Category Archives: Regular Posts

Posts written in the form of random free flowing thoughts.

Slightly Sketchy With A Chance Of Bullshit

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-My morals are questionable, my beliefs… also questionable… my sexual appetite; undoubtedly insatiable.

-If you have to take medicine for the side-effects of other medicine you have to take, then the medical industry has failed you.

-Worst single’s website screen name for a female: Miss Manslaughter.
Worst single’s website screen name for a male: No Means Yes Please.

-I wonder what terrible things could escalate from me hiring two private detectives to follow one another.

-The best way to get a free pen or pencil is to borrow one from the person next to you and chew on the end of it.

-I’m rubber and you’re glue, so your sexual advances are leaving us both in a sticky, sticky, rubbery mess.

-The only more awkward than the question “Excuse me, where can I find the hemorrhoid cream?” is the response “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

-“That’s what she said” jokes are funny, because they aren’t very likely; “That’s what he said” jokes aren’t funny because they’re just true stories.

-Holding hands and thumb war are only a few digit-placements away; proof of the thin line between love and total annihilation.

-If Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores without social ramifications then Halloween is also my chance to be a complete womanizer and cross-eyed cleavage gawker!

-Kicking and screaming is a good way to get what you want anywhere but a china store.

-If you tilt your head a little to the left and squint one eye, this sentence makes even less sense but you’ll look like you just discovered something extremely puzzling to anyone else watching you.

-Until I was about 9 years old, every diagram of the human skeletal system had a “sex bone”. It just made sense.

-I never knew punctuation could be so scary until I heard a friend’s reaction to his girlfriend missing a period.

-I drink a lot to avoid the consequences of being sober enough to be confronted about my drinking problem by my friends, peers, and coworkers.

Remarkably Satisfying

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-When Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat, people called her an artist. When I wore a dress made out of meat, my neighbors told the police I was a cross-dressing cannibal.

-”If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” -Aristotle Onassis

-There’s no better way to shave your chest, thighs, and eyebrows than a dry slip-n-slide.

-My self-esteem is so high that my tears have dreams of growing up into tidal waves.

-If you think you have things figured out, then it’s obvious you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

-How hot is it outside? It’s need-to-strip-down-naked-just-to-take-out-the-garbage kind of hot outside.

-When a girl cancels a date, she has to. When a guy cancels a date, he has two.

-You can’t even imagine my disappointment when I stumbled into, and discovered the real meaning of, my first booby trap.

-Here’s a great passive-aggressive way to break up a relationship you’re stuck in: stop bathing.

-I’m not a morning person. Honestly, I’m not even much of an early afternoon person either.

-A world without jesters would be far crueler than a world without kings.

-Apparently, Head Over Heels isn’t just a position in the Kama Sutra.

-Just to make golf more interesting, they should have a televised tournament where the players only play during lightning storms.

-I like my music like I like my women: loud and ugly.

-If another man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see shit.

-There are times that try men’s souls; like after over-eating at a Mexican restaurant.

-When opportunity knocks, you let that fucker in!

Drunk With Power And Whiskey Mostly Whiskey

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-Everyday is a toga party if you just stay wrapped up in your bed sheets.

-There is a fine line between coloring inside the lines and coloring outside the lines.

-I reward attention whores with encouragement. Encouragement for them to take their attention-seeking to new heights; to get them to do things that they will spend weeks trying to forget. They like attention; I like being entertained by other people’s stupidity, win-win.

-If the waiter doesn’t provide me with a box of crayons to draw on the tablecloth then I am in a restaurant I don’t want to be in.

-Appendages matter. Pulling someone’s hair, someone’s finger and someone’s leg all have completely different implications and consequences.

-The fastest way to get caught in the act of armed robbery would be to hold up a doughnut shop.

-I will forever be perplexed by how often people say “I understand” when they clearly don’t understand a damn thing at all.

-If a book or documentary is going identify by name the first and last soldiers killed during a war, they should show respect and take the effort and the time to identify every soldier that died.

-If you live in a glass house, throwing stones should be only one of many of your concerns. Using the restroom, changing clothes, and pretty much anything involving nakedness should also be of high consideration on your list of things you probably shouldn’t be doing.

-Any chair can be a lawn chair; location, location, location.

-Interventions are the worst kinds of surprise parties.

-”My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates

Concentration Problems Like Hey Look Cupcakes

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-Johnson and Johnson really dropped the ball with their shampoo products. Tear free shampoo is nice, but how about going the distance for a shampoo that provides a boost in self esteem or one that tells you jokes every time you open the bottle (and I mean funny jokes, not jokes about how silly you look naked in the shower).

-Imagine how scary watching someone laugh is when you were born deaf. All of a sudden everyone opens their mouths and starts convulsing. That has to be terrible.

-The witch hunt of the 21st century will be sparked by a widespread belief that if you fail 3 Captcha attempts in a row, you are most certainly a robot and need to be wiped from the earth for your travesties.

-”His ignorance is encyclopedic.” -Abba Eban

-The only thing worse than herpes is space herpes.

-When did someone decide that enough interesting stuff has happened to mankind that it was time to create the first history museum?

-Those who delete their internet history are forever doomed to repeat it.

-When you’re a fat kid, the food pyramid creates a whole different mental image than for most other people.

-I’m perplexed by the Waldo character Martin Handford is trying to bring to life in his Where’s Waldo series. Is Waldo trying to get lost in the world, is he desperately trying to stand out from everyone else? What a conundrum.

-In this day and age and with the advances in technology that we’ve had, I think it’s time that the freezer receives a light when you open the door just like the refrigerator has. Society is ready for this, make it happen.

-I want die any other way than by “natural causes.” Fuck nature, I’m not giving in to that bitch.

-You’re like sprinkles on a shit sandwich.

Thanks For The Venom

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-I’d like to see a lumberjack try to get aboard an airplane with a suitcase full of axes and a chainsaw as his carryon.

-Your success at living with scars isn’t determined by how well you conceal them, but by how proudly you display them, acknowledge them, and understand what you’ve learned from them.

-Someone needs to invent a machine that juggles jugglers.

-“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” –Jean Cocteau

-There’s slang a night owl and an early bird, but what about someone who is out in the afternoon? Perhaps “late rooster”? Or maybe “mid-day duckling”?

-I bet whichever Jack jumping-jacks were named after was a real obnoxious prick.

-If you’ve made the decision to drink all day then there’s no problem with starting early.

-I just came up with a great idea for a sequel: Old Yeller 2: Yeller’s Revenge… in 3D.

-Fun Fact: One sperm has 37.5MB worth of DNA information in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer rate of 529GB per second.

-I’m Blame Game World Champion four years running now!

-If a baseball player hits a homerun, but dies before he can run around the bases, does the homerun still count?

-There are two situations I never want to be in: one is to be stuck on a two person bicycle with The Flash and the other is the situation we’re in right now.

-Guys with erectile dysfunction have mourning wood issues.

-I’ve been breaking hearts since before Pat Benatar made it cool.

Confetti Vomit And Unicorn Glue

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-You know your girlfriend is a bad cook when her stories about her Easy Bake Oven involve her accidentally burning down Barbie’s Playhouse and how her room wreaked with the smell of burnt Troll doll hair.

-I was kidnapped and held ransom once for $9 in unmarked bills.

-It’s sad when your comedy channel has become the news channel and your news channel is the old comedy channel. Who needs reality? Entertain me!

-Around the office pranks can make the monotony of the work day diminish a little, but my coworkers weren’t too happy with the thin coat of Icy Hot that I put all over the hand rails, light switches, and, especially, the toilet seats. However, the vodka in the water cooler was a huge success!

-“Break neck speed” isn’t really possible; “break neck stop” however, is pretty damn common.

-Three-out-of-five stay at home moms suffer from extreme Tupperware addiction. I want this issue addressed as a key talking point in the next presidential election.

-I think it’d be fun to offer my friends a deluxe DVD package showcasing a few hours of my most hilarious and heartwarming moments. I will find a way to work capitalism into every single one of my interpersonal relationships.

-”If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” -George Bernard Shaw

-Technology has once again let me down. Everything today has a friends list, or some sort of social directory, yet none of them have an enemies list or a “people I’d like to see repeatedly stubbing their toes on furniture” list.

-Throwing money at your problems is not a solution unless we’re talking about spilt liquids and paper bills. In that case, throwing money at your problem is a solution, although not the most cost efficient one.

-The whiskey and cookie diet is the newest fitness craze sweeping the nation! Paired with the lounge-around-your-house-all-day-in-your-underwear workout, you’ll have the body of a Greek God/Goddess in mere weeks!

-The problem with promises is that they are too easily made and too easily broken.

The Whole Kit And Caboodle

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-Bet Bin Laden is really kicking himself for checking-in on his Facebook when he got to his palace in Abbotabad, Pakistan.

-You may have done yoga before, but have you tried yoga-on-fire?

-The sound from snapping your fingers is created by your middle finger hitting your palm and not your thumb rubbing against your index finger.

-Butterflies taste with their feet. So if Jeff Goldblum got mixed up with a butterfly instead of a fly in the teleportation machine, he’d likely never set foot in a public restroom ever again.

-We have Bold and Italic options, what we need now is a Sarcasm setting. Save ourselves a lot of explaining and backpedaling time.

-I used to dread catching a red traffic light, but now I find it to be the optimal time to read and reply to texts.

-My great uncle was killed by a herd of stampeding calico cats.

-My great aunt was a really great storyteller.

-In France you can legally marry a dead person. Talk about a romance gone cold…. a relationship gone stale… a couple’s decay of common interests… a stiff house guest… a dead end relationship. I’ll be here all week ladies and gentlemen!

-Nothing makes for a good story like a series of really bad decisions.

-Here’s to burning bridges as fast as I can clear the last rope-plank step!

I Will Treat You Right

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-What if one day your computer becomes self-aware and tells everyone all of the horrible, horrible things you’ve been looking at?

-I bet Tyrannosaurs were the best knitters.

-“I thought she might be crazy when she saved a loose fingernail clipping of mine that got left on the bathroom floor, but when she looked straight into my eyes and asked if I could do the dishes I knew she was bat-shit crazy!”

-Dictionaries can tell a million stories. They have all the right words you just have to find the perfect order.

-It took many years and many one dollar bills, but I have finally overcome my fear of naked, uninhibited breasts.

-The most common lie told these days is “Yes, I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.”

-Nothing is worse than being embarrassed and feeling flush and then someone points out how red your face is and how embarrassed you must be. Thanks. People are such dicks.

-“Cute as a button” – what kind of weird apparel fetish do you have?

-It really upsets me when a store has double-doors but they only have one door unlocked. What kind of weird mind experiment trick are playing on me shop keeper?! I demand answers!

-“Do you know how fast you were going?” “No officer, I bought the only car on the entire planet that doesn’t have a speedometer. This sweet ride is pretty much just a Power Wheels on steroids.”

-Few things in this world could be worse than being trapped in an elevator with a mime who takes miming extremely seriously.

-Your love is a trapdoor that is a slide made of rainbows that leads to a vat of glitter that slowly swallows me like quicksand and I’m being smothered by the dazzle and choking on the magic.

Switch Off Your Autopilot

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-I haven’t been able to gauge which one is better after a night of partying; waking up naked, or waking up fully clothed in what I wore the night before.

-I love a good story about people wasting their lives searching for the fountain of youth. So much irony.

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who names feathers in their hat anyway? This shit keeps me awake at night.

-You can wear a sports jersey if: (1) you actually play the damn sport, (2) you are at the actual sporting event, (3) you are sleeping with the athlete whose name is on the jersey. If you are not meeting the requirements of (1) or (2), then (3) will be assumed.

-“I miss you as much as I miss the toilet when I’m drunk.”

-Even if you eat Cheetos with a knife and fork, you will still somehow have orange crumbs on all of your fingertips. Even if you eat Cheetos while wearing a fully enclosed biological suit you will still get orange crumbs on your fingertips, that shit is inescapable.

-Zombies hate nothing more than a boarded up entryway.

-On slow afternoons I memorize the words to porno movies.

-Earlier this week I had a day where it seemed everything I touched, I broke. I was too terrified to use the restroom.

-One does not dabble in the friend zone. Foot, thigh, waist, shoulders, head; the friend zone swallows you whole.

-“Why are you dressed like a pirate? Halloween isn’t for months.”
“It’s laundry day.”
“But you had to wear the eye patch?”
“It completes the outfit!”

-No one wants to go down on their significant other and feel like they’re talking to ZZ Top.

-As a man, I can confidently inform the female population that getting sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine is a terrible idea. Those articles are not typically written by heterosexual males, so the validity of the information is highly questionable and subject to great bias. You’d be better off asking a nun what men like in the bedroom.

Eyes Like Wildflowers

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-I’ve been killing zombies since I was 10. It’s the only crisis I’ve ever felt prepared for.

-I play this game with myself when people are talking to me, I pay attention intently, nod my head when a response is requested, sometimes I’ll even voice my opinions on the matter being discussed and then I remember shit. People think it’s funny. I’m going to call this game “listening”. We’ll see if it catches on.

-The worst thing a girl can do to a guy is give him time to think things over.

-The truth will set you free – unless you’re guilty, then it will get you 5-10.

-I lost 20lbs on the “I drank more whiskey than what was previously thought to be humanly possible in one night” diet.

-It’s the details that qualify a statement:
“I found a publisher for my first book… It will be the first coloring book to focus on the great depression. It will only require black, grey, brown, and dark blue to color.”
“I never spend a night alone… Because I live with seven dwarfs and many, many cats.”
“I’m not an axe murderer… I’m a knife murderer. Have you ever tried sneaking an axe into a movie theater? Very difficult.”
“I can count… Up until about twenty, then it starts getting tricky.”
“I’ll never forget the first time we met… And how much I wanted to strangle you so you would shut up.”
“I hate paying bills… That’s why I’m going to live in my parent’s basement until they kick me out.”

-You have the freedom to succeed and the freedom to starve.

-If you watch Godzilla backwards it’s the story of a giant lizard that rebuilds a city and then moonwalks into the ocean.

-Ideas are like fireflies. When in the open night air they are almost magic, but when under scrutiny in the confines of a jar they lose their magic as logistics and reason begin to take over.

-At the rate we’re going, by 2035, girl’s outfits will continue to cover less and less of their body until they are walking around in bikini sized outfits. Meanwhile, men will still be criticizing other men who wear speedos as swimsuits.

-I wonder if there was someone that Elvis based his stage appearance on. Surely he wasn’t the first man with black hair, sunglasses and sideburns. Imagine how flattering it would be to have a yearly convention of people trying their damndest to look just like you.

-I hate surprises, unless its lingerie. Those surprises are welcomed!

-A perfectionist is someone who has a practice funeral before they actually keel over.

-I need a phone with a built in breathalyzer so that when I call or text anyone after 9pm it shows them my blood alcohol content level.

-When going on a blind date through mutual friends you tend to worry about what your date will think of you, but when you go on a date set up through the internet you tend worry if your date is actually an axe murderer or not.

-I have reason to believe that she is make-believe.