I have to admit, it does look comfy.
There’s A Voice In My Head That Tells Me What To Do
May 15th, 2010-I remember when you had to memorize your friend’s phone number. Those were simpler times. Good times.
-You’re the cream cheese to my bagel.
-Only 7.6 billion more years until the earth will be consumed by the sun. I’m so fucking impatient.
-If I was a magician my catch line after trick would be “Fucking tah-da, motherfuckers!”
-The first trick I would master would be to guess the color of your underwear without you taking off any clothes.
-I have no time for patience.
-I’m surprised there aren’t more songs about blowjobs.
-One of the reasons why NASA hesitates to send a crew to Mars is because of the very high likelihood that one of the astronauts will go insane with “cabin fever” during the three month travel to the red planet. I say you televise it to cover the cost of rocket fuel. Here’s the tagline “Three astronauts enter; only one will leave… Unless of course someone pulls the door latch and they all get sucked out into space.”
-She really has a way with words; especially the words she whispers into my ear.
-“Think outside the box” is great advice unless you are actually trapped inside of a box.
-Before dogs existed on this planet what was doggy-style called? Dino-style? Ameba-style? Single-celled organism-style?
-I’m crazy in love, but I’m still kind of crazy when I’m out of love too.
-I hope you finally get what’s coming to you; and I’m not talking about a serving of delicious apple pie.
Friday The Thirteenth Plus One
May 14th, 2010-It takes me a while to get through tough decisions. Usually, I don’t even decide to put pants on until about 9:30pm.
-Whoever agrees with the saying that “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” has obviously never met any of my ex’s.
-The only thing that separates us from animals is a combination of ditches and wire fencing. At least that’s the case at all of the zoos I’ve ever been to.
-Rearview mirrors were totally invented so you could check your makeup while driving a car. Pretty genius of those automakers, huh?
-If you had to choose one, would you rather always have to sit in traffic when you drive or be in a minor collision every time you go somewhere?
-When I die, I want to be buried in a ball pit at a random Chuck E Cheese. If that last request can’t be met, then I’d like to be cremated in the median of a busy highway during 5 o’clock traffic on a Friday. If this last request also cannot be met, I want to be cremated in private and have my ashes mixed with a bag of confetti and spread across town during a local parade.
-“Talk dirty to me.”
“Crumbs, dust, cobwebs, mud, mold, and asbestos.”
“You’re such an asshole.”
-The truth will set you free, or send you away to prison for a long, long time. Just depends, ya know.
-Fear Factor just needs to bite the bullet and make their contestants eat raw human flesh.
- I couldn’t worship the devil even if I wanted to. There aren’t any virgin females available to sacrifice for miles and miles.
-If actual minesweeping was as fun as Minesweeper is on the computer, I would have signed up for the military a long time ago!
Bikinis Are Too Complicated These Days
May 14th, 2010
Looks like they fell into colorful nets and had to fight their way free.
If It Weren’t For You I’d Be Nothing
May 13th, 2010-I’m searching for jobs online but all I see are openings for Wildlife Scrubbers thanks to BP for the lovely new coat of oil across the Gulf Of Mexico.
-I’ve had the same haircut for as long as I can remember. Lately, every time I see my stylist I get closer and closer to asking for a new doo but I never can quite do it. I’m starting to think it’s going to take a serious head injury or an entire pack of chewed gum to get me to trim my hair differently.
-The most effective way to win an argument is to be the loudest.
-The worst name for a baby girl ever: Andrew.
-If I can’t enjoy a margarita there or if I’m not allowed to wear flip-flops to it then it’s a place I don’t want to be nor will I likely ever go there.
-I see a different woman every night. The trick is to not shake the bushes too much and give away your hiding spot.
-The greatest mistake I ever made was to reflect back on all of the mistakes I’ve ever made to rate them in a hierarchy to discover which singular one I regret most. I regret all of them – that’s what makes them mistakes after all.
-Pop-Up Porn Magazine: This is probably the greatest idea ever thought up and no one is capitalizing on it yet. Sometimes, the world lets me down.
-Before my train of thought can reach its final destination it has to pass through the rolling hills of Bullshit County, then go across the narrow rackety bridges of Tangent Town, and somehow manage to stay on the rails entirely during its trek through the red light district of Man’s Brain Gorge. Be thankful that I can actually even say “Hey, how’s it going?” without devolving into a 30 minute speech about why cleavage should be an appropriate topic for a college term paper.
-I don’t want to set the world on fire; I just want to start a flame in your heart.
