Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples
October 13th, 2009Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.
Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.
Women’s Costumes
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The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.
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If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.
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What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.
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Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.
Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.
Men’s Costumes
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Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.
You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume. Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].
You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.
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Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.
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Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.
Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.
Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”
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Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.
Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].
Couple’s Costumes
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These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!
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The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.
… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.
That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!
Random Pictures 8/14
August 14th, 2009
Just another one of those days.
Should have played checkers.
Even if the ball was a giant breast, this would still hurt in the morning.
It takes grace to properly slip n' slide.
Saturn is such a douche.
I thought it was Nicolas Cage at first.
He will predict your future and your past at the same time!
I like that this person even you used gate hinges. Awesome.
Ex girlfriends... Man, they're crazy.
The best defacing I've ever seen.
Random Pictures 8/13
August 13th, 2009
A cute stuffed animal for any deserving child.
This is what you call "the stink eye".
That statue has probably seen more finger-bang action than the man it's modeled after actually did.
Knee boo-boos suck.
With hair that awesome you have to trust him!
That's a brave cat.
Can you tell which one of these isn't cast from bronze and iron?
Busted!
It was the right thing to do. She won't rust in the rain and the bike wont try to hog all of the blankets.
This artist left out the fighter planes that the dinosaurs flew, but other than that it's an accurate portrayal.
Random Pictures 8/12
August 12th, 2009Click the images to enlarge them. Double click them to go back in time. Triple click them to enrage them and gain +10 stamina.
"Stupid Lois Lane. What a cock-tease that trick is."
This is a picture of two swimmers shitting their trunks.
One of these is not like the others.
A picture is worth a thousand words: one of them is definitely "Ooooooh!"
The world is a better place now that these exist.
This is how I want to go out. Plus, I'll be able to prop the lid open on my coffin. I'm all about being helpful.
It was all fun and games until someone ripped him in half just to see how he looked in a different pair of pants.
Slightly less sinister...
Let's see your Mac Book do this! Hah!
I like to imagine that she is getting into the car and that she drives while in a hand-stand position.
Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown
August 11th, 2009We’ve all heard the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but there are a plethora of other ways to let your significant other know that they aren’t so significant. As with any other tactic or strategy, there is usually a counter maneuver you have to be aware of. I’ll break down your break ups and let you know what to be wary of.
Alright, let’s start breaking hearts.
Option 1: Fake Your Death
Most obvious of your options when it’s time to call it quits, but one of the trickiest moves to pull off successfully. Works great when you are moving, joined the armed forces, have been relocated for your job, or if you two have only dated over the internet.
Doesn’t Work When: You’re dating your next door neighbor, you two share mutual friends who cant keep secrets, or if you are dating someone in the same apartment complex – easily turning your day into the longest elevator ride of your life as you try to explain to them that you are just a ghost… and that even ghosts have to go grocery shopping.
Option 2: Plant Evidence That You’ve Been Cheating
Evidence suggesting you’ve been cheating is a good way to get them to break up with you, saving you the hassle of initiating the conversation and ensuring they will never want to talk to you again. Guys just need to buy a bottle of cheap perfume that smells sweeter than a sugar cube and a bottle of honey having sex. A few spurts on your chest when you’re on your way home is a sure way to make her think you’ve been snuggling with an 18 year old. Girls, all you need to do is splash a little Brut on your inner thighs. Next time you’re in bed together, your soon-to-be ex will quickly wonder what other recently shaved gentleman has been dining as his buffet, if you catch my drift.
Doesn’t Work When: It will work, but if your partner is close to your family and friends it’s likely that they will spread word of your deeds and everyone will think you’re a total asshole for a month or two. Beware of that.
Option 3: Build-A-Break-Up-Bear
By now, everyone is probably familiar with Build-A-Bear stores and their products, but I’ll give you a quick summary. Build-A-Bear is a place to assemble your own teddy bear to give to someone. You pick out its look, its stuffing, its clothes; you even can record a message on it to play when someone squeezes one of the bear’s paws. All you need to do is record your parting message and give it to the one you loathe. Hopefully the sweet thoughtfulness and cuteness of the bear will counter the sour message delivered through the cheap and terribly muffled speaker that’s telling them it’s time to see other people.
Doesn’t Work When: Your less-than-better half is deaf, but works twice as well when your partner has a deep rooted fear of bears – stuffed, or real.
Option 4: Counter Commitment
If your relationship is new, suggest it’s time to get married and have four dozen children together. If your relationship has been long, be sure to let them also know that you see no kids in your future and let them know that you don’t believe in marriage and that you were put on this earth for one thing: having sex – having sex with lots of people.
Doesn’t Work When: They actually share the same views. Rare, but it does happen.
Option 5: Electronic Billboard At The Baseball Game
Let the world know that you aren’t meant for each other, your lover’s feet stink, they’re always late, they’re terrible in bed, and that they whistle when they talk sometimes on the world largest LCD television, the good old JUMBO-TRON 5000! Quick, easy, and only costs about $40 to have your message displayed. Plus, if you went to the sporting event with your friends, it will save you the hassle of having to describe why you two broke up over and over again.
Doesn’t Work When: Your main-squeeze is blind, can’t read, or happens to be in the bathroom when your message is displayed. This one takes some planning, but sure to leave a lasting impression.
You might want to print this out and keep it with you in case of emergencies.
Good luck out there.
In My Opinion, Dinosaurs Still Rule The Earth
August 10th, 2009-Which do you think kills more people annually: hula-hoops or flame throwers?
-It’s hard to be a cashier at a pharmacy and legitimately ask people how they’re doing today when they are buying a gallon of Pepto-Bismol, flu relief medicine, cold sore cream, and three different ointments for who knows what!
-When I was younger I thought of the future as bright and happy, everyone zipping around in hover cars, and robots doing all of our daily work. Now when I think of the future, I imagine dolphins swimming in a sea of discarded plastic water bottles, robots taking revenge and ruthlessly killing every human in sight, and no more factories making clean fresh underwear.
-Bad luck is getting stung by a bee while carrying a bouquet of silk flowers.
-Here’s a little known fact: Betty Crocker burnt down he house when she tried to make her first batch of cupcakes with her Easy Bake Oven.
-If you found a $100 bill floating in a dirty toilet bowl in a public restroom, would you fetch it out? If it was $10,000 would you get the bills out with using only your teeth? If so, you’d be eligible to be on my upcoming reality television show, Fear This Big Brother Survivor In The Real World Eat Nasty Things Vs The Wild.
-Sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you feel like a pistachio.
-I want to live in a house with a hedge maze in the front yard. When people come over I’ll know it’s something important since it took them 45 minutes to an hour just to find my front door. After knocking, they’ll be disappointed when I call for them to step inside and they realize I live in a house of mirrors.
-Most people’s biggest concern about space travel is how to astronauts poop in zero gravity.
-Photos are good for reminding you of things you’d like to forget about: exes, deceased loved ones, times that will never be again, things lost over the years. It’s your memories (skewed, perverse, and bias) that keep the pleasant thoughts of your past in a bright light of insurmountable glory.
-If you’re big enough to feed a cannibalistic family of 5, then maybe it’s time to go to the gym a bit more often.
-Emo pick-up line: The depression really brings out the tears in your eyes.
-Quit before your ratings drop and you’re forgotten.