Jesus Rode Dinosaurs
July 23rd, 2010
Due to toay's kids having such short attention spans, the bible story has to be taken to the next level.
Just Say When
July 22nd, 2010-The future is as certain as the possibility that I’m not wearing pants.
-I try to always keep a folding chair in the room with me. You just never know when a pro wrestler might stop by.
-Take a real deep breath, look into the mirror and ask yourself “Why the fuck am I talking to myself?”
-I bought a telescope to study the stars but I quickly realized there are much more interesting things just through the window of my neighbor’s house.
-The worst advice is always punctual. The best advice is always 30 minutes late.
-It’s always flattering when someone admits to dreaming about you. It’s nice to know you’ve made enough of an impression that someone’s mind can’t resist but to think of you.
-If you can’t see the forest for the trees then maybe you live in a desert, or perhaps a low-lying grassland region.
-Too often, pretty underwear is covered by ugly jeans. Such a travesty.
-Anytime I receive a package that says “Open Other End” I take it as a personal challenge to successfully open the wrong end. Same thing goes for signs that say “Stay Off Of Grass”. For some reason my feet start to tingle and walking across a green lawn seems to be the only cure.
-After much research it has been determined that the strongest force in the universe is gossip.
-Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
-People who share their religious views with you almost never want to hear your religious views in return.
-Never trust a man wearing two watches.
-Stumbling all over myself and mumbling incoherently; either someone slipped something into my drink or I’m in love. It’s hard to tell sometimes.
-I’ll jump, jump, but I won’t put my hands up in the air, because I actually do kind of care.
-“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” -Hunter S. Thompson
-If you suddenly went deaf and blind at the same time, how could anyone convince you that you are still alive? A hand to their chest to feel their heartbeat?
It’s Called Mainstream Because Of Its Shallowness
May 24th, 2010-I got a lifetime subscription to “MotorBoating” magazine. I was disappointed when I found out it was actually a boating magazine.
-Don’t judge books by their covers. I read the first and last pages and then make up the rest. Reading is for suckers anyway, right?
-An easy way to avoid arguments with the missus about not lifting the toilet seat is to simply use the sink.
-If you can’t stand the heat then I wouldn’t recommend picking the flamethrower or the napalm grenades from the armory.
-Selfishness is turning a “ribbed for her pleasure” condom inside out so you can enjoy it.
-You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. That’s exactly why I avoid social celebrations as often as possible.
-Is it weird that I still make airplanes noises when I’m eating from a spoon?
-Nothing describes someone’s ugliness better than using the expression “freaky deaky”.
-It’s not a man’s commitment issues or his intimacy issues that make him unsuitable for long term relationships; it’s our hormones making us what to sleep with everything issues.
-I like being around people who are listening to music so loud through their headphones that I can actually sing along to the music. I’m sure it freaks them out when a total stranger is singing along perfectly to Billie Jean. I’ll even top if off with a hand-tap-heel-spin-around-crotch-grab-scream move before I moonwalk my way into the next room.
-If there were hot, naked, green women on Mars, we would have been there decades ago.
-I give free mammograms on the weekends. It’s just a hobby right now, but I’ll go pro someday.
