Spoilers from the next Twilight movie.
We call this one The Slingshot!
Look out for the turtleneck!
She looks like one of the villains from The Fifth Element.
Must have been texting.
Some things are just better left in the dark.
I dug a hole halfway to China on a par 4 once.
For the record: elephant > lizard.
When he's not sniffing butts he solves crimes and mysteries.
This is almost as cool as my tattoo of Oprah riding on a unicorn.
-When nature calls, I resolute to not answer the call in the middle of a public place.
-I resolute to start smoking this year. That way I’ll have something serious to answer when people ask what my resolutions are for 2011.
-I resolute to stop helping old ladies across the street and asking for sexual favors in return.
-I resolute to lose 20 pounds by summer even though I’ll likely find them again before next Christmas.
-In the coming year, I resolute to writing an amazing power metal love ballad.
-For a new year’s resolution, I promise to start quietly shushing people who talk during movies rather than to continue threatening the life of their first born child.
-This New Years, I resolute to be honest and frank about my feelings and to immediately inform someone that they are an idiot as soon as they speak of dumb things.
-I resolute to not giggle when I see a woman eating a banana… Okay, okay, maybe that’s stretching it too far. I resolute not to giggle as much.
-Even though it will never happen because I’m a total loser, I resolute to being more optimistic in the coming year.
-I resolute to sleep with a 10 this year, …or five 2′s.
-Next year, I resolute to doing at least one sit-up every day. And yes, waking up and getting out of bed will count as 1.
-This next one is a multi-year resolution; this year, I resolute to become a famous movie star. The following year, I resolute to be on Dancing With The Stars.
Hold the chicken noodle, I'd like the Jack Daniels please.
The only class I ever looked forward to and the other time I ever wanted to sit in the front row.
I want him nowhere near my chimney.
Cute factor of 300%!
Wow! They look just like her!
I bought it with my invisible space bucks.
Everyone loves honesty.
The safety word is "sugar cookies".
I've called this cable lady out to my house 8 times now and I don't even have a television.
There is no such thing as a beer that's too big.
I like to picture Jesus as a little 6lb zombie-slaying baby.
Wrestling on ice! Finally!
This is a better version of the snowman melting into a person after eating Campbell's soup commercial.
Like a hot dog is to summer, it's not really winter until you make your first snow sex scene.
Which often leads to the one ring of divorce: murdering.
"You gotta get with the times man."
It kinda looks like the monster with the tentacle beard in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I say we eat the dumb fucks and do the world a favor.
Even though they're checking out the girl, two guys on one bike still looks homosexual.
This is either a creative portrait or the results of a really fucked up crime scene investigator.
-Sometimes it takes a violent zombie attack to really show you what you’re made of.
-I know a movie plot that would please both the men and the women in the audience. It will start off as a typical romantic comedy and then in the third act robots will suddenly show up and kill all of the main characters, the end.
-I don’t give in to peer pressure, I surrender to it.
-There could be a very interesting string of commercials resulting from Smoothie King and Burger King merging. Each one showing their struggle to gain control of a marketing region, spilt ketchup packets and fruit skins littering a battlefield, napkins covering the remains of smashed fries, and battle equipment made from straws and plastic cups.
-Having a romantic moment in the rain can be as simple as being completely naked under your $5 rain poncho.
-”Sneaky as a slug” seems like a completely legitimate expression that ought to exists.
-People who aren’t handicapped that park in handicap parking spaces should be made handicap.
-You can play the air guitar and look kinda cool, you can play air drums and show everyone you have great rhythm, but when you play the air harmonica, everyone will just think you’re mimicking the actions of eating corn on the cob and they’ll just stare at you.
-I’m a third generation paper airplane builder. My father’s father taught him, my father taught me, and I’ll be sure to teach my children the dying art form of constructing paper flying contraptions.
-If you were to give up wearing underwear, you’d have about forty-five minutes of extra free time each year.
-You never see a series of violent finger paintings. I think it’s because once you get the paint all over your hands you can’t help but enjoy yourself as you make a huge mess.
-Someone needs to make a sitcom about an Italian mob family trying to kill Houdini. Every week they find him, chain him up, and throw in lake, yet he escapes every time.
-Does lint go from your pocket to your belly button or from your belly button to your pocket?
-Give a man a fish and he’ll be fed for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will be fed until he slowly dies of mercury poisoning.
-Under-wire bras; I can’t think of any better use of metal wire, can you?
Just as annoying as the movies and the usual fans... Just hotter. Call me.
If a Nintendo Wii isn't on your girlfriends Christmas list, add it.
Google is the ultimate relationship counselor.
Quit playing with yourself.
Time to bring out the big guns and finally show those pesky kids next door who's boss.
Mmmmm, smokey soup and warm creamy taoacco.
Bullies are everywhere.
He shoots! He scores!
The coolest kickflip ever performed, ever.
Now you can say "Happy Birthday!" and give them your condolences on their dead pet in just one card! Perfect for this recession economy.
Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.
-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.
-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.
-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!
-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador
-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?
-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!
-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.
-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.
-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.
-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.
-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.
-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.
-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.
-Ignorance is not bliss.
If Barbie had wings.
When you ladies need some extra "support" ...and I'm not around, of course.
This is a replica of David, not Ken.
I want to use them to hang my pirate hat.
Just another day at the office.
Signs that it's time for a vacation.
"Good Game" - it's not just for men anymore.
Easy mode - On.
Winter has arrived, good luck.
A scene from the reimagining of Stallone's Cliffhanger featuring hampsters. Voiced by Tim Allen and Tom Hanks.
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