Shimmy, Shimmy, Shake

Posted on by
1

-Out with the old, in with the stupid.

-My weekly routine includes binge drinking and a little bit of crying.

-Wind chimes; one of mankind’s most annoying inventions, second only to alarm clocks.

-Trapped in a box is too easy, I want to see a mime pretend to be trapped in a giant hamster ball.

-I got a tattoo this weekend. It’s a tiny little squiggly on the side of my face. That way people can tell me “Hey, you got something on your face.” and I can rub the opposite side of my head so they have to tell me “No, no, other side.” Then they’ll demonstrate where it’s at and I can just keep rubbing the wrong spot until they get frustrated and lie to me and tell me that I got it and that it’s gone now. Then I can call them a liar. This will show me who my friends really are. Friends don’t let friends walk around with shit on their faces.

-I’m strongly opposed to young people driving while under the influence of terrible music.

-Now I’ve seen everything. This morning I saw a lady on a treadmill wearing fuzzy house slippers. It’s a bold way of saying, “I’m here to get in shape, but I’m still too lazy to tie any laces.”

-”No human thing is of serious importance.” – Plato

-Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalianism is the expression you use to say that a word is really, really long. Should be pretty easy to remember.

-If the bed isn’t squeaking you’re doing it wrong.

-Which would make for a better epitaph; a man mauled by one really huge cat or a man eaten by three dozen regular house cats?

-The best inventions are the ones you don’t appreciate until they’re not around.

-Green is a tricky color. There’s only a few shades difference between forest green and baby puke.

-Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing pictures of those people who put on way too much bronzer and now look like Oompa-Loompas.

-I had a dream that I woke up and went to work. Then, when I really did wake up, I went to work, thus turning my Sunday into the fourth worst day of my entire life.

-And lastly, some advice for the road: hanging out with assholes is a good way to smell like shit.

Misdirection

Posted on by
Reply

-Justice is a delicate pie that is all too often delivered by a poorly trained monkey riding a rocket at full speed through a tornado.

-I’m a man of my word – and my word is boobies.

-Good things come to those who wait. Unless you’re waiting on concert tickets, those just get worse and worse the longer you wait. Well, unless you really want to sit in row ZZ99 situated right behind a giant cement column.

-Honorable mention is kind of a pointless award in an eating contest. You pretty much just went on stage and had a nice meal, nothing particularly honorable about that.

-I’m happy and I know it, I just refuse to clap my hands. Thus, I will not show it.

-I’m sick of these backyard dog relationships. Barking at each other through the fence then when face to face they just sniff each other’s asses and act like everything’s hunky-dory.

-Summer is my favorite time of year. It means I can finally throw a B.B.B.B.B.Q. (bikini, beer, beach, barbeque) party.

-”Isn’t this a magical moment, sweetie?”
“No, a truck full of crystal balls crashing into a glitter factory would be a magical moment. This is pretty fucking mundane.”

-Potted plants make me sad; forced to live their lives with a capped potential. It’d be like living a completely normal life but you’d always have to wear clothes too small for you.

-In every instance of my entire life that I said, “I’ll bring my books and study there.” never have I ever actually studied when I got to where I was going.

-I want to do something really great for society so they erect a statue in my honor. And I want that statue to be a dozen foxy nurses riding on the back of a unicorn that’s stabbing Rosie O’Donnell in the heart with its horn. That’d be one hell of a memorial, I think.

-If you’re the successor to a failure does that just make you neutral or another failure?

-Here’s the average work philosophy: work as little as possible, take credit for as much as you can, and bitch about it all the first chance you get.

-When all of the guns are out on the table, it’s too late to change where your allegiances lie.

To See Like Your Eyes Do

Posted on by
Reply

-I sold my soul to a pawn shop for a fake Rolex watch, a 20″ television, and an old acoustic guitar.

-I must not be American. Fuck baseball, fornication is my favorite pastime.

-If I was in your shoes, my feet would be pretty uncomfortable.

-”You’re about as helpful as a scented candle in a used diaper recycling factory.”

-In Boy Scouts, I think you get a badge for being molested by your Scout Leader and not telling your parents about it.

-This weekend I start filming my new documentary style series. It’s called Grannies Gone Wild, should be pretty awesome.

-Is the Vice President’s wife called the second lady? Or do we stop numbering them after the first? If so, why even bother numbering them in the first place?

-I don’t believe in reincarnating into an animal because I’d like to hope that I won’t come back to this little blue marble as a cow meandering around through life just to be slaughtered and turned into a couple dozen Big Mac burgers. And I don’t believe in reincarnating as an object because I’d like not to come back as a bottle of personal lubricant. I’d rather just die and stay dead thank you very much.

-I’m a failed romantic. I had a really big crush on this girl for the longest time and things were going steady until I hired a tuba player to serenade her late one school night. After that, she wouldn’t return any of my phone calls.

-I like to be different, so I always eat my popsicles from the stick end first.

-What triggers inside the brain that makes you say to yourself “I want to be a monk! I want to wear pajamas all day long and hum to myself all the time.”

-Do not run while holding scissors or while carrying an angry anaconda.

-”Just because you caught me with my pants down doesn’t mean you have to slam my dick in the door.”

-What does the Tooth Fairy do with all of those teeth? Does she use them as bricks to build an enormous castle? Does she melt them down and turn them into fine jewelry? Come on. Why the fuck would anyone want all those teeth? If you’re going to make a fable, at least have the story flushed out to add some plausibility.

-You can’t learn to love until you learn to lose.

April Fools Prank Ideas

Posted on by
Reply

April Fools is tomorrow, and in the spirit of the holiday, here are some pranks to pull on your friends, co-workers, and loved ones. Just be ready for retaliations.

-Put Icy Hot or any similar ointment on toilet seats.

-Change all of the radio station presets on your friend’s car radio.

-Fill the apple juice jug with vinegar.

-Tape magnets to the bottom of an empty coffee cup and attach it to the top of your car. Watch all of the other motorists try to point it out and get your attention as you drive by.

-Set all of the clocks in a friend’s house to different times so they don’t know what time it actually is.

-Rip up your shirt and pour fake blood all over it and then spend the day running around the city zoo yelling that the lions and tigers broke loose.

-Tell your boyfriend that you think you’re pregnant. Make him go buy the pregnancy test, take it into the bathroom and write April Fools on the back of the strip. Come out 15 minutes later, after he’s sat there in deep contemplation.

-Mix up all of the pairs of socks in someone’s sock drawer.

-Put pieces of candy inside the shower head so the next person to use it will be sticky all over.

-Laxatives. Pretty much anything involving these will be a prank worth remembering.

-Move your husband/wife/roommate’s car down the street and tell them you saw a tow truck take it away earlier that morning.

-Find something that your friend holds personally very dear to them, buy something that looks remarkably similar and break it right in front of them.

-Unplug everything in someone’s office; keyboard, mouse, monitor, telephone, pencil sharpener, everything.

-Hide all of the clothes in a roommate’s closet and replace them with a lone clown suit.

-Buy a Build-A-Bear for your lover but record a breakup message on it like “I’m sorry to have to do it this way, but I don’t think we should be together anymore.” pause a few seconds then add the “April Fools!” to the end of it.

Calling Myself Names

Posted on by
1

-Scarecrow: you have to appreciate that name for how honest and literal it is. Now we just need to start calling shoes “foot holders”, umbrellas “rain stoppers”, and condoms “can’t feel a thing might as well be jerking it”.

-You know a music album is really terrible when you download it but yet still feel ripped off.

-When you go to a strip club and your dancer has nipples that taste like cheap beer, it’s a sign that you probably weren’t the first to kiss her nibbly-bibblies. Either that or she has some seriously awesome hygienic mutation.

-Speaking of strip clubs, have you ever noticed that stories about trips to a strip club are a lot like fishing stories? Each time you hear the story told it gets wilder and crazier than the last version you heard. “So there I was, at Heart Stoppers’ Gentlemen’s Club, under one arm I had the head of the robotic dinosaur I had to kill in the parking lot and under the other arm I was carrying the urn filled with my grandmother’s ashes. Guess who came on stage to dance next! …Come on, guess!? Carmen fucking Electra, man! It was a crazy night!”

-Rumors travel around the office almost as fast as Chlamydia. If rumors travelled faster then the office would have known that sleeping with each other on the latest business trip would a great way to get an STD.

-I was talked into having a few drinks by this great tag line “This tequila is so good, it will make love to your mouth.” The part they didn’t tell me was that it wasn’t nearly as loving or as gentle the next morning when it passed through my mouth a second time.

-If I’m ever stranded in the desert, I’ll just call a friend and have them mail me some ice cubes or something. Sounds like a good plan to me.

-I want to start my own delicious pastry business. To stand out though, all of our products will be named depressing names, like Cupcakes of Misery, As Close As You’ll Ever Get To The Feeling of The Real Thing Apple Pie, and Because You Live In Your Mom’s Basement Chocolate Chip Cookies. At check-out, we’ll insult your appearance.

-Pretend you were in some weird knife swallowing accident and your voice box was forever damaged; would you rather have to sound like Darth Vader or have to talk like Elmo from Sesame Street for the rest of your life?

-Well now I’m off to the gym; partially to get in shape, but mostly because I enjoy being surrounded by sweaty, smelly people.

It’s Always Something

Posted on by
Reply

It’s Always Something

-I hope that when robots take over the world I’ll be able to work as a parts lubricator. That job sounds a lot more enjoyable than being liquefied and turned into a biofuel.

-Martha Stewart doesn’t play Rock, Paper, Scissors; she plays Drain Plug, Bath Mat, Shower Curtain.

-If your nanny arrives at your house floating down from the sky on a flying umbrella, either you’re tripping balls or your parents called the magician hotline instead of the babysitter hotline.

-Before I read any book, I go online and read the book’s climax. If it doesn’t grab me, I don’t buy it… I also enjoy looking at their covers. Covers are a really important part of any of the books I read.

-When someone says that something has all of the “bells and whistles” it doesn’t really impress me. I don’t typically want bells or whistles on anything I own.

-I take that last comment back, if there was a procedure to make a woman’s breasts honk when you squeezed them, I might be somewhat interested.

-This Saturday at 8:30pm is Earth Hour. Earth Hour is a program sponsored by the WWF [unfortunately, not the wrestling federation], World Wildlife Fund. This program is asking for everyone to turn off all of their lights for one hour in an effort to save energy and help the environment. Unfortunately, the byproduct of asking everyone to turn off their lights for an hour on a Saturday night is a mass amount of simultaneous reproduction. It’s already been proven in previous incidents of power outages that when the television doesn’t work and computers are turned off, everyone’s favorite pastime is bumping uglies. So we save 60 minutes of electricity and provide the world with an extra million mouths to feed. Good idea, but this won’t save the planet. [More details about Earth Hour here: http://www.earthhour.org]

-I’d like everyone to give the deranged lunatics of the world a big round of applause. If it wasn’t for them, our news channels would be so bland and boring.

-You know a girl is excessively rich when she hires an interior decorator for her private parts.

-Nothing says “I’m a gigantic prick!” like a popped collar.

-I’d watch golf if they only played during thunderstorms and they added landmines to the golf course.

-I haven’t folded socks it almost 8 years now. I’m pretty sure my sock drawer is haunted, so I don’t open it anymore.

Obsolesce

Posted on by
Reply

-Rather than to just do one thing great, I strive to do everything in mediocrity.

-Jeans without back pockets are ugly.

-There’s only one line worse than the post office and that’s the DMV. I’m pretty sure that if I had to wait in both lines in the same day, I’d probably pull all of the hair out of my head and with a little crazy glue I’d fashion it into a beard on one of the teller’s faces.

-A Mexican crossed with an Irishman would create the most comfortable traditional dress. Don’t even try to tell me that a poncho and a kilt would not be the ultimate in comfy guy attire.

-Losing your virginity is a lot like losing your underwear; even if you could get them back, would you really want it?

-A masked man walked into a Miami Burger King yesterday and pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk give him all of the money in the cash register. Little did the crook know, another patron inside the Burger King had a concealed weapon license and shot the robber dead while he was grabbing the cash.

-When a man shaves hair from his body it’s called manscaping; when a girl removes hair from her body it’s called mandatory.

-My 5th grade teacher didn’t like it too well when my science project thesis was “To use the scientific method to determine how big the stick in my teachers ass really is.”

-Cats are flammable. Keep their tales away from scented candles unless you want your house to smell like burning tires in a vat of spoiled eggs.

-Attack Of The 50ft Woman was a great 50′s sci-fi movie, but I don’t think I’d be that scared. I think you’d be lucky to get picked up in her giant moisturized hands and get a closer glimpse at those 50ft tall woman chest muscles… But maybe that’s just me.

-The loudness of a girl’s high heels as she walks is equally proportional to how much of a bitch she is when she reaches her destination. In conclusion, the sweetest girl in the world is the one who wears socks and house slippers everywhere she goes.

-”A man is wealthy in proportion to the things he can do without.” – Epicurus

-You should go buy some Midol, cause you’re cramping my style.

Disneyland Rides That Didn’t Make The Cut

Posted on by
2

-The Middle East: Why Princess Jasmine Can’t Show Her Face In Public And Why Its Okay For Aladdin to Take A Dozen More Wives

-Point and Laugh At the Hunchback of Notre Dame

-Little Mermaids Gone Wild

-Pluto’s House of Knives and Other Sharp Objects

-Wonderland – Alice’s Anti-Drug

-Fun Things to Do With Sleeping Beauty Before You Wake Her Up

-The Euthanization of 101 Dalmatians

-Seven Dwarfs and The Train Ran On Snow White – The Tram Ride

-Recreations of Drunk Driving Accidents and How Speed Kills: Hosted By Lightning McQueen of Cars

-The Incredibles’ Remarkably Less Than Incredible Ride

-Minnie’s Brothel House

-Tarzan’s Loincloth Etiquette

-Where French-Fries Come From: Demonstrated by Mr. and Mrs. Potatohead from Toy Story

-Cinderella’s Ride Through Puberty and How To Lose Your Virginity To A Prince

-The Pocahontas Pass-The-Pipe Experience

-Dumbo’s Stupid Big Ass Ears