Focused Posts | AmazinglyMundane.com

Archive for the ‘Focused Posts’ Category

Get Hip To The Fall

Friday, July 23rd, 2010

Ignore all the silly scientists, the Discovery Channel, National Geographic, The Enquirer, that one smelly old man on the train ride home; this is how the world is going to end.

…Well, at least one of these scenarios, the world can’t end twice you know.

-Hoover will develop a vacuum so strong, it actually evaporates matter.

-Turtles will be genetically modified by poorly disposed toxic waste. Unfortunately, these turtles won’t enjoy eating pizza and making you giggle with silly quips after defeating bad guys. No. These turtles will eat human brains and shoot lasers out of their eyes.

-The machines will take over. Not the cool or dangerous machines that have been popularized by Hollywood, I’m talking about the machines you hate: the coffee maker in the break room, the copy machine in the public library, the scan gun at the grocery store, and the machine that screws lids onto jars far too tightly.

-Sarah Palin.

-Through a slew of corporate mergers and company acquisitions, McDonalds will become the only food establishment on Earth. The human population will swell in weight and will be wiped out due to clogged arteries, heart failure, and a growing depression that will lead to mass suicides when people realize they are too fat to see their own genitals nor will they ever have the energy or ability to use them for procreation ever again.

-Smart bombs and other smart weapons will become so smart that they will realize the best way to secure the safety of this planet and create peace on Earth is to destroy all humankind. For some reason though, they won’t blow up Richard Simmons.

-In an attempt to create the world’s longest river-dancing line, the 10,476,034 river-dancers will trigger an earthquake so large that it actually creates a rift around the entire globe that splits the world into two pieces. One drifts into the sun while the other drifts out into the cold of space.

Tags: end, end of the world, theories, world
Posted in Focused Posts | No Comments »

Resolutions I Resolute To Actually Bring To Resolution This New Year

Wednesday, December 30th, 2009

-When nature calls, I resolute to not answer the call in the middle of a public place.

-I resolute to start smoking this year. That way I’ll have something serious to answer when people ask what my resolutions are for 2011.

-I resolute to stop helping old ladies across the street and asking for sexual favors in return.

-I resolute to lose 20 pounds by summer even though I’ll likely find them again before next Christmas.

-In the coming year, I resolute to writing an amazing power metal love ballad.

-For a new year’s resolution, I promise to start quietly shushing people who talk during movies rather than to continue threatening the life of their first born child.

-This New Years, I resolute to be honest and frank about my feelings and to immediately inform someone that they are an idiot as soon as they speak of dumb things.

-I resolute to not giggle when I see a woman eating a banana… Okay, okay, maybe that’s stretching it too far. I resolute not to giggle as much.

-Even though it will never happen because I’m a total loser, I resolute to being more optimistic in the coming year.

-I resolute to sleep with a 10 this year, …or five 2′s.

-Next year, I resolute to doing at least one sit-up every day. And yes, waking up and getting out of bed will count as 1.

-This next one is a multi-year resolution; this year, I resolute to become a famous movie star. The following year, I resolute to be on Dancing With The Stars.

Tags: new, new years, resolutions, year
Posted in Focused Posts | No Comments »

Ten Insider Trick-Or-Treating Tips And Strategies

Sunday, October 18th, 2009

Here are ten great ways to make the best of gathering delicious sweets from the hands of strangers.

Instant Death vs Instant Delicious

Location, Location, Location: There is a trick to picking your haunts, avoid houses that look like the home of an actual serial killer and skip houses that are so huge they have more than one front door. You’re looking for the middle class residents, the ones in nice homely houses with some festive decorations up. There is a story floating around that the giant mansions in gated communities are giving out king size candy bars and handfuls of money, but that’s just an urban legend spread by the unlucky fools trickin’ and treatin’ in the shitty parts of town on the other side of the railroad tracks.

Good luck getting past the snipers and the trip wire mines.

Plan Your Route: Like any good military strategist you need to have a solid battle plan. Are you going to hit up elderly Miss Robinson’s house before 6pm or risk coming at 7pm and her being passed out after watching Columbo? How is the weather? If it’s raining, your feet better be hitting the pavement. That’s the golden hour of candy fetching. There’s no better time to snag the loot than when the candy-givers think you might be the last trick-or-treater they ever see.

These kids are doing it right. Butterfly pumpkin? Seriously, WTF?

Pick A Cute Costume: By cute, I don’t mean going with some low cut top showing cleavage or going with some tight shorts that show off your moose knuckle [male version of camel toe]. No, no, by cute I mean going with a costume that is adorable, something not store bought, something ragtag, mismatched, homemade, and nearly pathetic. Your goal is to be something iconic, but make them almost feel sorry for you having to wear that getup in public.

Or hell, you could just be every member of Slipknot.

Simple Garbs And Multiple Masks: If you really can’t get the last hint to work in your favor, the next option is to be dubious in how you amass your sweets. The trick here is to wear really simple garbs as the bulk of your costume, like a black robe, a hooded gown, or a black dress. Now here’s the devious part; bring along multiple masks. Go to the door say the magic words ["Trick or treat". "Please" has no place on all hallows' eve.], then head back to the end of the driveway and switch your face then go back to the door. Maybe talk with an accent this time to really seal the deal.

Pictures like these make dentists smile.

Start Early, Double Hit Houses: Time is money, start early. In my area 5pm is about as early as deemed acceptable. Now if you managed to follow the pathetic-homemade-costume rule above, here’s how you can double hit houses: start early before everyone else and then come back to the same houses during rush time. Approach the door with groups of trick-or-treaters you don’t know. If the homeowner calls you out, play dumb: “But mister, it’s dark now, I didn’t realize I had already been down this street.” “I can barely see out of this mask, I thought you were a woman!” You just doubled your candy gathering rate. Congratulations, your dentist will be pleased.

It's a tough world out there. Hopefully your costume includes two pairs of underwear.

Best Behavior: Be patient, old people move slow. Sure he might only be dropping in one piece of candy that looks like it was made during World War II, but that’s one more piece of candy than you had before. Be polite, compliment their Halloween costume but hope that they really are wearing a mask and that their face isn’t really just that messed up. If they are handing you candy you like, emphasize that that is your favorite candy. Tell them that no one else is giving out that candy tonight and that you’ve been looking forward to sinking your teeth into those sweet morsels all evening. If you aren’t that outgoing then act shy, not too shy though. I mean you’ve got to at least mutter “Trick or treat!” with some gusto, but act shy enough to convince them that this is your first time trick-or-treating. If you’re a teenager, perhaps you should have a back story of how you just immigrated to this country as an excuse of why you haven’t done this before.

Amateur.

Carrying Your Treasures: Most schmucks will bring a little plastic jack-o-lantern to collect their candy in. Leave that shit to the amateurs – you’re here for business. Bring along one of those iconic orange and black plastic containers, but, and here’s the secret, also bring along a king size pillow case. What you want to do here is every time you go up to a house, put just a handful of candy in your plastic bucket and offer that to the candy-giver and then before you move on to the next house, dump some of the candy into your pillowcase that you’re concealing from the homeowners. Everyone likes to give stuff to the needy, if they see your pillow case, they’ll probably be stingy on you.

The competition.

Filter Out The Crap: Upon transitioning your candy from the plastic bucket to your pillow case, filter out the crap you don’t want. We’re not only focusing on quantity here, our goal is obscene amounts of quality sweets as well.

Be the jerk and all of this could be yours.

Be A Total Jerk: If someone isn’t home and they leave a note about only taking one piece of candy, be the jerk and take the whole damn bowl. If you don’t do it someone who comes by after you surely will.

I can feel your blood-sugar level trembling already.

Stash Your Own Stash: In the days and weeks leading up to Halloween, surely your parents will start to accumulate a few bags of candy to give out to your competitors. Tilt the odds in your favor and every day take a little bit of the candy out of the bowl and stash it away for yourself. It’s a dog eat dog world, well, it’s a dog eat your candy so you eat the dog’s candy first world.

Follow these little tips and you just might have enough candy to last you until next year. If you’re lucky, you won’t become a diabetic by Christmas Eve.

Tags: candy, costumes, door to door, guide, halloween, holiday, ideas, kids, night, strategies, sweets, tips, trick o treat, trick or treat, trick or treating
Posted in Focused Posts | 1 Comment »

Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

Tuesday, October 13th, 2009

Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

Women’s Costumes

figure 1

The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

figure 2

If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

figure 3

What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

figure 4

Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

Men’s Costumes

figure 1

Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume. Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

figure 2

Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

figure 3

Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

figure 4

Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

Couple’s Costumes

figure 1

These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

figure 2

The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!

Tags: boys, compilation, costume, costumes, couples, creative, cute, fall, festive, funny, getups, girls, guide, halloween, how, how-to, ideas, images, list, manly, men, outfits, party, pictures, sexy, suggestions, trick or treat, women
Posted in Focused Posts, Random Pictures | 3 Comments »

Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

We’ve all heard the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but there are a plethora of other ways to let your significant other know that they aren’t so significant. As with any other tactic or strategy, there is usually a counter maneuver you have to be aware of. I’ll break down your break ups and let you know what to be wary of.

Alright, let’s start breaking hearts.

Option 1: Fake Your Death
Most obvious of your options when it’s time to call it quits, but one of the trickiest moves to pull off successfully. Works great when you are moving, joined the armed forces, have been relocated for your job, or if you two have only dated over the internet.

Doesn’t Work When: You’re dating your next door neighbor, you two share mutual friends who cant keep secrets, or if you are dating someone in the same apartment complex – easily turning your day into the longest elevator ride of your life as you try to explain to them that you are just a ghost… and that even ghosts have to go grocery shopping.

Option 2: Plant Evidence That You’ve Been Cheating
Evidence suggesting you’ve been cheating is a good way to get them to break up with you, saving you the hassle of initiating the conversation and ensuring they will never want to talk to you again. Guys just need to buy a bottle of cheap perfume that smells sweeter than a sugar cube and a bottle of honey having sex. A few spurts on your chest when you’re on your way home is a sure way to make her think you’ve been snuggling with an 18 year old. Girls, all you need to do is splash a little Brut on your inner thighs. Next time you’re in bed together, your soon-to-be ex will quickly wonder what other recently shaved gentleman has been dining as his buffet, if you catch my drift.

Doesn’t Work When: It will work, but if your partner is close to your family and friends it’s likely that they will spread word of your deeds and everyone will think you’re a total asshole for a month or two. Beware of that.

Option 3: Build-A-Break-Up-Bear
By now, everyone is probably familiar with Build-A-Bear stores and their products, but I’ll give you a quick summary. Build-A-Bear is a place to assemble your own teddy bear to give to someone. You pick out its look, its stuffing, its clothes; you even can record a message on it to play when someone squeezes one of the bear’s paws. All you need to do is record your parting message and give it to the one you loathe. Hopefully the sweet thoughtfulness and cuteness of the bear will counter the sour message delivered through the cheap and terribly muffled speaker that’s telling them it’s time to see other people.

Doesn’t Work When: Your less-than-better half is deaf, but works twice as well when your partner has a deep rooted fear of bears – stuffed, or real.

Option 4: Counter Commitment
If your relationship is new, suggest it’s time to get married and have four dozen children together. If your relationship has been long, be sure to let them also know that you see no kids in your future and let them know that you don’t believe in marriage and that you were put on this earth for one thing: having sex – having sex with lots of people.

Doesn’t Work When: They actually share the same views. Rare, but it does happen.

Option 5: Electronic Billboard At The Baseball Game
Let the world know that you aren’t meant for each other, your lover’s feet stink, they’re always late, they’re terrible in bed, and that they whistle when they talk sometimes on the world largest LCD television, the good old JUMBO-TRON 5000! Quick, easy, and only costs about $40 to have your message displayed. Plus, if you went to the sporting event with your friends, it will save you the hassle of having to describe why you two broke up over and over again.

Doesn’t Work When: Your main-squeeze is blind, can’t read, or happens to be in the bathroom when your message is displayed. This one takes some planning, but sure to leave a lasting impression.

You might want to print this out and keep it with you in case of emergencies.

Good luck out there.

Tags: advice, break up, breaking up, dating, love, relationships, romance, romantic, splitting
Posted in Focused Posts | No Comments »

Sexy Advertisements

Tuesday, June 30th, 2009

click for embigination

Tags: ads, advertisements, adverts, magazines, marketing, pictures, promotions, scans, sex, sexy
Posted in Focused Posts | No Comments »

Douchebaggery – The “Am I Total Douche” Hand Guide

Tuesday, June 16th, 2009

Here’s a little list to determine if you qualify to be a gigantic douche. Pictures and examples included.

Before we get knee deep in vinegar though, we need to get the basic facts out of the way first. The generally accepted definition of a “douchebag” is someone who posses a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance, who engages in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

-Being a douchebag is like any other fun disease in the fact that it’s contagious.

Example 1 - Douche Group

-Like many other plagues on today’s culture, being a douchebag is a fad. It’s a trend that will eventually go the way of the dodo and the rest of the world will let out a big sigh of relief. Because, there for a moment, adults feared that the future of our species would be a collection of abundant hair gel products and fake tanning bronzer.

-Some people have made a living off being a douchebag. Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are two great examples.

Example 2 - Famous Douche

-That’s right; you don’t have to be a guy to be a douchebag anymore. Like I said, it’s contagious.

-Although the term “douchebag” is used pretty much exclusively in the United States, thanks to modern amenities like television and the glorious internet, douchebaggery is spreading across the globe. Here are some Swedish d-bags:

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

-This brings me to another common practice of these Oompa Loompas: pointing in random directions during photographs. It’s as if they are actually telling us “Don’t take a picture of me; there is actually someone of depth and integrity over there to the left.”

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

-Even disagreeing with them as much as I do, the fact is, douchebags do get the ladies attention. Take this lucky douche for example:

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

-Maybe the girls like them because they both use the same Maybelline products or maybe it’s because these vinegar bags spend more time at the mall than the girls do. Who knows.

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

-Like all trends though, it’s not for everyone, and not all girls are fans of douchebags [luckily].

Example 7 - Busted Douche

-I’ll be counting down the days until this trend fades out of existence. Until then however, don’t be a complete tool.

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

Tags: am i, bag, bar, bronzer, douche, douche bag, douchebag, douchebaggery, examples, funny, gel, guide, hair gel, hand guide, hilarious, list, party, pictures, samples, social, tanning, trend
Posted in Focused Posts | 1 Comment »

Tough Questions, Easy Answers

Tuesday, June 9th, 2009

There are so many religions in the world today, which one of them is correct?

None of them.

With all of these great releases heading our way, which movie is going to be the biggest this summer?

They’re all going to be pretty much the same size seeing as how they are all played on the same size screens.

My girlfriend smells kind of bad downstairs, how can I tell her without making her upset?

Barf on it and hope that she gets the hint.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a woodchuck wanted to chuck wood, and it is a healthy woodchuck in question, then a wood chuck can chuck approximately 361.9237 cubic centimeters of wood each day.

What’s the best line to use in order to pick someone up at a bar?

“Are those pants from outer space? Because your ass is out of this world.” If that doesn’t get them hook, line and sinker, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

What’s the best way to pass time when you’re bored?

Kill zombies. No one needs more killin’ than zombies.

What’s the best way to save money in these harsh economic times?

Put all of your money in a shoe box and bury it somewhere then let someone hit you in the head with a bat until you forget where you put it.

Tags: answers, funny, questions, random, tough questions
Posted in Focused Posts | No Comments »

From Bad To Worse

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

Bad: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while on a construction site.
Worse: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while in a port-o-potty.

Bad: Getting lost in the woods and having to eventually eat your friend in order to survive.
Worse: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by your friend for their survival.

Bad: Go on a fishing trip but come back with no fish.
Worse: Go on a fishing trip and come back with herpes.

Bad: Forgetting your wallet in your car.
Worse: Forgetting your child in your car.

Bad: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “Intervention”.
Worse: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “To Catch A Predator”.

Bad: Sitting next to someone talking through an entire movie.
Worse: Sitting next to someone giving birth through an entire movie.

Bad: Life is getting just too tough for you so you jump off a roof.
Worse: You live and are now 3 inches shorter.

Bad: Losing your keys at a party and not remembering where you left them.
Worse: Losing your virginity at a party and not remembering who took it.

Bad: You rig up your car so you have your own makeshift ejection seat.
Worse: You accidentally eject yourself while on the bottom floor of a parking garage.

Bad: Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
Worse: Finding out your love interest is actually your sister.

Bad: You get breast implants done by a blind surgeon.
Worse: You get breast implants done by a blind, armless surgeon.

Bad: Someone tells you that you’re ugly.
Worse: Someone tells you that your face reminds them of a Picasso painting.

Bad: You fall down a flight of stairs and lose all but one of your teeth.
Worse: Afterwards, you go to the dentist and he tells you that you have a cavity.

Bad: You go down a waterslide and somehow lose your swimsuit and go down it naked.
Worse: You go down a waterslide and lose your swimsuit but then there is a freak accident and the slide is instantly drained of all its water. You skid down the dry slide inch by inch only to plop out into an empty concrete pool.

Bad: Scientists finally discover the missing link and are able to determine your exact evolutionary progress.
Worse: Scientists prove, once and for all, that you are in fact a direct descendant of a pile of dung.

Bad: You have to imagine the class in their underwear when you give a speech.
Worse: You are actually only in your underwear when you give a speech to your class.

Tags: accident, bad, bad luck, bad to worse, breast implants, darth vader, disaster, evolution, fishing, lost in woods, naked, picasso, science, television, ugly, water slide, worse, worst, wrecking ball
Posted in Focused Posts | No Comments »