I Can Hardly Contain It

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-Shopping for tampons was the third most embarrassing purchase I’ve ever made.

-I updated my last will and testament today. I requested that for my funeral I be cremated over ten George Foreman Grills and then packaged away inside a Space Bag.

-Einstein was an atheist. If atheism is good enough for that dummy, it’s good enough for me.

-I buy stacks of greeting cards in Spanish and give them to my English speaking friends. They’ll never know if the holidays even match up and I won’t have to spend an hour picking out “the perfect card for the occasion”.

-I’m a fan of horror movies. I love to see the twinkle in someone’s eye as their head rolls across the floor boards of an abandoned cabin.

-When someone requests “I want your honest opinion”, typically whatever follows is usually pretty far from honest.

-Your momma is so fit and intelligent I kinda want to be your stepfather.

-Today’s word of the day is cunnilingus. Repeat after me, cunn-i-ling-us. It’s what a boy does to a girl after she showers and typically only before they get married.

-Is it scadoodle or scadaddle?

-My goal is to put a smile on every person’s face – even if I have to walk around the streets and physically make them smile using my fingers.

-Getting someone a gift card for gasoline is a pleasant way of saying “I didn’t know what to get you, but I’d like for you to go away.”

-Being tall saves me roughly $57.84 annually on ladder purchases and the buying of stepstools.

-I’ve faked my death to avoid going to word twice for the same company.

-You’re not supposed to run with scissors, but skipping is okay.

-Love is a fire. Stomp it out quick before it spreads!

I Double Dog Dare You

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-If I had a pet dragon, I’d host more barbeque parties.

-It’d be really hard to hide the evidence if you were having a romantic affair with a giant Cheeto puff.

-I’m going to get my nipples pierced and then gauged so that way I have a place to hang my keys when I don’t have any pockets.

-Trapper Keeper binders don’t do a very good job of catching cats that stray into your yard.

-A turtle, a sloth and a snail walk into a bar… Nevermind, this joke is going nowhere fast.

-Overly starched britches are the next best thing to wearing a cardboard box as pants.

-I doubt that the expression “silent but deadly” was ever used to describe anything but farts.

-”Hush Puppies” was a slang term for women’s breasts before it became a popular southern food item.

-My junior year, I had a classmate that really was old school – he sat in the back row of the class and carved the end of his pencil with a hunting knife. When he wanted to write with ink he’d have to set up his ink well and quill pen set.

-A good band name would be “Fine Tonal Quality”. Their first album can be called “Fine Music Arranged In A Meaningful Succession”.

-Have you ever felt like your liver is on fire, your kidneys are full of acid and it feels like all of your fingernails are being bent back slowly? Me neither, but it sounds like it would hurt.

-The world economy is so bad that even brothels are making cutbacks. For example, in Germany, many brothels have added an all-you-can-eat type sexual arrangement instead of the customer paying for hourly services. While that method is new, they have had other special offers to help increase business such as discounts for disabled patrons, and 10% if you ride a bicycle or take public transportation to the brothel. [Article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/5922789/Recession-hit-brothels-offer-novel-promotions.html ]

-Picking out condoms and lube together as a couple isn’t romantic, even if it is by candlelight.

-Right now I’m recovering from a serious bubble gum flavored Pepto-Bismol addiction.

-Assume all strangers are assholes. You will be pleasantly surprised to find out that most of them turn out to just be jerks.

Black And White And Read All Over

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-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”

Waging War Against Normalcy

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-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.

-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey

-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.

-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]

-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.

-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.

-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]

-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.

-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.

-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.

-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?

-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.

-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.

Feast On Sympathy

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-Do you think bugs get upset tummies?

-When I get really upset with someone I close my eyes and start taking long deep breaths until A) I blow them off into the sky, or B) until they think I’m going into labor and just go away.

-I don’t think I could ever bring myself to start dating a girl who is living with seven dwarfs.

-I enjoy crossing out days on my calendar so much that I usually cross out four or five days at a time. It sure would suck if I died before I actually made it through all of those days. I’d hate for my ghost to have to come back and perpetually live out those days I marked out but never actually made it through.

-Have you ever sat and thought to yourself “I’d probably have more fun watching an overly in depth documentary on the digestive system than doing what I’m doing right now.”?

-If the enjoyment you extract does not exceed the effort you input then it’s time to move on.

-Intergalactic Douchebag – A person who has surpassed the rank of jerk and asshole but has not yet reached the rank fucker or motherfucker and has previously travelled in space.

-The original ending to Beauty And The Beast was Belle being mauled to death, but Disney figured they should go with something more wholesome, like “Happily ever after…” or some crap.

-I’ve seen chickens do a lot in my day, but never once have I seen one do The Chicken Dance.

-It takes a special kind of person to defecate in public and it takes a special person to have sex in public, but it takes a remarkably special type of person to defecate on someone having sex in public. Thanks to the internet you can all be suckered into watching videos of these “special” people doing what they do best.

-We’re all simple creatures that just want a place for our belongings, hot meals, and the occasional heavy make-out session during a movie.

-There isn’t really much of a difference between a scheme and a plan. A scheme just sounds more cunning, while a plan sounds more official.

-Brunettes are double the trouble but blondes are only half the fun.

-The easiest way to survive a Monday: call in.

Hollowed By Uncertainty

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-I’m pretty sure I could live happily without cotton balls.

-The best part about waking up at 6am is that you don’t have to wake up at 5am.

-”I didn’t hit him. I just gave his face a high-five!”

-Organ donor – A person who is known for having many sexual partners.

-The best times to be non-religious: spring break, summer break, science classes, Halloween, and rock concerts. The worst times to be non-religious: Bar Mitzvahs, Christmas, weddings, funerals, and when playing the lottery.

-Pro Tip: If the humidity is over 100% and you’re surrounded by a dozen naked men, you are either in the Amazon rainforest or a club gym’s sauna room.

-Online dating is great: straight from MySpace to her place.

-Nothing clears your mind like a .45 caliber round through your cranium.

-Every year, nearly a thousand people are burnt by trying to iron their clothes while wearing them. Of those thousand people, one thousand of them are fucking stupid.

-Alcohol makes girls do funny things, like kiss each other… I love alcohol.

-The government doesn’t need to wiretap my phones or monitor by internet activities. They just need to follow me on Twitter. [http://twitter.com/AmznglyMundane]

-I can’t wait until I have kids so I can pass all of my problems, flaws, and shortcomings onto them.

-In some small Midwest towns, the state militias are actually based in the rear parking lot of their local Wal-Mart store.

-Speaking of militias, with the threat of water and oil shortages there has been some far off speculation that war on America’s soil may happen. I just hope no one is dumb enough to try to mobilize through Texas. We have more guns than citizens in some counties.

-Mammo-glamour – A female who has a great bust but otherwise less-than-impressive features.

-Did you know that with a hefty amount of starch you can turn a mop into a broom? Well, now you know. You’re welcome!

-Patience will get you through the day. Patience will keep you waiting.

Papercuts On Fingertips

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-The first step in reaching immortality is not dying.

-Unlike most movies, going on a spiritual journey to find your inner self does not often involve learning cool Kung-Fu moves.

-If we ever do encounter aliens from another planet, my only hope is that they aren’t the kind of aliens that spontaneously burst out of your chest cavity.

-I don’t have any friends with benefits, but I do have several with disadvantages.

-James Bond is the only person that can be attempting to kill a woman and still somehow manage to seduce her into drinks and passionate sex back in his hotel room.

-We used to think of the future as being hovering cars and world peace, now it seems more like worldwide pollution, over population, and nuclear wars. The future isn’t what it used to be.

-Anytime I have a permanent marker and access to several road maps, I make sure to draw a fat X somewhere on every one of them. Everyone enjoys a good treasure hunt.

-The more severe your headache, the more everyone feels the need to talk as if they are in the front row of a Kiss concert trying to verbally explain thermodynamics to a deaf child.

-Time doesn’t heal all wounds; falling into a pit of hungry alligators is a good example of this.

-I bet a goldfish could kill a gorilla. The attack would have to rely heavily on the element of surprise.

-There’s actually a magazine called “Garden And Gun”. It covers, as the name suggests, gardening tips and superior firearms for the average American.

-A man in Virginia was called a nerd over the internet so he got into his car and drove 1,300 miles to Texas to burn down the other guy’s trailer. That’s dedication.

-Having your panties in a wad sounds like the most uncomfortable thing ever.

-When the sky is falling, no abundant amount of funny hats can save you.

-The key to living a good life is to have more credits for good deeds than withdrawals for favors.

Mischief, Mayhem, And Meanderings

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-Being in debt is a good way to really see what you’re worth; knee caps $10,000 each, fingers $1,500 each, legs are about $2,000, and each finger and toenail is about $200.

-”…And for the next contestant of the Talent portion of this year’s Miss America Pageant, Susie May is going to perform long division!”

-First there were no machines. Then, when we called people we really hoped we didn’t have to talk to a machine. Now, when we visit websites, we have to prove that we are not machines.

-There is a special point in life when you realize that the list of things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

-Good news travels fast; bad news is always running about five minutes late.

-It’s impossible to reach Zen with pants on.

-Time is only one person’s side and that’s Time’s.

-British mum and four of her daughters get breast implants. [Article source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/life-style/kids-and-family/2009/07/12/mum-and-four-daughters-spend-40-000-on-nine-boob-ops-115875-21512369/ ] Unfortunately, they’re all blondes.

-Your momma is so fat that if she was a magician she’d have to vanish into fat air.

-”Up shit creek without a paddle” is just a roundabout way of saying the same expression of “It’s time you roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.”

-It’s a good thing that dinosaurs aren’t around anymore. If they were, there’d probably a rights activist group and there would never be another movie about people having to kill rampant dinosaurs in order to escape a freak-show of an amusement park on some tropical island.

-Falling into a vat of cotton candy is a sticky situation I think everyone wants to be in.

-”Filthy rich” is when you’re wearing $200 underwear and $500 jeans and you shit yourself and you don’t care.

-Be an impressive motherfucker, be honest and be yourself.

-The jig is up, the news is out, they’ve finally found me;
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty;
Never more to go astray, this will be the end today.

Running Marathons In Glass Shoes

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-I’m a sponge full of smelly stale water and useless information.

-Every time I’m dreaming, just when it gets to the good part; right when I’m about to save the damsel in distress; the moment I’m about to solve the hangman puzzle; just as I’m about to pour the honey all over my naked body; right when I’m signing the contract on purchasing my first unicorn; my alarm goes off and wakes me up. Life isn’t fair.

-”Did you not just hear what I told you?”
“Sorry, I have my bullshit speech filter turned on. Give me a second… Okay, go ahead, what were you saying?”

-The Caps Lock key should be in all capitals, just to get the message across. The Insert key should be re-labeled to “Fucking hell! Did I push that one useless fucking button again?”

-Have you ever disliked someone so much that when you meet someone with the same name you cringe a little?

-My boss was telling me a story about her college life but I had to interrupt her to ask if her major was deflating hopes and dreams or if she just got a degree in distribution of duties.

-”I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.” – James Buchanan

-Every year, 150 people are killed by exercise equipment. Self-improvement that!

-Another interesting fact I found was that 900 women die annually during cunnilingus.

-Shaking hands with cactus plants and occasionally hugging a porcupine aren’t the only ways to find pricks; most of them are on television now and hold a seat in the government.

-When I grow up, I want to do something prestigious, like be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to eat the most hot dogs in an hour or something.

-Welcome to 191st day of the year. It will likely be just like the previous 190.

-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. So they’re pretty much just like humans.

-Success has enemies.

Pondering, Wondering, And Getting Lost

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-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?

-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.

-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.

-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.

-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.

-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.

-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.

-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.

-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.

-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.

-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.

-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.

-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.

-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.

-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.