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Category Archives: Focused Posts
Douchebaggery – The “Am I Total Douche” Hand Guide
Here’s a little list to determine if you qualify to be a gigantic douche. Pictures and examples included.
Before we get knee deep in vinegar though, we need to get the basic facts out of the way first. The generally accepted definition of a “douchebag” is someone who posses a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance, who engages in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.
-Being a douchebag is like any other fun disease in the fact that it’s contagious.
Example 1 - Douche Group
-Like many other plagues on today’s culture, being a douchebag is a fad. It’s a trend that will eventually go the way of the dodo and the rest of the world will let out a big sigh of relief. Because, there for a moment, adults feared that the future of our species would be a collection of abundant hair gel products and fake tanning bronzer.
-Some people have made a living off being a douchebag. Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are two great examples.
Example 2 - Famous Douche
-That’s right; you don’t have to be a guy to be a douchebag anymore. Like I said, it’s contagious.
-Although the term “douchebag” is used pretty much exclusively in the United States, thanks to modern amenities like television and the glorious internet, douchebaggery is spreading across the globe. Here are some Swedish d-bags:
Example 3 - Swedish Douches
-This brings me to another common practice of these Oompa Loompas: pointing in random directions during photographs. It’s as if they are actually telling us “Don’t take a picture of me; there is actually someone of depth and integrity over there to the left.”
Example 4 - Gesturing Douches
-Even disagreeing with them as much as I do, the fact is, douchebags do get the ladies attention. Take this lucky douche for example:
Example 5 - Lucky Douche
-Maybe the girls like them because they both use the same Maybelline products or maybe it’s because these vinegar bags spend more time at the mall than the girls do. Who knows.
Example 6 - Pretty Douche
-Like all trends though, it’s not for everyone, and not all girls are fans of douchebags [luckily].
Example 7 - Busted Douche
-I’ll be counting down the days until this trend fades out of existence. Until then however, don’t be a complete tool.
Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche
Tough Questions, Easy Answers
There are so many religions in the world today, which one of them is correct?
None of them.
With all of these great releases heading our way, which movie is going to be the biggest this summer?
They’re all going to be pretty much the same size seeing as how they are all played on the same size screens.
My girlfriend smells kind of bad downstairs, how can I tell her without making her upset?
Barf on it and hope that she gets the hint.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
If a woodchuck wanted to chuck wood, and it is a healthy woodchuck in question, then a wood chuck can chuck approximately 361.9237 cubic centimeters of wood each day.
What’s the best line to use in order to pick someone up at a bar?
“Are those pants from outer space? Because your ass is out of this world.” If that doesn’t get them hook, line and sinker, then it just wasn’t meant to be.
What’s the best way to pass time when you’re bored?
Kill zombies. No one needs more killin’ than zombies.
What’s the best way to save money in these harsh economic times?
Put all of your money in a shoe box and bury it somewhere then let someone hit you in the head with a bat until you forget where you put it.
From Bad To Worse
Bad: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while on a construction site.
Worse: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while in a port-o-potty.
Bad: Getting lost in the woods and having to eventually eat your friend in order to survive.
Worse: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by your friend for their survival.
Bad: Go on a fishing trip but come back with no fish.
Worse: Go on a fishing trip and come back with herpes.
Bad: Forgetting your wallet in your car.
Worse: Forgetting your child in your car.
Bad: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “Intervention”.
Worse: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “To Catch A Predator”.
Bad: Sitting next to someone talking through an entire movie.
Worse: Sitting next to someone giving birth through an entire movie.
Bad: Life is getting just too tough for you so you jump off a roof.
Worse: You live and are now 3 inches shorter.
Bad: Losing your keys at a party and not remembering where you left them.
Worse: Losing your virginity at a party and not remembering who took it.
Bad: You rig up your car so you have your own makeshift ejection seat.
Worse: You accidentally eject yourself while on the bottom floor of a parking garage.
Bad: Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
Worse: Finding out your love interest is actually your sister.
Bad: You get breast implants done by a blind surgeon.
Worse: You get breast implants done by a blind, armless surgeon.
Bad: Someone tells you that you’re ugly.
Worse: Someone tells you that your face reminds them of a Picasso painting.
Bad: You fall down a flight of stairs and lose all but one of your teeth.
Worse: Afterwards, you go to the dentist and he tells you that you have a cavity.
Bad: You go down a waterslide and somehow lose your swimsuit and go down it naked.
Worse: You go down a waterslide and lose your swimsuit but then there is a freak accident and the slide is instantly drained of all its water. You skid down the dry slide inch by inch only to plop out into an empty concrete pool.
Bad: Scientists finally discover the missing link and are able to determine your exact evolutionary progress.
Worse: Scientists prove, once and for all, that you are in fact a direct descendant of a pile of dung.
Bad: You have to imagine the class in their underwear when you give a speech.
Worse: You are actually only in your underwear when you give a speech to your class.
Signs That Summertime Must Be Here Again
-You spend less time doing homework and more time grilling meat.
-You suddenly care about clean beaches.
-Girls are running around in outfits that look like they’re made out of a washcloth and some pieces of yarn.
-Your popsicle consumption has gone up 200%.
-You’ll honestly believe that your life must include the ownership of a snorkel.
-You have sand in places that you’ve never had sand before and where you never want to have sand again.
-Burying someone in sand is a good pastime rather than a way to avoid 10-25 years in prison.
-You could care less about what hotdogs are mad of. They taste great and that’s all you need to know.
-Waking up at 10:00am becomes “waking up early”.
-You become slightly more aware and weary of shark attacks in your area.
-Each day you wear less and less clothing to remain comfortable.
-Your bank statements consist mostly of where you spent your beer money.
-Every movie at the theater is either a romantic comedy or an action movie featuring continuous, back to back, explosions.
-You have a painful reminder of why you told yourself “I’m never going to let myself get sunburnt again.”
-You realize the importance of cold drinks and you’ll put a strong emphasis on the “cold” part when you order one.
-The notion of going to Mexico actually starts to sound like a good idea.
-You realize that just like buying a house, when building a sand castle the most important things are location, location, location.
-When you’re outside you’ll bitch about how hot it is, then as soon as you get inside you’ll remind everyone how great a day it is outside.
-You’ll accept the fact that anytime you turn on the television, you’ll be watching reruns.
-You have developed a tan line from your flip-flops.
Optical Illusions
classic.
you thought it was a guy's face, right? fooled me too.
couple caressing each other or dolphins swimming? i think this one depends on if you've hit puberty or not
lets count them out loud together 1... 2...
painting for the release of video game Gears of War
i wish they sold alcohol in bottles that big.
awesome shirt... assuming you're around mirrors alot. otherwise i bet it's a bitch to explain to people.
pesos giving you the stink eye.
there are no black dots.
new ploy to get more people to go to church.
good for those times when you're standing around in just a towel and want to amuse your friends.
if you look close enough you might be able to find the flying pink elephant hidden in this image.
the ultimate ego booster.
another classic. follow the path of the water.
if you stare at this picture long enough, you might be able to find the silver car hidden in this image.
Bathroom Etiquette For Men And Women
Due to a rampant increase in the number of violations of the unspoken rules of the commode, I felt obligated to make this week’s focused post about the etiquette of public washrooms.
I am a man. In my life I have only been in a women’s bathroom three times and none of those times was to actually use the restroom. So, for the ladies’ part of this I enlisted the help of Suzie S., a fellow sufferer of my Microeconomics class. I wanted to link to something online of hers, but when I searched for her on Facebook, MySpace, and even Twitter, I could not find her anywhere on the internet. This leads me to believe that Suzie is either A) an illegal alien, B) a fugitive, or C) an actual space alien. Anyways, on to the guide…
WOMEN:
-Like the urinal man laws, it is recommended for ladies to choose the stall furthest from any other matrons. The only exception is when there are few stalls or a line has formed and you are pressured to hurry.
-Noise should be kept to a strict minimum. No one wants to hear your business or your straining.
-Similar to the men’s rules, conversation while in the lavatory should be limited to your friends when near the sink area. Conversations between stall walls only lead to awkwardness for the other users inside the bathroom.
-The conversation guidelines are relaxed while inside a bathroom at a bar or club where slightly intoxicated and giggly girls are more plentiful.
-Flush, always flush and then flush again for safety sake.
-When disposing feminine products, hide them in a way that you would hide a personal diary when you were younger. No one wants to see these things, dispose of them in an adequate fashion.
-When undecided if you are willing to sit on the seat or just crouch over it due to safety concerns or a possible hygienic safety breach, remember that the noise rules still apply and whichever way you decided to conduct your business, noise should be kept to a minimum.
-The use of cell phones is not permitted inside the restroomateria.
-When applying makeup at the sink counter, please be prompt. The primary purpose of the sink is clean your hands, the secondary purpose is to aid matrons in coloring themselves up to look like skanks.
MEN:
-Under no circumstances are you to use the urinal exactly next to another patron. Always choose the urinal that is furthest from anyone else. If this choice is not possible than you shall use a stall.
-If only urinating in a stall, it is appropriate to leave the stall door open so other patrons can clearly see that you are observing the distance law, and will allow them access to a stall in merely a few seconds.
-Similar to the conversation guidelines for women, conversation should be kept to a minimum. Even if the conversing is between friends, talking should be kept to a minimum as not to scare the other occupants.
-Whenever there is a line for a busy restroom, the only acceptable comments made to strangers are statements about how there is a line and how this is starting to look like the women’s restroom.
-Noise in general should also be kept to a minimum. No one wants to hear you conducting business, nor do they want to hear your straining and grunting.
-If someone before you did not flush their #2, that stall is considered to be out of order. Use another stall/urinal.
-When at a bar or club, where the number of intoxicated guests is high, it is recommended to not touch anything inside the bathroom at all. Not flushing after a #1 is considered acceptable in these circumstances.
-You have one minute to wash your hands, but only 10 seconds to check your appearance in the mirror. Any longer than 10 seconds and you are in violation of the swiftness guideline that is to follow.
-When using the lavatory it is not a race, but it most certainly is. You are to be quick, prompt, and accurate, especially in a busy restroom.
-Eye contact should be kept to a very strict minimum.
-The use of cell phones in public washrooms is not permitted. You do not want to be texting your grandmother who is in the hospital and be mistaken for taking pictures of other users in this vulnerable location.
-Flush once, if not everything goes away, flush again. After that, it’s a maintenance problem.
The Armageddon: Facts And Somewhat Of A Survival Guide
Suppose the armageddon hits. Nearly everyone is completely obliterated into oblivion. It was a Tuesday and you commuting to work. Somehow, the lead based paint on your 1970′s Honda compact stopped enough of the radiation from turning you into a mile of glowing green mush. There’s only a few of you left on the planet. Here are some facts and tips to make your survival that much sweeter:
-Unless you learn to sew, the amount of clean, fresh underwear in the world is on a steady decline. Learn to sew.
-You didn’t know it back then, but all of those forts you built as a child were really good practice for the new home you’re going to have to erect.
-How fucking useless is your iPhone now?
-Fulfill your childhood dreams and move into that old abandoned toy factory. Yes, it’s the end of the world, yes, you are going to eventually go insane, and yes, living in a toy factory is pretty disturbing in its own right. Fuck it. At least you’ll have something to play with until you go delusional and become haunted with paranoia that the toys have turned on you and will murder you in your sleep.
-Learn the difference between and the proper uses of there, their, and they’re. Skills like these will greatly prepare you to reenter the job force.
-Hope you like beards. Everyone’s going to have one eventually, even the women and children.
-It’ll be sad to think you’ll never find your precious childhood rubber ducky amongst the rubble, but after realizing there aren’t even any real ducks left, the sadness will fade a little.
-Vagina was a limited natural resource before, but now it’s nearly impossible to get a hold of. So, when you find one of these elegant and docile creatures, be sure to treat her to a nice meal. By nice meal, I mean that pack of powdered donuts that is only two months passed expiration and that last bottle of Diet Shasta Orange you’ve got stashed away back at your fort. …Oh, and remember to make her laugh. They love that.
-Train cockroaches to perform a little circus act for you. Sure, it’s not much of a survival tactic; it’d just be something neat to spend your free time on. And face it, you’ve got a hell of a lot of free time now.
-You should probably print this out and keep it on your person at all times. Counting on having internet access after the apocalypse is about as sound of an idea as using a sex toy that plugs into a wall outlet.
Amazing v. Mundane
Mundane: Having your pants fall down.
Amazing: Pushing your pants to your feet while on stage singing the National Anthem at the first game of the World Series.
Mundane: Having a great mother.
Amazing: Having the great looking mother.
Mundane: Believing in Jesus.
Amazing: Believing you are Jesus and introducing yourself as Jesus at every party.
Mundane: Meeting new people.
Amazing: Meeting new people on the internet.
Mundane: Being a Pope.
Amazing: Being a Pope and wearing a funny hat.
Mundane: Being President of the United States.
Amazing: Being Chuck Norris.
Mundane: Building a sandcastle.
Amazing: Building this sand castle.
Mundane: Wearing shorts.
Amazing: Wearing short shorts.
Mundane: Bling.
Amazing: Frosted Flake bling.
Just Because Everyone Should Know
-The world isn’t round; it’s more of an oblong shape.
-MySpace will always be free, however, oxygen will not.
-You will never be able to truly see how you look with sunglasses on.
-Women blink twice as much as men, but that’s probably just because the men are staring at women.
-Budweiser beer can actually be used to condition your hair.
-There are no new TV shows; everything is a rerun of some other bullshit you’ve already seen.
-At any given time, roughly 61,000 people are flying in the skies above the United States.
-Along with hundreds of sex positions, the Kama Sutra also lists 30 different types of kissing.
-The people featured in the ‘singles hotline’ commercials aren’t the kind of people you actually talk to when you call.
-Humans produce about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. Until food is dissolved by saliva, we do not taste it.
-Minding your p’s and q’s is a lot like minding your b’s and d’s.
-Time flies because if it walked then waiting for your turn to use the bathroom would always end in a horrible mess.
-The government already knows how to clone human beings, they just don’t tell everyone the secret because procreation is too damn fun.
-Yes, that dress does make you look fat.
-Men can read smaller print than women, however, women hear better.
-Cleopatra married two of her brothers.
-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-Advice always comes late, criticism is always harsh, and judgment is always passed.