Just When You Thought I Was Dead

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-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.

-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.

-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.

-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.

-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.

-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.

-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.

-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.

-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.

-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.

-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.

-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.

-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.

A Thinking Man’s Thoughts

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-Which skill set do you think would be more beneficial in hand-to-hand combat: knitting or lots of hours playing Gameboy?

-I have yet to write a book review for any class that didn’t include the line: “My favorite part of this book was the cover art.”

-There’s no better way to show your girl how much you care, then to give her a loving mammogram for Valentines.

-Restrooms are used for a lot of things, but rest isn’t usually one of them.

-Fencing is pretty much just silly dancing that gives two rich folks the chance to poke each other with a stick.

-If you wore leopard print pants, a zebra print top, a beaver fur coat, and a hat lined with rabbit fur, you’d be matching and looking fabulous in my book. PETA would fucking hate you though and probably bomb your house while you’re out on the town in your jungle-themed getup.

-The only way I’d join the police force is if they had discounts on the stuff they keep stored in the evidence room.

-If I ever become president of the world, I’m making every Monday, Margarita Monday.

-There needs to be a website like Rate My Professor that keeps track of which hospitals have the best looking nurses because when no American has health insurance anymore, I’d like to know that I’m getting the most for my money.

-Sometimes truth can set you free – other times it will send you straight to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

-You’re riding on a bus and there are only two seats left; one next to you and one next to a man who is partially on fire. You know you’re ugly when a woman wearing lots of hairspray boards the bus and takes her chances with the human torch guy.

-If you can’t say anything nice, please speak louder so we can all bask in your ignorance and stupidity!

-I really, really hope the Spice Girls make a huge comeback in 2010. Now that I’m with my lover and her friends, I just have to know what I need to do next!

-As soon as we can solve the disappearing sock problem we’ll be able to unravel the mysteries of the universe.

Resolutions I Resolute To Actually Bring To Resolution This New Year

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-When nature calls, I resolute to not answer the call in the middle of a public place.

-I resolute to start smoking this year. That way I’ll have something serious to answer when people ask what my resolutions are for 2011.

-I resolute to stop helping old ladies across the street and asking for sexual favors in return.

-I resolute to lose 20 pounds by summer even though I’ll likely find them again before next Christmas.

-In the coming year, I resolute to writing an amazing power metal love ballad.

-For a new year’s resolution, I promise to start quietly shushing people who talk during movies rather than to continue threatening the life of their first born child.

-This New Years, I resolute to be honest and frank about my feelings and to immediately inform someone that they are an idiot as soon as they speak of dumb things.

-I resolute to not giggle when I see a woman eating a banana… Okay, okay, maybe that’s stretching it too far. I resolute not to giggle as much.

-Even though it will never happen because I’m a total loser, I resolute to being more optimistic in the coming year.

-I resolute to sleep with a 10 this year, …or five 2′s.

-Next year, I resolute to doing at least one sit-up every day. And yes, waking up and getting out of bed will count as 1.

-This next one is a multi-year resolution; this year, I resolute to become a famous movie star. The following year, I resolute to be on Dancing With The Stars.

So Awesome It Hurts When I Pee

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-I can’t dance; I don’t even pretend to be okay at it. So, at parties I just tell people I have a basal ganglia problem and they leave me alone about it. Unfortunately, then they spread rumors thinking it’s an STD I have and not a brain disorder.

-I start every social gathering with a lovely chorus of “If You’re Happy And You Know It”. I just add the line “If you’re not happy, then get the fuck out.” It’s a quick way to weed out the depressed people that are sure to start drama once they consume alcohol.

-As you get older, the number of dots needed to make a connect-the-dots puzzle fun gradually increases as your worldly experiences grow and your imagination deteriorates. “It’s a giraffe. Next puzzle…” “It’s the Eifel Tower. Next…” “It’s me stabbing myself in the face with this pencil because this isn’t any fun.”

-I played so much of Assassin’s Creed II that I can speak pretty competent Italian now.

-Not sure if your new love interest is a slut/man-whore? Here’s an easy way to find out: ask them to draw a picture of the opposite sex’s private parts. If they can draw a better picture of your plumbing that you can, you’re probably dating a person who gets around faster than mono at a kissing booth.

-I find it suspicious that British people never sound British when they sing. I think their entire country is faking the accent just to be different.

-To save time with all of my bathroom visits, I finish every meal by eating two sheets of paper towels.

-It’s quite difficult to throw away a garbage can.

-If you run backwards down a flight of stairs fast enough you just might trip and hit your head really hard and forget who you are. That’s not quite like time travel, but it’s pretty close if you really think about it.

-You know it’s Christmas time if even when checking out online, there is a wait time and they’re out of shopping carts.

-I have a great idea! Caffeine is an appetite suppressor and while you sleep your body stores fat, right? I have new diet craze ready to sweet the nation! For fourteen days I’ll drink nothing but coffee and never go to sleep! This is will be great! Come on America lets lose those muffin tops, love handles, and those man-boobs that are starting to resemble actual boobs!

-Never play hide and seek with your Alzheimer grandma. If you can’t find her, she just might stay hidden inside the basement closet until she withers away to dust.

-”Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.”

More Forgiving Than The Waistband On A Pair Of Sweatpants

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-Sometimes it takes a violent zombie attack to really show you what you’re made of.

-I know a movie plot that would please both the men and the women in the audience. It will start off as a typical romantic comedy and then in the third act robots will suddenly show up and kill all of the main characters, the end.

-I don’t give in to peer pressure, I surrender to it.

-There could be a very interesting string of commercials resulting from Smoothie King and Burger King merging. Each one showing their struggle to gain control of a marketing region, spilt ketchup packets and fruit skins littering a battlefield, napkins covering the remains of smashed fries, and battle equipment made from straws and plastic cups.

-Having a romantic moment in the rain can be as simple as being completely naked under your $5 rain poncho.

-”Sneaky as a slug” seems like a completely legitimate expression that ought to exists.

-People who aren’t handicapped that park in handicap parking spaces should be made handicap.

-You can play the air guitar and look kinda cool, you can play air drums and show everyone you have great rhythm, but when you play the air harmonica, everyone will just think you’re mimicking the actions of eating corn on the cob and they’ll just stare at you.

-I’m a third generation paper airplane builder. My father’s father taught him, my father taught me, and I’ll be sure to teach my children the dying art form of constructing paper flying contraptions.

-If you were to give up wearing underwear, you’d have about forty-five minutes of extra free time each year.

-You never see a series of violent finger paintings. I think it’s because once you get the paint all over your hands you can’t help but enjoy yourself as you make a huge mess.

-Someone needs to make a sitcom about an Italian mob family trying to kill Houdini. Every week they find him, chain him up, and throw in lake, yet he escapes every time.

-Does lint go from your pocket to your belly button or from your belly button to your pocket?

-Give a man a fish and he’ll be fed for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will be fed until he slowly dies of mercury poisoning.

-Under-wire bras; I can’t think of any better use of metal wire, can you?

As Serious As An Erection Problem

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Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.

-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.

-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.

-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!

-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador

-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?

-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!

-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.

-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.

-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.

-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.

-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.

-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.

-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.

-Ignorance is not bliss.

Ten Insider Trick-Or-Treating Tips And Strategies

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Here are ten great ways to make the best of gathering delicious sweets from the hands of strangers.

 

goodhousebadhouse

Instant Death vs Instant Delicious

Location, Location, Location: There is a trick to picking your haunts, avoid houses that look like the home of an actual serial killer and skip houses that are so huge they have more than one front door. You’re looking for the middle class residents, the ones in nice homely houses with some festive decorations up. There is a story floating around that the giant mansions in gated communities are giving out king size candy bars and handfuls of money, but that’s just an urban legend spread by the unlucky fools trickin’ and treatin’ in the shitty parts of town on the other side of the railroad tracks.

 

mansion

Good luck getting past the snipers and the trip wire mines.

Plan Your Route: Like any good military strategist you need to have a solid battle plan. Are you going to hit up elderly Miss Robinson’s house before 6pm or risk coming at 7pm and her being passed out after watching Columbo? How is the weather? If it’s raining, your feet better be hitting the pavement. That’s the golden hour of candy fetching. There’s no better time to snag the loot than when the candy-givers think you might be the last trick-or-treater they ever see.

 

costumes

These kids are doing it right. Butterfly pumpkin? Seriously, WTF?

Pick A Cute Costume: By cute, I don’t mean going with some low cut top showing cleavage or going with some tight shorts that show off your moose knuckle [male version of camel toe]. No, no, by cute I mean going with a costume that is adorable, something not store bought, something ragtag, mismatched, homemade, and nearly pathetic. Your goal is to be something iconic, but make them almost feel sorry for you having to wear that getup in public.

 

multimask

Or hell, you could just be every member of Slipknot.

Simple Garbs And Multiple Masks: If you really can’t get the last hint to work in your favor, the next option is to be dubious in how you amass your sweets. The trick here is to wear really simple garbs as the bulk of your costume, like a black robe, a hooded gown, or a black dress. Now here’s the devious part; bring along multiple masks. Go to the door say the magic words ["Trick or treat". "Please" has no place on all hallows' eve.], then head back to the end of the driveway and switch your face then go back to the door. Maybe talk with an accent this time to really seal the deal.

 

candystash

Pictures like these make dentists smile.

Start Early, Double Hit Houses: Time is money, start early. In my area 5pm is about as early as deemed acceptable. Now if you managed to follow the pathetic-homemade-costume rule above, here’s how you can double hit houses: start early before everyone else and then come back to the same houses during rush time. Approach the door with groups of trick-or-treaters you don’t know. If the homeowner calls you out, play dumb: “But mister, it’s dark now, I didn’t realize I had already been down this street.” “I can barely see out of this mask, I thought you were a woman!” You just doubled your candy gathering rate. Congratulations, your dentist will be pleased.

 

treatersonthejob

It's a tough world out there. Hopefully your costume includes two pairs of underwear.

Best Behavior: Be patient, old people move slow. Sure he might only be dropping in one piece of candy that looks like it was made during World War II, but that’s one more piece of candy than you had before. Be polite, compliment their Halloween costume but hope that they really are wearing a mask and that their face isn’t really just that messed up. If they are handing you candy you like, emphasize that that is your favorite candy. Tell them that no one else is giving out that candy tonight and that you’ve been looking forward to sinking your teeth into those sweet morsels all evening. If you aren’t that outgoing then act shy, not too shy though. I mean you’ve got to at least mutter “Trick or treat!” with some gusto, but act shy enough to convince them that this is your first time trick-or-treating. If you’re a teenager, perhaps you should have a back story of how you just immigrated to this country as an excuse of why you haven’t done this before.

 

amateurtortreat

Amateur.

Carrying Your Treasures: Most schmucks will bring a little plastic jack-o-lantern to collect their candy in. Leave that shit to the amateurs – you’re here for business. Bring along one of those iconic orange and black plastic containers, but, and here’s the secret, also bring along a king size pillow case. What you want to do here is every time you go up to a house, put just a handful of candy in your plastic bucket and offer that to the candy-giver and then before you move on to the next house, dump some of the candy into your pillowcase that you’re concealing from the homeowners. Everyone likes to give stuff to the needy, if they see your pillow case, they’ll probably be stingy on you.

 

tricktreaters

The competition.

Filter Out The Crap: Upon transitioning your candy from the plastic bucket to your pillow case, filter out the crap you don’t want. We’re not only focusing on quantity here, our goal is obscene amounts of quality sweets as well.

 

candybowl

Be the jerk and all of this could be yours.

Be A Total Jerk: If someone isn’t home and they leave a note about only taking one piece of candy, be the jerk and take the whole damn bowl. If you don’t do it someone who comes by after you surely will.

 

candy

I can feel your blood-sugar level trembling already.

Stash Your Own Stash: In the days and weeks leading up to Halloween, surely your parents will start to accumulate a few bags of candy to give out to your competitors. Tilt the odds in your favor and every day take a little bit of the candy out of the bowl and stash it away for yourself. It’s a dog eat dog world, well, it’s a dog eat your candy so you eat the dog’s candy first world.

Follow these little tips and you just might have enough candy to last you until next year. If you’re lucky, you won’t become a diabetic by Christmas Eve.

Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

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Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

 

Women’s Costumes

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The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

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If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

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What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

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Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

 

Men’s Costumes

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Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume.  Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

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Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

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figure 3

Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

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Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

 

Couple’s Costumes

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These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

figure 2

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The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!

Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown

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We’ve all heard the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but there are a plethora of other ways to let your significant other know that they aren’t so significant. As with any other tactic or strategy, there is usually a counter maneuver you have to be aware of. I’ll break down your break ups and let you know what to be wary of.

Alright, let’s start breaking hearts.

Option 1: Fake Your Death
Most obvious of your options when it’s time to call it quits, but one of the trickiest moves to pull off successfully. Works great when you are moving, joined the armed forces, have been relocated for your job, or if you two have only dated over the internet.

Doesn’t Work When: You’re dating your next door neighbor, you two share mutual friends who cant keep secrets, or if you are dating someone in the same apartment complex – easily turning your day into the longest elevator ride of your life as you try to explain to them that you are just a ghost… and that even ghosts have to go grocery shopping.

Option 2: Plant Evidence That You’ve Been Cheating
Evidence suggesting you’ve been cheating is a good way to get them to break up with you, saving you the hassle of initiating the conversation and ensuring they will never want to talk to you again. Guys just need to buy a bottle of cheap perfume that smells sweeter than a sugar cube and a bottle of honey having sex. A few spurts on your chest when you’re on your way home is a sure way to make her think you’ve been snuggling with an 18 year old. Girls, all you need to do is splash a little Brut on your inner thighs. Next time you’re in bed together, your soon-to-be ex will quickly wonder what other recently shaved gentleman has been dining as his buffet, if you catch my drift.

Doesn’t Work When: It will work, but if your partner is close to your family and friends it’s likely that they will spread word of your deeds and everyone will think you’re a total asshole for a month or two. Beware of that.

Option 3: Build-A-Break-Up-Bear
By now, everyone is probably familiar with Build-A-Bear stores and their products, but I’ll give you a quick summary. Build-A-Bear is a place to assemble your own teddy bear to give to someone. You pick out its look, its stuffing, its clothes; you even can record a message on it to play when someone squeezes one of the bear’s paws. All you need to do is record your parting message and give it to the one you loathe. Hopefully the sweet thoughtfulness and cuteness of the bear will counter the sour message delivered through the cheap and terribly muffled speaker that’s telling them it’s time to see other people.

Doesn’t Work When: Your less-than-better half is deaf, but works twice as well when your partner has a deep rooted fear of bears – stuffed, or real.

Option 4: Counter Commitment
If your relationship is new, suggest it’s time to get married and have four dozen children together. If your relationship has been long, be sure to let them also know that you see no kids in your future and let them know that you don’t believe in marriage and that you were put on this earth for one thing: having sex – having sex with lots of people.

Doesn’t Work When: They actually share the same views. Rare, but it does happen.

Option 5: Electronic Billboard At The Baseball Game
Let the world know that you aren’t meant for each other, your lover’s feet stink, they’re always late, they’re terrible in bed, and that they whistle when they talk sometimes on the world largest LCD television, the good old JUMBO-TRON 5000! Quick, easy, and only costs about $40 to have your message displayed. Plus, if you went to the sporting event with your friends, it will save you the hassle of having to describe why you two broke up over and over again.

Doesn’t Work When: Your main-squeeze is blind, can’t read, or happens to be in the bathroom when your message is displayed. This one takes some planning, but sure to leave a lasting impression.

You might want to print this out and keep it with you in case of emergencies.

Good luck out there.

In My Opinion, Dinosaurs Still Rule The Earth

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-Which do you think kills more people annually: hula-hoops or flame throwers?

-It’s hard to be a cashier at a pharmacy and legitimately ask people how they’re doing today when they are buying a gallon of Pepto-Bismol, flu relief medicine, cold sore cream, and three different ointments for who knows what!

-When I was younger I thought of the future as bright and happy, everyone zipping around in hover cars, and robots doing all of our daily work. Now when I think of the future, I imagine dolphins swimming in a sea of discarded plastic water bottles, robots taking revenge and ruthlessly killing every human in sight, and no more factories making clean fresh underwear.

-Bad luck is getting stung by a bee while carrying a bouquet of silk flowers.

-Here’s a little known fact: Betty Crocker burnt down he house when she tried to make her first batch of cupcakes with her Easy Bake Oven.

-If you found a $100 bill floating in a dirty toilet bowl in a public restroom, would you fetch it out? If it was $10,000 would you get the bills out with using only your teeth? If so, you’d be eligible to be on my upcoming reality television show, Fear This Big Brother Survivor In The Real World Eat Nasty Things Vs The Wild.

-Sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you feel like a pistachio.

-I want to live in a house with a hedge maze in the front yard. When people come over I’ll know it’s something important since it took them 45 minutes to an hour just to find my front door. After knocking, they’ll be disappointed when I call for them to step inside and they realize I live in a house of mirrors.

-Most people’s biggest concern about space travel is how to astronauts poop in zero gravity.

-Photos are good for reminding you of things you’d like to forget about: exes, deceased loved ones, times that will never be again, things lost over the years. It’s your memories (skewed, perverse, and bias) that keep the pleasant thoughts of your past in a bright light of insurmountable glory.

-If you’re big enough to feed a cannibalistic family of 5, then maybe it’s time to go to the gym a bit more often.

-Emo pick-up line: The depression really brings out the tears in your eyes.

-Quit before your ratings drop and you’re forgotten.