I Told You So

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-I’m filled with so much passion and desire that sometimes it feels like I’m actually on fire.

-The world needs more sprinkle toppings.

-Running into a bathroom and yelling “I’m going to blow this place up” is not the same as running into a post office and yelling the same thing.

-If you’re going to verbally dig yourself a hole, you might as well dig yourself an eloquent one.

-Your importance is justified by how many birthday cakes you have for one single birthday. This year I got two. I’m pretty sure that makes me second in importance only to the President.

-When you work a dead-end retail job, a girl coming into the store wearing a damp bikini is your holy grail.

-They should just give the weather forecasts as a percentage chance to hear someone else bitch about the weather. “There’s a 35% chance you’ll run into someone that’ll claim that its ‘hot as hell outside.’ With a slight chance of ‘we really need the rain.’”

-Kung Fudge – the art of eating sweet delights without anyone else finding out and/or possibly asking you for a piece.

-Wearing headphones in public is useful for two things: it lets the wearer drown out all of the stupid people around them and, for the non-headphone wearers, it identifies who all of the self-important pricks are.

-Holding a pie-eating contest is not a sound way to pick your future wife.

-All television shows should have a mandatory big dance number in every episode.

-Disney World, happiest place on earth? Not this week. A monorail crash early Sunday morning killed one of the train operators. Sixteen people have died in the park since 1989.

-I’m a new weight watchers diet. I get a part time job at a fast food joint and I watch all the customers get fatter.

-You know you’re popular in prison when you get an invitation to the Cell Block B annual slumber party.

-Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick after all.

Uix Mt Ip

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-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

Go Funk Yourself

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-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.

-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.

-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.

-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.

-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.

-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.

-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.

-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.

-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!

-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.

-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.

-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.

-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.

-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.

Nonsense Poopy Pants

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-I really hate to spoil things, but I was kinda of lost at the end of Transformers 2 when they all fell into the volcano and somehow traveled back in time to fight dinosaurs. I’m not sure how that was relevant to the storyline, but the effects were amazing!

-There is no polite way to ask someone to remove their head from their own ass. The closest I’ve got was “Would you kindly remove your cranium from your rectum, please.”

-I’m glad I don’t have any of those tacky MySpace friends that post those glittery graphics for totally random occasions.

-The world needs less glitter anyway. Glitter is just a half ass way to make something that’s shit look a little less shitty.

-You’re more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark… unless you’re a seal. If you’re a seal you can pretty much remove the lightning part from the equation.

-While we’re over here trying to figure out the future of our healthcare system and saving countless businesses from bankruptcy, over in Sweden they are voting on allowing women to bathe topless at any location, private or public. Lucky for them, it was a success! Swedish women can now let it all hang out with the men. If I lived there, the first thing I’d do would be to throw a pool party in celebration!

-The expression “whisper sweet nothings in their ear” doesn’t mean to actually whisper “sweet nothings”.

-$5,000 dollars could buy a pretty decent sent of fake boobs for your girl [or yourself] or you could spend them on 8,745 glow sticks. Life is all about choices and this is one of the tough ones, I promise.

-Don’t get into a fight in a lobby because you can’t slam a revolving door shut on your way out.

-My last birthday wish was for people to celebrate my birthday everyday from now on. Needless to say that wish didn’t come true, but neither did my other wishes for Angelina Jolie to pop out of my birthday cake. I’m losing hope quickly here and I’m almost certain that wishes do not come true at all.

-In the words of the great Lynyrd Skynyrd “You can’t always trust your woman, you can’t always trust your best friend. Beware of the ones you need, they might be the ones who do you in.”

-Irony is bleeding to death from a paper cut you got from the edge of a Get Well Soon card.

We’re All Unique Individuals

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-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.

-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.

-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.

-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.

-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.

-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.

-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]

-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!

-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.

-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.

-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]

-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.

Protest The Way We Are Passive Today

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-I have to renew my license at the DMV today. Honestly, I’d rather knit turtleneck sweaters for a heard of giraffe.

-There needs to be a game show that drops contestants through trap doors in the floor when they get a question wrong. This show should also never reveal where the trap doors lead to. Everyone likes a good mystery.

-I’ve decided to take up smoking just so I have a reason to complain about the government some more.

-I know this has to have happened to someone else out there, but have you ever been scoping someone out from a distance and you think to yourself “Wow, they’re pretty hot.”, then as they get closer you realize it’s someone you know and you feel pretty embarrassed?

-Nothing says “I care about my body” like ordering extra chili fries with a large Diet Coke.

-If you’re ever about to pushed off a ledge to your death, try this one on your assailant: “I’m rubber, you’re glue, push me off this cliff and I’m just going to bounce back up here and hit you.”

-Pro Tip: If you got two humps and it cost you $100, you’re not a camel, you’re a John.

-Stealing underwear is the only true crime of passion.

-A lady eating an ice cream cone on a hot day is as equally magical as seeing a unicorn prance under a rainbow in a field of exotic flowers… on a Thursday.

-I hunt for jobs with a butterfly net and a bazooka.

-In my older age now, I’ve come to realize that I’m about as lucky as a man breaking mirrors under a ladder with a black cat on my head on Friday the thirteenth.

-I’ve never fought a bear before, but one time I did fight a man dressed in a bear suit.

-Here’s some new slang for you hipsters. Grinder – [in reference to a meat grinder] an individual aggressively seeking companionship to the extent that they treat the opposite sex like a simple piece of meat.

-Without gravity there would be no such thing as jugglers and the world be a little bit sadder of a place.

-I fucking hate Mondays.

Until The Bitter End

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-Prostitutes don’t give a fuck – they sell fucks.

-Foosball is a tasteful blend of soccer and shish kabobs.

-There are probably nude pictures of Rosie O’Donnell on the internet somewhere, but no one dares search for them.

-There is no greater reason than the generic mother’s response of “Because I said so.”

-When I’m bored on a rainy afternoon I head to the local museum and I name the untitled pieces.

-Over the past few years, religious allocation has been on a steady decline. You know that times are tough when even invisible people in the sky granting wishes aren’t doing well on public opinion polls.

-To my knowledge, the quickest way to lose 5-10 pounds is still to get an amputation.

-I’d never wish harm upon anyone, but there are a few I’d like to see struggle through some difficulty.

-There are times in life when you have to become your inner monster in order to cope with reality. Unfortunately for me, my inner monster is Barbara Streisand. So a few times a year I sing show tunes and reenact scenes from Hello Dolly.

-Pro Tip: If you fall asleep while masturbating, it should be pretty obvious that you’re terrible in bed.

-If you’re looking for a stable economic position in your love life let me give you this advice; you can date the supermodel but it’d be wise to marry an accountant.

-Count the number of letters in all of your friend’s names and then be sure to stay the hell away from the ones with thirteen letters. Why? Well, the serial killers Jack The Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy, Albert de Salvo, Harvey Glatman, Herman Mudgett, Herbert Mullin, Daniel Rolling, Lucian Staniak, Peter Sutcliffe, and Wayne Williams all have 13 letters in their names.

-If you want to be heard, sometimes you just literally have to scream about something.

-I do not possess great responsibility. If I had a great power like x-ray vision I most certainly would use it for inappropriate purposes for at least the first week or so.

-If you find yourself naked in a strange room with your hands tied and your mouth covered by tape either you better know the safety word or else you better hope your family pays the ransom.

Obviously We Were Different Then

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-If I was like a cat and knew I had nine lives, I’d probably spend eight of them as a total floozy.

-With divorce as common as it is, I’m surprised there isn’t a Stepfather’s Day.

-No matter how you slice it, that one prick will always grab the piece of pizza that you were eyeing as soon as the lid was opened.

-The people who thought that steam engines would kill off the use of sailboats are probably the same ones who thought K-Mart was just as good as Wal-Mart.

-Do you think more people make plans to vacation in the Middle East or plan to vacation in Wyoming?

-”A woman is closest to being naked when she is well dressed. ” – Coco Chanel

-If it wasn’t for Mickey Mouse I don’t think people would have horrid fears about giant mice living in their houses.

-I can’t wait until I have my own house. I’ll put up my Christmas lights once and then just leave them up until they all burn out, and then I’ll just put another strand over the old ones.

-Prisoner 1: “I’m in here for double homicide. A man cut me off on the highway so I followed him home and killed him and his dog. What are you in for?”
Prisoner 2: “I got caught sharing torrent copies of Free Willy 2 on the Pirate Bay.”

-If there is a way to weasel out of something, then you better believe that weaseling out is going to be Plan A and anything else will only be a backup strategy.

-I was watching CNN last night and after a recent “national” survey they discovered that 29% of college kids binge-drink. Apparently, they really just polled one Mormon school in Iowa, because 29% sounds pretty damn low if you ask me.

-Thanks to games like Rock Band and Guitar Hero, arguments like “My fake band is better than yours!” can happen.

-If you had to be one, would you rather be a loser, a sellout, or a poseur? I think I’d be a sellout. At least a sell out is usually somewhat successful.

-No one wants to be second – that goes for everything from marathons to gangbangs.

-Pro Tip: If the sock puppet isn’t talking, then it’s probably just filled with a regular foot and not with a hand making whimsical gestures.