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A Billion Screaming Babies To Your Headache

Tuesday, August 31st, 2010

-Been saving up for my funeral; the laser show and pyrotechnics are gonna be awesome!

-I wish ignoring people was as easy in real life as it is on Facebook.

-Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and awkward hard-on’s.

-Saying “in my opinion” before or adding “that’s just my opinion” to the end of every remark really makes you look like a prick. Show some confidence in your judgments and intellectual thoughts. Put your balls on the line and say how you feel unabashed for a change.

-I occasionally frolic, but only when no one is looking.

-There are just some things in life you’re better off not knowing, like what your crush really thinks of you and what hotdogs are made of.

-I carry the burdens of others, not to seem strong, but to empower those who feel weakened.

-A good imagination can get you out of most any trouble, and I mean really deep, deep shit.

-A dentist giving out candy to all of his patients is a good example of ensuring future business.

-When you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, banging your head against a wall is only a solution if you need a perfectly head-shaped dent in a wall.

-1:00 AM is my new 9:00 PM now. Unfortunately though, 7:00 AM is still the same shitty 7:00 AM.

-Wishing myself away, until I hear you begging me to stay.

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Love Is Friendship Set On Fire

Thursday, July 29th, 2010

-If at first you don’t succeed and if you can’t say anything nice, make like a tree and never take no for an answer. Then turn the other cheek, get your panties in a wad, make lemonade, and beat a dead horse until the fat lady sings… Or however the saying goes.

-I’m going through a hard time in my life right now; that little awkward stage between puberty and death.

-The secret to staying young is to make forts in the living room on rainy days. The secret to staying old is walking into the living room and destroying any forts that might persist there.

-I had my own reality show, but after hours of pointless exposition and several predictable plot twists, producers realized the show was a bad idea and cancelled it before the first season ever aired.

-The Book of Eli would be just as compelling of a movie if instead of the last bible, Eli was carrying with him the last Dr. Seuss book.

-What happened to B-size batteries? There’s plenty of A’s, why no B’s?

-Nothing will get you in more trouble faster than an idea.

-Is it wrong that I have a burning desire to find those happy couples in the eHarmony television ads and purposely break them up using forged sexy e-mails and photoshopped pictures of them with other lovers?

-It’s not really summertime in Texas until getting the mail in your bare feet gives you second degree burns on the bottom of your feet.

-You’re the wind beneath my wings and the jumbo jet crushing my face.

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Just Say When

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

-The future is as certain as the possibility that I’m not wearing pants.

-I try to always keep a folding chair in the room with me. You just never know when a pro wrestler might stop by.

-Take a real deep breath, look into the mirror and ask yourself “Why the fuck am I talking to myself?”

-I bought a telescope to study the stars but I quickly realized there are much more interesting things just through the window of my neighbor’s house.

-The worst advice is always punctual. The best advice is always 30 minutes late.

-It’s always flattering when someone admits to dreaming about you. It’s nice to know you’ve made enough of an impression that someone’s mind can’t resist but to think of you.

-If you can’t see the forest for the trees then maybe you live in a desert, or perhaps a low-lying grassland region.

-Too often, pretty underwear is covered by ugly jeans. Such a travesty.

-Anytime I receive a package that says “Open Other End” I take it as a personal challenge to successfully open the wrong end. Same thing goes for signs that say “Stay Off Of Grass”. For some reason my feet start to tingle and walking across a green lawn seems to be the only cure.

-After much research it has been determined that the strongest force in the universe is gossip.

-Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

-People who share their religious views with you almost never want to hear your religious views in return.

-Never trust a man wearing two watches.

-Stumbling all over myself and mumbling incoherently; either someone slipped something into my drink or I’m in love. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

-I’ll jump, jump, but I won’t put my hands up in the air, because I actually do kind of care.

-“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” -Hunter S. Thompson

-If you suddenly went deaf and blind at the same time, how could anyone convince you that you are still alive? A hand to their chest to feel their heartbeat?

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It’s Called Mainstream Because Of Its Shallowness

Monday, May 24th, 2010

-I got a lifetime subscription to “MotorBoating” magazine. I was disappointed when I found out it was actually a boating magazine.

-Don’t judge books by their covers. I read the first and last pages and then make up the rest. Reading is for suckers anyway, right?

-An easy way to avoid arguments with the missus about not lifting the toilet seat is to simply use the sink.

-If you can’t stand the heat then I wouldn’t recommend picking the flamethrower or the napalm grenades from the armory.

-Selfishness is turning a “ribbed for her pleasure” condom inside out so you can enjoy it.

-You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. That’s exactly why I avoid social celebrations as often as possible.

-Is it weird that I still make airplanes noises when I’m eating from a spoon?

-Nothing describes someone’s ugliness better than using the expression “freaky deaky”.

-It’s not a man’s commitment issues or his intimacy issues that make him unsuitable for long term relationships; it’s our hormones making us what to sleep with everything issues.

-I like being around people who are listening to music so loud through their headphones that I can actually sing along to the music. I’m sure it freaks them out when a total stranger is singing along perfectly to Billie Jean. I’ll even top if off with a hand-tap-heel-spin-around-crotch-grab-scream move before I moonwalk my way into the next room.

-If there were hot, naked, green women on Mars, we would have been there decades ago.

-I give free mammograms on the weekends. It’s just a hobby right now, but I’ll go pro someday.

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There’s A Voice In My Head That Tells Me What To Do

Saturday, May 15th, 2010

-I remember when you had to memorize your friend’s phone number. Those were simpler times. Good times.

-You’re the cream cheese to my bagel.

-Only 7.6 billion more years until the earth will be consumed by the sun. I’m so fucking impatient.

-If I was a magician my catch line after trick would be “Fucking tah-da, motherfuckers!”

-The first trick I would master would be to guess the color of your underwear without you taking off any clothes.

-I have no time for patience.

-I’m surprised there aren’t more songs about blowjobs.

-One of the reasons why NASA hesitates to send a crew to Mars is because of the very high likelihood that one of the astronauts will go insane with “cabin fever” during the three month travel to the red planet. I say you televise it to cover the cost of rocket fuel. Here’s the tagline “Three astronauts enter; only one will leave… Unless of course someone pulls the door latch and they all get sucked out into space.”

-She really has a way with words; especially the words she whispers into my ear.

-“Think outside the box” is great advice unless you are actually trapped inside of a box.

-Before dogs existed on this planet what was doggy-style called? Dino-style? Ameba-style? Single-celled organism-style?

-I’m crazy in love, but I’m still kind of crazy when I’m out of love too.

-I hope you finally get what’s coming to you; and I’m not talking about a serving of delicious apple pie.

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Friday The Thirteenth Plus One

Friday, May 14th, 2010

-It takes me a while to get through tough decisions. Usually, I don’t even decide to put pants on until about 9:30pm.

-Whoever agrees with the saying that “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” has obviously never met any of my ex’s.

-The only thing that separates us from animals is a combination of ditches and wire fencing. At least that’s the case at all of the zoos I’ve ever been to.

-Rearview mirrors were totally invented so you could check your makeup while driving a car. Pretty genius of those automakers, huh?

-If you had to choose one, would you rather always have to sit in traffic when you drive or be in a minor collision every time you go somewhere?

-When I die, I want to be buried in a ball pit at a random Chuck E Cheese. If that last request can’t be met, then I’d like to be cremated in the median of a busy highway during 5 o’clock traffic on a Friday. If this last request also cannot be met, I want to be cremated in private and have my ashes mixed with a bag of confetti and spread across town during a local parade.

-“Talk dirty to me.”

“Crumbs, dust, cobwebs, mud, mold, and asbestos.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

-The truth will set you free, or send you away to prison for a long, long time. Just depends, ya know.

-Fear Factor just needs to bite the bullet and make their contestants eat raw human flesh.

- I couldn’t worship the devil even if I wanted to. There aren’t any virgin females available to sacrifice for miles and miles.

-If actual minesweeping was as fun as Minesweeper is on the computer, I would have signed up for the military a long time ago!

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If It Weren’t For You I’d Be Nothing

Thursday, May 13th, 2010

-I’m searching for jobs online but all I see are openings for Wildlife Scrubbers thanks to BP for the lovely new coat of oil across the Gulf Of Mexico.

-I’ve had the same haircut for as long as I can remember. Lately, every time I see my stylist I get closer and closer to asking for a new doo but I never can quite do it. I’m starting to think it’s going to take a serious head injury or an entire pack of chewed gum to get me to trim my hair differently.

-The most effective way to win an argument is to be the loudest.

-The worst name for a baby girl ever: Andrew.

-If I can’t enjoy a margarita there or if I’m not allowed to wear flip-flops to it then it’s a place I don’t want to be nor will I likely ever go there.

-I see a different woman every night. The trick is to not shake the bushes too much and give away your hiding spot.

-The greatest mistake I ever made was to reflect back on all of the mistakes I’ve ever made to rate them in a hierarchy to discover which singular one I regret most. I regret all of them – that’s what makes them mistakes after all.

-Pop-Up Porn Magazine: This is probably the greatest idea ever thought up and no one is capitalizing on it yet. Sometimes, the world lets me down.

-Before my train of thought can reach its final destination it has to pass through the rolling hills of Bullshit County, then go across the narrow rackety bridges of Tangent Town, and somehow manage to stay on the rails entirely during its trek through the red light district of Man’s Brain Gorge. Be thankful that I can actually even say “Hey, how’s it going?” without devolving into a 30 minute speech about why cleavage should be an appropriate topic for a college term paper.

-I don’t want to set the world on fire; I just want to start a flame in your heart.

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

running late, but i'll be playing catch-up shortly. stay tuned!

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Hackneyed

Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

-There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I don’t date fish.

-If  we could regenerate lost limbs, cutting off your own leg with a table knife wouldn’t be a bad way to get out of going to work for a couple days.

-”So, Mrs. Peacock, you weren’t the least bit suspicious when Mr. White asked you to bring a wrench and a candlestick with you to the kitchen?”

-Simon says, shut the fuck up!

-Monday through Thursday you can consider me clinically deceased. I live for the weekends, explicitly, for the weekends.

-The only justice I’ve seen in the world in the past several years was when Britney Spears lost custody of her kids. Oh, and that one woman who was sentenced eight years in prison for cutting off her boyfriend’s dick with a kitchen knife.

-I want my first child to be born in one of those giant ball pits on Chuck-E-Cheese. That’s how I’d want to come into this world.

-Carpet burns never tell the whole story.

-The person you love more than anything on this planet is nearly 70% water.

-When you tell someone they have something on their face, they will always wipe the wrong side first. I just play along and tell them they got it. 

-When you receive a compliment, be ready for the request of a favor in the sentences to follow. “Man, that hat looks great on you!… Can I borrow a kidney next weekend?”

-Due to the increase of school shootings, if you browse the internet a little you can find backpacks that come with bulletproof Kevlar lining. Kind of sad, huh?

-The more popular you are, the less privacy you have. Now thanks to Facebook, you can be a broke, jobless, jerk-off, and abandon your privacy all together without even having to be in a single teenage vampire movie!

-Why is it okay to say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” but people give you weird looks when you say “I’m so hungry I could eat my neighbors and probably even their annoying little dog.”

-Opinions matter because facts don’t change.

-If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need one. If a girl doesn’t make you wear a condom, you probably should have worn three.

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It Only Took A Day

Monday, March 8th, 2010

 -The expression “Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” has no validity on a nudist beach.

-The more I look around at the world today, the more I’m convinced that the Tree of Wisdom was axed down to make room for a Starbucks.

-When you have one of those days where it feels like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders, just remember it’s only 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000lbs. That’s not too bad if you really think about it.

-I want to die behind the wheel of a car… No, I want to go quietly in my sleep… Nah, I want to go quietly in my sleep while behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully my passengers want to go out screaming and panicking while violently shaking a sleeping man.

-This has to be the best album title ever: C-Murder’s “The Truest Shit I Ever Said”.

-When I blow my nose I have to cup the tissue real close to my face otherwise my brain might shoot out.

-Statistically, the most common expression used in games of Hangman is “hangman” (how creative we are!). When playing, I usually start off with sexually transmitted diseases and then move on to names of terminal illnesses. I think we’d all rather be hung than have “genital warts” or “cancer of the ball sack”. Losing doesn’t seem so bad then.

-You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. Well, if the girl is 2,000lbs, then you can’t take her out of the trailer park either.

-Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. That’s why you should remind them at every single opportunity possible.

-Isn’t an occult pretty much the same thing as a cult? I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on the cover of my membership brochures.

-Apparently this man-rule hasn’t been passed down through the generations as it should be, so I’m going to state it plain and simple for you to hear and understand: Never buy your girlfriend/wife a fake dick that is bigger than your dick.

-There are things in life I fear I’ll never learn to do. Like how to look seductive while reading a newspaper.

-I have so much stuff that I’m supposed to take to the grave with me that I just might have to be cremated to fit it all in my coffin.

-I remember the afternoons we used to spend together before you got too cool. I miss them.

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