July 10th, 2009
-I’m a sponge full of smelly stale water and useless information.
-Every time I’m dreaming, just when it gets to the good part; right when I’m about to save the damsel in distress; the moment I’m about to solve the hangman puzzle; just as I’m about to pour the honey all over my naked body; right when I’m signing the contract on purchasing my first unicorn; my alarm goes off and wakes me up. Life isn’t fair.
-”Did you not just hear what I told you?”
“Sorry, I have my bullshit speech filter turned on. Give me a second… Okay, go ahead, what were you saying?”
-The Caps Lock key should be in all capitals, just to get the message across. The Insert key should be re-labeled to “Fucking hell! Did I push that one useless fucking button again?”
-Have you ever disliked someone so much that when you meet someone with the same name you cringe a little?
-My boss was telling me a story about her college life but I had to interrupt her to ask if her major was deflating hopes and dreams or if she just got a degree in distribution of duties.
-”I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.” – James Buchanan
-Every year, 150 people are killed by exercise equipment. Self-improvement that!
-Another interesting fact I found was that 900 women die annually during cunnilingus.
-Shaking hands with cactus plants and occasionally hugging a porcupine aren’t the only ways to find pricks; most of them are on television now and hold a seat in the government.
-When I grow up, I want to do something prestigious, like be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to eat the most hot dogs in an hour or something.
-Welcome to 191st day of the year. It will likely be just like the previous 190.
-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. So they’re pretty much just like humans.
-Success has enemies.
Tags: alarm clock, boss, caps lock, college, deaths, dislike, dreams, enemies, exercise equipment, guinness book of records, hate, hopes, hot dogs, insects, insert key, keyboard, keys, killed, oral sex, praying matis, pricks, quote, religion, sponge, success, when i grow up, yearly
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July 9th, 2009
click the little picture to watch it grow up into a full size picture
translation problems
my first set of wheels.
this guy is getting kicked in the face. i thought it was funny because the sign behind him says "dick" really huge.
the cutest stuffed animal i've ever seen.
megalisa fox
it says "i'm a badass" but also "i don't want to die of lung cancer at age 40".
"ew, your breath smells like coffee, get a mint."
can you guess which of these officers has a fear of clowns?
it's like he's saying "i'm my gosh i can't believe they just came home through my back door!"
it takes a special type of person to make something like this.
Tags: funny, funny pictures, gallery, hilarious, images, pictures, random, Random Pictures
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July 8th, 2009
-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?
-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.
-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.
-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.
-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.
-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.
-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.
-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.
-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.
-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.
-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.
-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.
-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.
-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.
-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.
Tags: acme, alcohol, art, author, baywatch, book, bugs, chile, cover, dating, drink, drunk, gross, hippies, insects, lake, lake house, man of my word, mold, movie, news, nudity, paintings, pornography, pro tip, pus, putty, relationships, roadrunner, slip and slide, snot, time traveling, vagina, wile coyote, writer, zombies
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July 7th, 2009
Clickies to biggies
making degrees possible since january 2001!
water fail
back from the grave to bring you these phat beats!
saving the planet one #2 at a time!
so touching, yet so sad.
go go gadget arm!
i'm not sure what boy scouts you were in, but this isn't how i got my fire building badge.
the beauty, the grace, the gore; best rendition of swan lake i've ever seen.
that's a versatile company if i've ever seen one.
tools make all the difference.
Tags: funny, funny pictures, hilarious, images, pictures, random, Random Pictures
Posted in Random Pictures | 1 Comment »
July 6th, 2009
-I’m filled with so much passion and desire that sometimes it feels like I’m actually on fire.
-The world needs more sprinkle toppings.
-Running into a bathroom and yelling “I’m going to blow this place up” is not the same as running into a post office and yelling the same thing.
-If you’re going to verbally dig yourself a hole, you might as well dig yourself an eloquent one.
-Your importance is justified by how many birthday cakes you have for one single birthday. This year I got two. I’m pretty sure that makes me second in importance only to the President.
-When you work a dead-end retail job, a girl coming into the store wearing a damp bikini is your holy grail.
-They should just give the weather forecasts as a percentage chance to hear someone else bitch about the weather. “There’s a 35% chance you’ll run into someone that’ll claim that its ‘hot as hell outside.’ With a slight chance of ‘we really need the rain.’”
-Kung Fudge – the art of eating sweet delights without anyone else finding out and/or possibly asking you for a piece.
-Wearing headphones in public is useful for two things: it lets the wearer drown out all of the stupid people around them and, for the non-headphone wearers, it identifies who all of the self-important pricks are.
-Holding a pie-eating contest is not a sound way to pick your future wife.
-All television shows should have a mandatory big dance number in every episode.
-Disney World, happiest place on earth? Not this week. A monorail crash early Sunday morning killed one of the train operators. Sixteen people have died in the park since 1989.
-I’m a new weight watchers diet. I get a part time job at a fast food joint and I watch all the customers get fatter.
-You know you’re popular in prison when you get an invitation to the Cell Block B annual slumber party.
-Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick after all.
Tags: bathroom, bikini, birthday, birthday cake, bitch, butler, candlestick, clue, crash, deaths, desire, diet, digging yourself a hole, disney world, fire, forecast, girls, headphones, importance, monorail, passion, pie, popular, prison, retail, slang, slumber party, sprinkles, study, weather, weight watchers
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July 3rd, 2009
-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.
-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.
-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.
-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”
-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.
-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.
-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.
-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.
-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.
-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.
-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.
-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.
-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.
-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?
-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.
-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.
Tags: accident, advice, blue sky, bobbitt, bushes, car, car accident, celebrity, dances, dogs, environmentalist, ex, fluffly, free bird, gift card, girlfriend, go green, green grass, hokey pokey, karaoke, knievel, lorena bobbitt, mcdonalds, mornings, movie, murders, new york, new york times, no place like home, playboy, playboy mansion, quote, rat, river dance, romantic, schindlers list, snowmobile, squirrel, survey, swimming, trim
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July 2nd, 2009
click ze pictures to humungify
it takes a really special person to come up with a picture like this.
kittens have it rough.
so honest it hurts.
he's the real deal, no doubt!
his day is about to get shitty.
the deadliest of all ninja moves.
the carnage! the sticky, somewhat fruit flavored carnage!
these pictures make me feel like a kid again.
the saddest part is that they can't even cry. is that sad? maybe that's a good thing?.
every cowboy has a sense of humor.
Tags: funny, funny pictures, hilarious, images, pictures, random, Random Pictures
Posted in Random Pictures | 1 Comment »
July 1st, 2009
-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?
-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.
-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.
-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.
-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.
-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.
-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.
-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.
-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!
-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.
-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.
-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.
-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.
-Forever can be something to bleed for.
Tags: 70s, animals, antarctica, ants, comedy, csi, dating, drugs, dyslexic, employers, ending, fast lane, fold, google, hamburger, harmed, history, hotdog, illegal, long distance, movies, nipples, observant, pants, phone, porn, pro tip, relationship, romantic, russians, sex, sixth sense, slow lane, snoring, std, suppositories, sweaters, torture, world war, writing
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June 30th, 2009
Tags: ads, advertisements, adverts, magazines, marketing, pictures, promotions, scans, sex, sexy
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June 29th, 2009
-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.
-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.
-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.
-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.
-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.
-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.
-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.
-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.
-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!
-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.
-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.
-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.
-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.
-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.
Tags: aging, ambition, blender, brush, cannibals, celebrities, circle, color, death, embarrassing, encore, fat, funeral, laziness, lazy, media, movie, older, optimist, perfect world, pessimist, quote, rainbow, relaxing, saw, saying, sex, singing, singing in the shower, state, teeth, torture, trap, unlucky
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