transitioning your candy from the plastic bucket to your pillow case, filter out the crap you don’t want. We’re not only focusing on quantity here, our goal is obscene amounts of quality sweets as well.

Be the jerk and all of this could be yours.

Be A Total Jerk: If someone isn’t home and they leave a note about only taking one piece of candy, be the jerk and take the whole damn bowl. If you don’t do it someone who comes by after you surely will.

I can feel your blood-sugar level trembling already.

Stash Your Own Stash: In the days and weeks leading up to Halloween, surely your parents will start to accumulate a few bags of candy to give out to your competitors. Tilt the odds in your favor and every day take a little bit of the candy out of the bowl and stash it away for yourself. It’s a dog eat dog world, well, it’s a dog eat your candy so you eat the dog’s candy first world.

Follow these little tips and you just might have enough candy to last you until next year. If you’re lucky, you won’t become a diabetic by Christmas Eve.

Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

Posted on October 13, 2009 by admin

Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

Women’s Costumes

figure 1

The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

figure 2

If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

figure 3

What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

figure 4

Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

Men’s Costumes

figure 1

Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume. Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

figure 2

Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

figure 3

Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

figure 4

Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

Couple’s Costumes

figure 1

These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

figure 2

The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!

Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown

Posted on August 11, 2009 by admin

We’ve all heard the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but there are a plethora of other ways to let your significant other know that they aren’t so significant. As with any other tactic or strategy, there is usually a counter maneuver you have to be aware of. I’ll break down your break ups and let you know what to be wary of.

Alright, let’s start breaking hearts.

Option 1: Fake Your Death
Most obvious of your options when it’s time to call it quits, but one of the trickiest moves to pull off successfully. Works great when you are moving, joined the armed forces, have been relocated for your job, or if you two have only dated over the internet.

Doesn’t Work When: You’re dating your next door neighbor, you two share mutual friends who cant keep secrets, or if you are dating someone in the same apartment complex – easily turning your day into the longest elevator ride of your life as you try to explain to them that you are just a ghost… and that even ghosts have to go grocery shopping.

Option 2: Plant Evidence That You’ve Been Cheating
Evidence suggesting you’ve been cheating is a good way to get them to break up with you, saving you the hassle of initiating the conversation and ensuring they will never want to talk to you again. Guys just need to buy a bottle of cheap perfume that smells sweeter than a sugar cube and a bottle of honey having sex. A few spurts on your chest when you’re on your way home is a sure way to make her think you’ve been snuggling with an 18 year old. Girls, all you need to do is splash a little Brut on your inner thighs. Next time you’re in bed together, your soon-to-be ex will quickly wonder what other recently shaved gentleman has been dining as his buffet, if you catch my drift.

Doesn’t Work When: It will work, but if your partner is close to your family and friends it’s likely that they will spread word of your deeds and everyone will think you’re a total asshole for a month or two. Beware of that.

Option 3: Build-A-Break-Up-Bear
By now, everyone is probably familiar with Build-A-Bear stores and their products, but I’ll give you a quick summary. Build-A-Bear is a place to assemble your own teddy bear to give to someone. You pick out its look, its stuffing, its clothes; you even can record a message on it to play when someone squeezes one of the bear’s paws. All you need to do is record your parting message and give it to the one you loathe. Hopefully the sweet thoughtfulness and cuteness of the bear will counter the sour message delivered through the cheap and terribly muffled speaker that’s telling them it’s time to see other people.

Doesn’t Work When: Your less-than-better half is deaf, but works twice as well when your partner has a deep rooted fear of bears – stuffed, or real.

Option 4: Counter Commitment
If your relationship is new, suggest it’s time to get married and have four dozen children together. If your relationship has been long, be sure to let them also know that you see no kids in your future and let them know that you don’t believe in marriage and that you were put on this earth for one thing: having sex – having sex with lots of people.

Doesn’t Work When: They actually share the same views. Rare, but it does happen.

Option 5: Electronic Billboard At The Baseball Game
Let the world know that you aren’t meant for each other, your lover’s feet stink, they’re always late, they’re terrible in bed, and that they whistle when they talk sometimes on the world largest LCD television, the good old JUMBO-TRON 5000! Quick, easy, and only costs about $40 to have your message displayed. Plus, if you went to the sporting event with your friends, it will save you the hassle of having to describe why you two broke up over and over again.

Doesn’t Work When: Your main-squeeze is blind, can’t read, or happens to be in the bathroom when your message is displayed. This one takes some planning, but sure to leave a lasting impression.

You might want to print this out and keep it with you in case of emergencies.

Good luck out there.

AmazinglyMundane.com

A tongue-in-cheek blog covering many topics and written as a stream of thoughts.

Category Archives: Focused Posts

Things You Should Know About The 2011 Rapture and Harold Camping

Why We Celebrate Cinco de Mayo

AM On Facebook

Essay Topics Students Actually Want To Write About

Get Hip To The Fall

Resolutions I Resolute To Actually Bring To Resolution This New Year

Ten Insider Trick-Or-Treating Tips And Strategies

Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown