Overwhelming The Underwhelmed

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-On every first date I go on, I try to work a few very important questions casually into the conversation: 1) Have you ever cut a man’s dick off? 2) Was your uncle cremated and do you keep his remains in a milk jug in the refrigerator? And 3) Have you ever contemplated chopping a man’s wiener off? If she answers those three questions satisfactory then I’ll probably arrange to see her again.

-Sexy dorky people shall now be referred to as “storky”.

-Life certainly is a highway, but unfortunately I know a few people that just can’t seem to leave their driveway.

-Ordering sushi at a restaurant instead of cooked meat is like wanting a gallon of milk and having to buy a cow at a grocery store. Just hang on to that shit until it’s ready for me to consume.

-I came up with some new dance moves last night. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I’d relate it to how a person would look if an alien suddenly burst from their sternum and then did a little jazz hands at the end.

-You a name that would really suck to have? Dickface Cockbag III.

-Have you ever tried to teach a zombie some table manners? It’s really hard to get it through their head that they shouldn’t play with their food and that they ought to use some napkins and not be such messy eaters. Not to mention that the entire time you’re trying to teach them they’re trying to disembowel you and wear your face as a hat.

-There are several types of deaths in movies that you just can’t ever take seriously and they always have at least a little bit of comic value. One death that comes to mind in particular is anyone being killed by a harpoon gun that isn’t underwater or dressed in scuba gear.

-It doesn’t matter that you lost, what matters is what you learned from your failures. For example, now you know exactly how not to win a $5,000 grand prize. That might be useful.

-Pro Tip: You mop floors by holding onto the dry end.

-My love life can be summed up in one simple equation: Me = Life – Love

-My creativity knows no bounds. Nor does it recognize any laws, moral boundaries, personal standards, or social norms.

Amazing v. Mundane

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Mundane: Having your pants fall down.
Amazing: Pushing your pants to your feet while on stage singing the National Anthem at the first game of the World Series.

pantsdown

Mundane: Having a great mother.
Amazing: Having the great looking mother.

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Mundane: Believing in Jesus.
Amazing: Believing you are Jesus and introducing yourself as Jesus at every party.

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Mundane: Meeting new people.
Amazing: Meeting new people on the internet.

newpeople

Mundane: Being a Pope.
Amazing: Being a Pope and wearing a funny hat.

popehat

Mundane: Being President of the United States.
Amazing: Being Chuck Norris.

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Mundane: Building a sandcastle.
Amazing: Building this sand castle.

sandcastle

Mundane: Wearing shorts.
Amazing: Wearing short shorts.

shortshorts

Mundane: Bling.
Amazing: Frosted Flake bling.

frostedflakebling

Keeping Score, With Fingers And Toes

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-I’m not too sure about victory, but I definitely know the smell of utter defeat.

-I think I can speak on behalf of all men when I say that it is really fucking hard to focus when there is an abundant amount of cleavage in a room.

-There’s no better way to learn awkward information about your friends than through a rousing game of Never Have I Ever.

-My mind likes to play tricks on me. I tell him he’s really smart and he makes me do stupid things to impress girls.

-People skills are an important tool for proper social interactions. Dropping your pants in the middle of a crowded room and singing Kumbaya is not a demonstration of proper people skills.

-I’m compiling a list of names. A list of names of people I’d like to see thrown into a giant vat of Jell-O.

-The tagline “This will make your dick explode!” is a terrible attempt at promotion even if it’s for a male enhancement pill.

-Amputation is the new option for people who want to lose a quick 10-20lbs.

-If I had a pet dinosaur, the first trick I’d teach him would be how to play extinct. The second trick I’d teach him would be to not eat me.

-If a blind person tells you to “Watch out!” is he a liar and a total prick or does he just have a great sense of humor?

-With the proper number of stamps attached to your face, you should be able to mail yourself anywhere in the world.

-If the devil is real, I’m almost certain he has at least a part-time position at the DMV.

-Lines of advice that rhyme or are typically presented in a limerick form are usually not good advice.

-The ambition to be invited onto a tour bus for a night of intense passion with a famous person is quickly overshadowed by the depths of which your morals will have to sink in order to go through with the act.

-Here’s a little advice that might get you through the week: If you can’t swim, don’t rock the boat.

Undergarments On Your Cranium

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-If you can’t say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.

-Right before I die, I want to go to my local library and rent every single encyclopedia, dictionary, or reference book for words starting with the letter S. Then when I pass away, I want to be buried with all of them.

-A Port-O-Potty Port-O-Pole-Dancer would be a great idea.

-There’s no better way to start the day than with a big cup of hot, all natural Brazilian blended smooth roast coffee being dumped all over your lap.

-I’d blow myself up for 72 virgins. I’ve done dumber things for girls in the past.

-I don’t like to brag about my popularity, but I’m universally renowned as That Guy Over There in most social circles.

- It’s just simple logic; the larger your shoes, the more likely you are to step in dog shit.

-Due to the speed limits being eliminated, gondola accident fatalities in Venice are up 200% this year.

-D’s are like B’s without a belt on.

-I’d be willing to bet that most astronomers fell into the profession after their neighbors learned to keep their blinds closed.

-They’ve already installed the stairway, but I’m starting a petition to install a handicap ramp to heaven.

-A friend and I were nearly in a car accident this week. Not the head-on-collision type, more like the too-many-bottles-of-water-and-no-gas-station-to-stop-at type.

-When I’m running late in the mornings, I iron my clothes in the car on the way to work. It’s tricky, I got burnt a few times, but after some practice, it’s not too bad.

-My train of thought derailed when I was 10 and I’ve been cleaning up the spilt cargo ever since.

-”…And like a fart in the wind, he disappeared.”

All Of A Sudden, Change

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-Hungering for knowledge is easy, but it means more than just regurgitating it all back up again for a test.

-Guys never stop two girls from fighting because there’s always the possibility that one of them might pull on the others clothes and a booby just might pop out. Even if the fight is between two girls in Alaska during the winter while they are both wearing two sweaters and a jacket; guys won’t stop the fight and that’s the honest truth.

-I’m really craving to get a new suit and spend a night on the town with a lady all dressed up. I must be getting old, either that or my fetishes are taking a turn for the ridiculously expensive.

-Muff burger, tuna taco: won’t find those on the dollar menu.

-The only difference between me and rock is that a rock can open a can without cutting itself.

-The best supporting actor in Transformers was Megan Fox’s pushup bra.

-I want an internet connection so fast that I’m browsing porn sites before I even know I want to see some nudity.

-I’m not particularly good at pickup lines. Lately I’ve been using this one though with mild success: “I’m probably the most interesting guy in this bar tonight, I’ll treat you right, and I’ll respect you as a fellow human being.”

-I hope that when I’m a dad and I ask my son what he wants to be when he grows up, he doesn’t look up at me and say something like “Daddy, I want to be shot out of a cannon for a living.” That’s one of those times when you really shouldn’t encourage them with the classic “Well, you can be anything you want to be.” line. Then I’d go tell my wife thanks for giving birth to a 45lb cannon ball.

-The details are really scarce in the article, but yesterday a group of pirates tried to board a U.S. cargo ship en route to Mombasa but the pirates couldn’t make it aboard the vessel, gave up and left before a coalition battleship showed up to escort the boat. You call yourself a pirate? Less rum, more training, and next time bring some fucking rope!

-I’ll be damned if I know what those girls on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they sure are pretty, and they’re definitely having a much better time than me.

-Nothing brings the family together like a good old fashioned heart attack.

- Cunnus lingua – the fancier you make it sound, the more exciting and taboo it sounds.

Just Because Everyone Should Know

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-The world isn’t round; it’s more of an oblong shape.

-MySpace will always be free, however, oxygen will not.

-You will never be able to truly see how you look with sunglasses on.

-Women blink twice as much as men, but that’s probably just because the men are staring at women.

-Budweiser beer can actually be used to condition your hair.

-There are no new TV shows; everything is a rerun of some other bullshit you’ve already seen.

-At any given time, roughly 61,000 people are flying in the skies above the United States.

-Along with hundreds of sex positions, the Kama Sutra also lists 30 different types of kissing.

-The people featured in the ‘singles hotline’ commercials aren’t the kind of people you actually talk to when you call.

-Humans produce about 10,000 gallons of saliva in a lifetime. Until food is dissolved by saliva, we do not taste it.

-Minding your p’s and q’s is a lot like minding your b’s and d’s.

-Time flies because if it walked then waiting for your turn to use the bathroom would always end in a horrible mess.

-The government already knows how to clone human beings, they just don’t tell everyone the secret because procreation is too damn fun.

-Yes, that dress does make you look fat.

-Men can read smaller print than women, however, women hear better.

-Cleopatra married two of her brothers.

-The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

-Advice always comes late, criticism is always harsh, and judgment is always passed.

Eyes Wide Mouth Shut

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-Creativity is a pool, a public pool in fact. And well, sometimes a kid poops in your pool and everyone has to get out until the mess is all cleaned up.

-A teacher gave me her home phone number once. Said she wanted to talk with me about my dangling participle.

-Due to the recession, everything is taking a cutback, even the cake and cake stripper industry. Due to the tough economic times, bachelor parties, birthday parties, and first communions have had to resort to hiring midget and amputee strippers to cut back on the cost of the giant cake needed for the strippers to pop out of.

-Dumb people should die. On Saturday, a lady at the Berlin zoo thought it’d be a good idea to hop over the large cement wall and dive into the water with polar bears during feeding time. They then began to nibble on her plump fat rolls. [Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html#cnnSTCVideo ] Original article, pictures and video of the attack available at the link. It’s not that violent, but some might find the video disturbing: she’s plump, she’s soaking wet, and life rafts are breaking in half as rescuers try to hoist her to safety… Oh yeah, and there are some bears trying to eat her.

-It’s fine if you want to have Jesus as your co-pilot, but I don’t recommend him as your D.D.

-You know a shitty feeling? Doing your tax return and finding out you actually owe the government money instead.
 
-You know an even shittier feeling? Getting a tattoo and one of the words are spelt wrong.

-The only bunnies I care to hear about on Easter weekend are the Playboy bunnies. In fact, they’re the only bunnies I ever care to hear about. Fuck bunnies. “Fuck bunnies” should be the new slang for couples who procreate too frequently.

-Being able to confidently walk up to a cash register and purchase a tub of lube says a lot about your character.

-I have many ambitions in life; one is to spend a week being nothing but cougar meat, and by cougar I do not mean the feline.

-The best nights of your life won’t be spent sleeping.

-Keep this secret between just you and me, but you’re favorite reader. Seriously, you’re great.

Bathroom Stall Of Fame

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-I made my spring resolutions today. You know what spring resolutions are, right? They’re the second chance at the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broke. There’s also such a thing as fall resolutions if you still can’t keep your promises to yourself. On the other hand however, there is not such thing as summer resolutions. All bets are off for the summertime.

-I want to live on the moon. Then I wouldn’t have to mow the fucking grass.

-Before I die, I want to be involved in a huge city mob. I want to be that guy in the background with the flaming torch who yells “Let’s get him guys!”

-Bad luck is trying to catch a suicidal person as they jump from a roof and in turn the weight of their body landing on you kills you but lets them walk away unscathed.

-You know an expression I really miss? “Insane with the membrane.”

-Twilight isn’t a vampire movie per say. It’s actually a documentary of a pale high school kid who is constantly making funny faces in between reapplying large amounts of hair gel and stalking innocent girls while they sleep.

-I don’t do drugs because almost 5% of them are smuggled into the country rectally. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.

-You know why they haven’t changed the Slinky? You can’t improve perfection.

-I wore a calculator watch when I was younger. Not because it was convenient, not because I was a dork, I wore it because I cheated on math tests.

-”Incest” is a really hilarious typo when you mean “insect”. Especially when talking about incest repellant spray or when you’re telling a story about how you had to slap the incest right off your face!

-Unless you’re a bee farmer you have absolutely no reason to ever, ever, say “None of your bees wax.”

-Did you know that Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol?

-I order all of my condoms online. There’s no better way to guarantee a safe, secure, contraceptive than to have it delivered to my house in the mid afternoon by the delicate hands of a postal worker only to me left on my doorstep for hours until I arrive home.

-I enjoy pulling people’s legs. Not jokingly, I mean literally: I enjoy hiding under things and pulling people’s appendages as they stroll by. It makes me giggle.

Deserters Will Be Shot

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-I have a beard, I make the rules.

-If you live along the southern border of the United States, I suggest you learn Spanish. It’s always a good idea to learn the language of your conquerors.

-The good thing about global warming is that maybe I’ll finally have a nice even tan. I don’t know about you, but once the temperature gets above 110 degrees I’m just going to stop wearing pants all together.

-I passed the Good Samaritan test this morning. While walking out to my car, there was a brand new Mercedes car with its door wide open. I looked around, didn’t see anybody nearby so I shut the car door. On my way out of the parking lot a police car stopped me and told me thanks for being so nice, but that they were waiting for someone to try to take the car or for someone to steal belongings from inside. Little did he know, I planned to come back with a big sack so I could more easily carry the sweet roller blades that were laying in the backseat and the two stray golf clubs that were lying on the floorboard. Good thing he blew his cover. That would have been really embarrassing.

-My favorite thing about James Bond flicks is the ridiculous names for the lead ladies. Could you imagine a girl actually having to suffer through public school with a name like Pussy Galore?

-I had a dream that I lived in a great and wonderful world made entirely of sand, then in that dream it started to rain and everything turned to mud and muck. It must have been a representation of my last relationship. Fucking whore, but I digress.

-I’m a very patient man. Yesterday I waited in line at the bank for 45 minutes just to get a pen.

-I wonder who came up with the idea that giving someone a bouquet of thorny, blood red flowers would be a good way to show their love for someone. I would have gone for something lighter in color that didn’t have a possibility of making someone bleed, but I guess that’s just me.

-I dated a model once. A plus size model, but still, doesn’t mean I can’t brag a little.

-Aren’t all drugs recreational drugs? Is there really anyone who takes drugs professionally?

-I’m a strong advocate of free speech. I started a 500 man petition to Wheel of Fortune to stop making people buy vowels.

-”In the backroom she’s everyone darling.”

B-List Superheroes

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B-Superhero: The Almighty Crease!
Special Ability: Has the ability to fold clothes extremely well.

B-Superhero: The Well Groomed Gentleman!
Special Ability: Perfect hygiene.

B-Superhero: Rinse Cycle!
Special Ability: Never loses socks in the dryer and never leaves a red shirt in with whites.

B-Superhero: Algorithm Maniac!
Special Ability: Master of the math problem.

B-Superhero: Exact Change!
Special Ability: Always has the exact amount for any transaction.

B-Superhero: The Spare Button Wrangler!
Special Ability: There in a snap whenever you loose a button and sometimes when you loose a zipper.

B-Superhero: The Living Google Search Box!
Special Ability: Always there whenever you need to look something vital up.

B-Superhero: Mr. Roboto!
Special Ability: Capable of breaking out the most realistic robot dance moves the world has ever known.

B-Superhero: Really Obvious Statement Maker!
Special Ability: There for the greater good of humanity when we need someone to walk out in the rain and say “Man, I think it’s raining.”

B-Superhero: The Hang Man!
Special Ability: Able to solve any Hangman puzzle in three guesses or less.

B-Superhero: Static Cling!
Special Ability:  She instantly dusts off anything she walks near.

B-Superhero: The Reader!
Special Ability: She’s able to read the mind of any domestic house cat and tell you want they’re thinking.

B-Superhero: Air Guitarist Maximus!
Special Ability: Can shred invisible air guitars better than anyone can shred the real thing.