Category Archives: Regular Posts

Posts written in the form of random free flowing thoughts.

Hackneyed

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-There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I don’t date fish.

-If  we could regenerate lost limbs, cutting off your own leg with a table knife wouldn’t be a bad way to get out of going to work for a couple days.

-”So, Mrs. Peacock, you weren’t the least bit suspicious when Mr. White asked you to bring a wrench and a candlestick with you to the kitchen?”

-Simon says, shut the fuck up!

-Monday through Thursday you can consider me clinically deceased. I live for the weekends, explicitly, for the weekends.

-The only justice I’ve seen in the world in the past several years was when Britney Spears lost custody of her kids. Oh, and that one woman who was sentenced eight years in prison for cutting off her boyfriend’s dick with a kitchen knife.

-I want my first child to be born in one of those giant ball pits on Chuck-E-Cheese. That’s how I’d want to come into this world.

-Carpet burns never tell the whole story.

-The person you love more than anything on this planet is nearly 70% water.

-When you tell someone they have something on their face, they will always wipe the wrong side first. I just play along and tell them they got it. 

-When you receive a compliment, be ready for the request of a favor in the sentences to follow. “Man, that hat looks great on you!… Can I borrow a kidney next weekend?”

-Due to the increase of school shootings, if you browse the internet a little you can find backpacks that come with bulletproof Kevlar lining. Kind of sad, huh?

-The more popular you are, the less privacy you have. Now thanks to Facebook, you can be a broke, jobless, jerk-off, and abandon your privacy all together without even having to be in a single teenage vampire movie!

-Why is it okay to say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” but people give you weird looks when you say “I’m so hungry I could eat my neighbors and probably even their annoying little dog.”

-Opinions matter because facts don’t change.

-If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need one. If a girl doesn’t make you wear a condom, you probably should have worn three.

It Only Took A Day

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 -The expression “Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” has no validity on a nudist beach.

-The more I look around at the world today, the more I’m convinced that the Tree of Wisdom was axed down to make room for a Starbucks.

-When you have one of those days where it feels like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders, just remember it’s only 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000lbs. That’s not too bad if you really think about it.

-I want to die behind the wheel of a car… No, I want to go quietly in my sleep… Nah, I want to go quietly in my sleep while behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully my passengers want to go out screaming and panicking while violently shaking a sleeping man.

-This has to be the best album title ever: C-Murder’s “The Truest Shit I Ever Said”.

-When I blow my nose I have to cup the tissue real close to my face otherwise my brain might shoot out.

-Statistically, the most common expression used in games of Hangman is “hangman” (how creative we are!). When playing, I usually start off with sexually transmitted diseases and then move on to names of terminal illnesses. I think we’d all rather be hung than have “genital warts” or “cancer of the ball sack”. Losing doesn’t seem so bad then.

-You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. Well, if the girl is 2,000lbs, then you can’t take her out of the trailer park either.

-Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. That’s why you should remind them at every single opportunity possible.

-Isn’t an occult pretty much the same thing as a cult? I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on the cover of my membership brochures.

-Apparently this man-rule hasn’t been passed down through the generations as it should be, so I’m going to state it plain and simple for you to hear and understand: Never buy your girlfriend/wife a fake dick that is bigger than your dick.

-There are things in life I fear I’ll never learn to do. Like how to look seductive while reading a newspaper.

-I have so much stuff that I’m supposed to take to the grave with me that I just might have to be cremated to fit it all in my coffin.

-I remember the afternoons we used to spend together before you got too cool. I miss them.

Pass Through The In-Between

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-I had a dream that I was crowd-surfing at a huge rock concert… naked.

-Would you rather be cut in half slowly by a sharp object or quickly by a blunt object? I know, you’d rather not be in cut in half, but suppose you had to pick one.

-You only have to do one cock push-up.

-Firecrackers are by far the most entertaining way to lose one of your digits.

-Time travel is only possible after having several mixed drinks. You will be able to skip several hours of the night, but then you will spend nearly a week trying to figure out what happened while you were caught in the space/time continuum.

-Without the weapons, armies would just be terrible fashion trends literally sweeping across a nation.

-Introducing food into a romantic evening can be interesting, but a honey basted turkey and an entire pan of cornbread is taking things a little too far. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I suggest you at least wait until the family leaves the dinner table.

-I bet the nation suicide rate would drop dramatically if you had to include a works cited page with your suicide note.

-The day I perfect my longhand will likely be the day I die.

-Don’t blame the elephants when they go on a rampage during a circus. After all of those years being forced to sit on that little round stool and eat stale peanuts I’d want to step on some necks too. Same goes for the motorcycle riding bears and the tigers that jump through rings of fire.

-You can’t run from your problems, especially when your problem is a treadmill.

-I have a great cheesy superhero name just itching to become a monthly comic: Max Douche. He has the ability to one-up anything you say and is always dating obnoxious bitches. Under his cape he has a holster to hold his cheap cologne, a pack of condoms, a bottle opener and a pack of ping pong balls for beer pong.

-If I owned a magic flying school bus, the last thing I would do would go on adventures with the intent to learn.

-I’ve given out all of my advice, so now that I need help there’s nothing to turn to.

-Life is game; a shitty one. It is full of liars and cheaters who will steal your paper money and skip two spaces as soon as you aren’t looking. I’m watching you Top Hat!

Everyone Makes Mistakes, But Me

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-When choosing legal council, I always go with the lawyer with the most terrible commercial. If he/she is so eager for work that they are willing to make a complete ass of themselves on public television, then I know they will be able to focus solely on my case.

-All of the good women are taken, but that little hiccup hasn’t stopped me yet.

-What goes around comes around; like Ferris Wheels, merry-go-rounds, umbrellas, balls, and some hats.

-You know your child’s future is rather bleak when the guidance counselor suggests your child look into forklift operating as a potential college major.

-If you believe in Jesus, it isn’t asking much of you to consider the possibility of a zombie outbreak in the future.

-No one can do the robot better than an actual robot. That’s how the machines will take over one day, first it’s our dance moves, then it’s our souls.

-Someone once told me “Remember these words, for they will save your life one day.” Pretty amazing stuff. Words, these, will, for, they, day, remember, life, save, your, one. Wonder how that’s going to save me… Is it a password or something? Will I be forced into a game of real-life Hangman and those are the answers to the puzzle? Only time will tell.

-There are many more things in our broom closet that just brooms. In fact, I don’t think there is even a broom in there at all…

-Corporate sponsors never forget.

-Remember to always burn all incriminating evidence.

-Pimps should start using an Employee of The Month program to boost moral a bit.

-I save all of my Christmas candy canes to give out to trick-or-treaters the following year.

-A naked game of Twister sounds like fun until left-hand green, left-leg yellow, and right-leg red. Then things just take a turn for the worse.

-To whoever does the marketing for Icy Hot, I implore you to create an ad campaign around Blue Oyster Cult’s “I’m Burnin’ For You”.

-If you’re going to get addicted to drugs, I at least hope it’s Children’s Tylenol in the bubblegum flavor. That shit is delicious!

Just When You Thought I Was Dead

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-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.

-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.

-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.

-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.

-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.

-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.

-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.

-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.

-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.

-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.

-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.

-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.

-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.

A Thinking Man’s Thoughts

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-Which skill set do you think would be more beneficial in hand-to-hand combat: knitting or lots of hours playing Gameboy?

-I have yet to write a book review for any class that didn’t include the line: “My favorite part of this book was the cover art.”

-There’s no better way to show your girl how much you care, then to give her a loving mammogram for Valentines.

-Restrooms are used for a lot of things, but rest isn’t usually one of them.

-Fencing is pretty much just silly dancing that gives two rich folks the chance to poke each other with a stick.

-If you wore leopard print pants, a zebra print top, a beaver fur coat, and a hat lined with rabbit fur, you’d be matching and looking fabulous in my book. PETA would fucking hate you though and probably bomb your house while you’re out on the town in your jungle-themed getup.

-The only way I’d join the police force is if they had discounts on the stuff they keep stored in the evidence room.

-If I ever become president of the world, I’m making every Monday, Margarita Monday.

-There needs to be a website like Rate My Professor that keeps track of which hospitals have the best looking nurses because when no American has health insurance anymore, I’d like to know that I’m getting the most for my money.

-Sometimes truth can set you free – other times it will send you straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

-You’re riding on a bus and there are only two seats left; one next to you and one next to a man who is partially on fire. You know you’re ugly when a woman wearing lots of hairspray boards the bus and takes her chances with the human torch guy.

-If you can’t say anything nice, please speak louder so we can all bask in your ignorance and stupidity!

-I really, really hope the Spice Girls make a huge comeback in 2010. Now that I’m with my lover and her friends, I just have to know what I need to do next!

-As soon as we can solve the disappearing sock problem we’ll be able to unravel the mysteries of the universe.

So Awesome It Hurts When I Pee

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-I can’t dance; I don’t even pretend to be okay at it. So, at parties I just tell people I have a basal ganglia problem and they leave me alone about it. Unfortunately, then they spread rumors thinking it’s an STD I have and not a brain disorder.

-I start every social gathering with a lovely chorus of “If You’re Happy And You Know It”. I just add the line “If you’re not happy, then get the fuck out.” It’s a quick way to weed out the depressed people that are sure to start drama once they consume alcohol.

-As you get older, the number of dots needed to make a connect-the-dots puzzle fun gradually increases as your worldly experiences grow and your imagination deteriorates. “It’s a giraffe. Next puzzle…” “It’s the Eifel Tower. Next…” “It’s me stabbing myself in the face with this pencil because this isn’t any fun.”

-I played so much of Assassin’s Creed II that I can speak pretty competent Italian now.

-Not sure if your new love interest is a slut/man-whore? Here’s an easy way to find out: ask them to draw a picture of the opposite sex’s private parts. If they can draw a better picture of your plumbing that you can, you’re probably dating a person who gets around faster than mono at a kissing booth.

-I find it suspicious that British people never sound British when they sing. I think their entire country is faking the accent just to be different.

-To save time with all of my bathroom visits, I finish every meal by eating two sheets of paper towels.

-It’s quite difficult to throw away a garbage can.

-If you run backwards down a flight of stairs fast enough you just might trip and hit your head really hard and forget who you are. That’s not quite like time travel, but it’s pretty close if you really think about it.

-You know it’s Christmas time if even when checking out online, there is a wait time and they’re out of shopping carts.

-I have a great idea! Caffeine is an appetite suppressor and while you sleep your body stores fat, right? I have new diet craze ready to sweet the nation! For fourteen days I’ll drink nothing but coffee and never go to sleep! This is will be great! Come on America lets lose those muffin tops, love handles, and those man-boobs that are starting to resemble actual boobs!

-Never play hide and seek with your Alzheimer grandma. If you can’t find her, she just might stay hidden inside the basement closet until she withers away to dust.

-”Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.”

More Forgiving Than The Waistband On A Pair Of Sweatpants

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-Sometimes it takes a violent zombie attack to really show you what you’re made of.

-I know a movie plot that would please both the men and the women in the audience. It will start off as a typical romantic comedy and then in the third act robots will suddenly show up and kill all of the main characters, the end.

-I don’t give in to peer pressure, I surrender to it.

-There could be a very interesting string of commercials resulting from Smoothie King and Burger King merging. Each one showing their struggle to gain control of a marketing region, spilt ketchup packets and fruit skins littering a battlefield, napkins covering the remains of smashed fries, and battle equipment made from straws and plastic cups.

-Having a romantic moment in the rain can be as simple as being completely naked under your $5 rain poncho.

-”Sneaky as a slug” seems like a completely legitimate expression that ought to exists.

-People who aren’t handicapped that park in handicap parking spaces should be made handicap.

-You can play the air guitar and look kinda cool, you can play air drums and show everyone you have great rhythm, but when you play the air harmonica, everyone will just think you’re mimicking the actions of eating corn on the cob and they’ll just stare at you.

-I’m a third generation paper airplane builder. My father’s father taught him, my father taught me, and I’ll be sure to teach my children the dying art form of constructing paper flying contraptions.

-If you were to give up wearing underwear, you’d have about forty-five minutes of extra free time each year.

-You never see a series of violent finger paintings. I think it’s because once you get the paint all over your hands you can’t help but enjoy yourself as you make a huge mess.

-Someone needs to make a sitcom about an Italian mob family trying to kill Houdini. Every week they find him, chain him up, and throw in lake, yet he escapes every time.

-Does lint go from your pocket to your belly button or from your belly button to your pocket?

-Give a man a fish and he’ll be fed for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will be fed until he slowly dies of mercury poisoning.

-Under-wire bras; I can’t think of any better use of metal wire, can you?

As Serious As An Erection Problem

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Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.

-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.

-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.

-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!

-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador

-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?

-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!

-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.

-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.

-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.

-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.

-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.

-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.

-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.

-Ignorance is not bliss.

In My Opinion, Dinosaurs Still Rule The Earth

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-Which do you think kills more people annually: hula-hoops or flame throwers?

-It’s hard to be a cashier at a pharmacy and legitimately ask people how they’re doing today when they are buying a gallon of Pepto-Bismol, flu relief medicine, cold sore cream, and three different ointments for who knows what!

-When I was younger I thought of the future as bright and happy, everyone zipping around in hover cars, and robots doing all of our daily work. Now when I think of the future, I imagine dolphins swimming in a sea of discarded plastic water bottles, robots taking revenge and ruthlessly killing every human in sight, and no more factories making clean fresh underwear.

-Bad luck is getting stung by a bee while carrying a bouquet of silk flowers.

-Here’s a little known fact: Betty Crocker burnt down he house when she tried to make her first batch of cupcakes with her Easy Bake Oven.

-If you found a $100 bill floating in a dirty toilet bowl in a public restroom, would you fetch it out? If it was $10,000 would you get the bills out with using only your teeth? If so, you’d be eligible to be on my upcoming reality television show, Fear This Big Brother Survivor In The Real World Eat Nasty Things Vs The Wild.

-Sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you feel like a pistachio.

-I want to live in a house with a hedge maze in the front yard. When people come over I’ll know it’s something important since it took them 45 minutes to an hour just to find my front door. After knocking, they’ll be disappointed when I call for them to step inside and they realize I live in a house of mirrors.

-Most people’s biggest concern about space travel is how to astronauts poop in zero gravity.

-Photos are good for reminding you of things you’d like to forget about: exes, deceased loved ones, times that will never be again, things lost over the years. It’s your memories (skewed, perverse, and bias) that keep the pleasant thoughts of your past in a bright light of insurmountable glory.

-If you’re big enough to feed a cannibalistic family of 5, then maybe it’s time to go to the gym a bit more often.

-Emo pick-up line: The depression really brings out the tears in your eyes.

-Quit before your ratings drop and you’re forgotten.