Douchebaggery – The “Am I Total Douche” Hand Guide

Posted on June 16, 2009 by admin

Here’s a little list to determine if you qualify to be a gigantic douche. Pictures and examples included.

Before we get knee deep in vinegar though, we need to get the basic facts out of the way first. The generally accepted definition of a “douchebag” is someone who posses a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance, who engages in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

-Being a douchebag is like any other fun disease in the fact that it’s contagious.

Example 1 - Douche Group

-Like many other plagues on today’s culture, being a douchebag is a fad. It’s a trend that will eventually go the way of the dodo and the rest of the world will let out a big sigh of relief. Because, there for a moment, adults feared that the future of our species would be a collection of abundant hair gel products and fake tanning bronzer.

-Some people have made a living off being a douchebag. Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are two great examples.

Example 2 - Famous Douche

-That’s right; you don’t have to be a guy to be a douchebag anymore. Like I said, it’s contagious.

-Although the term “douchebag” is used pretty much exclusively in the United States, thanks to modern amenities like television and the glorious internet, douchebaggery is spreading across the globe. Here are some Swedish d-bags:

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

-This brings me to another common practice of these Oompa Loompas: pointing in random directions during photographs. It’s as if they are actually telling us “Don’t take a picture of me; there is actually someone of depth and integrity over there to the left.”

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

-Even disagreeing with them as much as I do, the fact is, douchebags do get the ladies attention. Take this lucky douche for example:

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

-Maybe the girls like them because they both use the same Maybelline products or maybe it’s because these vinegar bags spend more time at the mall than the girls do. Who knows.

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

-Like all trends though, it’s not for everyone, and not all girls are fans of douchebags [luckily].

Example 7 - Busted Douche

-I’ll be counting down the days until this trend fades out of existence. Until then however, don’t be a complete tool.

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

Little Things In Big Packages

Posted on June 15, 2009 by admin

-Sex is like any other physically laborious activity; it’s better if you put your back into it.

-Reading the back of packaging is always a source for some interesting facts. Take for example sunblock; one ingredient you’ll find in all of the top dollar stuff is hippo sweat. That’s right, hippo sweat. After some internet browsing I also figured out that it makes for a decent insect repellant as well.

-If you’re tickling a gorilla, then you’re definitely looking for trouble.

-The first public anti-smoking campaign was launched by the Nazis, and it’s been going great ever since.

-If you repeatedly dial the wrong number more than three times in a single hour, then, congratulations, you’re eligible for execution behind the tool shed! It sucks having a cell phone number that’s only a digit off from a Chinese restaurant telephone number.

-It was once commonly believed that having alcohol in your bloodstream made it likely for you to suddenly burst into flames and be burnt alive. If that was true, I would have turned into a running, screaming, Tiki torch a long time ago.

-It’s a good thing that there isn’t a naming system for children like there is for most online services. Sure would suck to be XxBillxX2285 or D1xiCutie2010.

-The true story about the Ugly Duckling got cut short. After he grew up into a swan [which is kind of magical since he was born as a fucking duck, but whatever] he started drinking heavily and doing lots of blow, started sleeping with loose female birds, even hens I hear, and was finally did in by being struck by a golf ball at a local golf course. He’s said to be buried just off the putting green on hole number eight.

-If your marriage has lasted longer than the wedding cake, then you’re off to a good start. Don’t mess it up now.

-If someone mentions to you that love comes in all shapes in sizes then they’re just trying to hint that maybe you should try to date heftier people… or midgets.

-Most people stop collecting and displaying stuffed animals once they discover that they can be posed in amusing and awkward sexual positions.

-If you’re in a relationship, no question will proceed more fights and arguments than “Where have you been?”

-”You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” – Walter C. Hagen

-I sure could go for a snow cone right about now.

Super Obnoxious

Posted on June 12, 2009 by admin

-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

Scratching That Itch

Posted on June 10, 2009 by admin

-Would you have any qualms about going on a boat adventure with a man named Gilligan on board?

-If you hang out with a guy that grabs his crotch and screams but isn’t Michael Jackson, then it’s time you start looking for some new friends.

-”I don’t fear death. I had been dead for billions of years before I was born, and had suffered not the slightest inconvenience from it.” – Mark Twain

-Before I die, I want to see a movie that features a scene of someone being beheaded while in zero gravity.

-Water is the ultimate conformist.

-Bambi 2 should have been about Bambi’s mother and father coming back as zombie deer that start to take over the world. At least, that’s the story arch I wanted to explore.

-Brass instruments – spitting into a mangled copper can never sounded so good!

-And you think you get pissed when you get caught in the rain, imagine being the Tin Man from The Wizard Of Oz.

-If you give her an inch and she screams like it’s a mile, then you’re probably sleeping with a porn star.

-I remember the early 90′s. I used to always buy my shirts two sizes too big, that way they’d match my parachute pants. Those were the days.

-The meaning of life: http://tinyurl.com/mabg7w

-On slow weekends, I go to a Jenny Craig center and throw a Big Mac on the floor and watch all the employees and visitors fight to the death over it.

-Pro Tip: Steal from the source. Don’t rob the cookie jar, find the stash of cookie packages and take your bounty from there.

-Two hands are the best cure for breast ptosis.

-It’s about time I hit the beach. I’m about as tan as an albino white hare in a snowstorm.

-”I’ll give you two options, either love me or leave me alone, that’s it.”

Tough Questions, Easy Answers

Posted on June 9, 2009 by admin

There are so many religions in the world today, which one of them is correct?

None of them.

With all of these great releases heading our way, which movie is going to be the biggest this summer?

They’re all going to be pretty much the same size seeing as how they are all played on the same size screens.

My girlfriend smells kind of bad downstairs, how can I tell her without making her upset?

Barf on it and hope that she gets the hint.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

If a woodchuck wanted to chuck wood, and it is a healthy woodchuck in question, then a wood chuck can chuck approximately 361.9237 cubic centimeters of wood each day.

What’s the best line to use in order to pick someone up at a bar?

“Are those pants from outer space? Because your ass is out of this world.” If that doesn’t get them hook, line and sinker, then it just wasn’t meant to be.

What’s the best way to pass time when you’re bored?

Kill zombies. No one needs more killin’ than zombies.

What’s the best way to save money in these harsh economic times?

Put all of your money in a shoe box and bury it somewhere then let someone hit you in the head with a bat until you forget where you put it.

So Happy It Hurts

Posted on June 8, 2009 by admin

-People will never live on the moon because then they couldn’t have a pool in their backyard.

-Even if I fell into a vat of radioactive ooze, with my luck, I’d probably come out with lame superhuman powers like the ability to talk to fruits and vegetables or the uncanny ability to seduce hats.

-I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older the number of embarrassing caught-with-my-fly-down incidents have steadily decreased.

-Layaway – new slang for someone you keep in touch with for sexual favors but otherwise have a very limited relationship with.

-Whistling at ladies who pass by is so last century, it’s time to advance as a culture and just moan suggestively at them instead.

-I entered a pretty interesting debate over whether man invented the wheel first or discovered fire first. I was eager to throw in my two cents and let them both know that man’s first great invention was the nudie magazine.

-I have a great tolerance for dealing with angry people. It’s a lost art that comes to fruition when working with the general public.

-Nothing says you care like a $4 greeting card generated by a computer and underpaid graphic designers who possibly can’t even read the language that the card is printed in. It’s straight from the heart, let me tell you.

-It would have been really easy to be a medicine man back in the times of tribes. “Eat this pinecone and call me in the morning.” Basically your whole profession is just getting people to eat random things and then see what happens to them afterward.

-You can have a kid and you can adopt a kid, but why can’t you rent a kid?

-Some people just need to be violently beaten by the grammar police.

-I dated a blonde once, but she went out of style faster than a pair of “skorts”; you know, those skirt-fronted shorts that girls fashioned in the late 90s.

-The expression “15 minutes of fame” is actually a gross exaggeration and your moment of fame really only lasts for a good 5-10 seconds.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

Posted on June 5, 2009 by admin

-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205 or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

Confessions Of Two Busy Hands

Posted on June 3, 2009 by admin

-I’ve only been wrong twice. Both instances were the biggest mistakes of my life.

-Heartburn sounds painful, but not nearly as painful as testicle-burn.

-Everyone collects stamps; I collect envelopes.

-”I enjoy your company as much as I enjoy bleeding from the head.” Gotta love the grandparents.

-I don’t help children. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any child crying in the corner is only there to lure me closer so he can slit my throat with a garden sheers.

-If I can go my entire life without being stabbed in the face by an olive fork, then I’d consider my life to be an accomplishment.

-The best way to get the opposite sex’s attention is to simply ignore them. Everyone enjoys attention. When he/she comes around then you can be yourself, make them laugh, and totally swoon them with your sweet Chewbacca tattoo, or showoff whatever shiny things you have to offer.

-I really hope that right now someone is out there making a new Christmas carol for this year. The old ones are getting pretty lame.

-Life is the last gift you’ll receive with no strings attached.

-It’s important to have friends because there are a lot of things you can’t do by yourself, like have an orgy.

-A creative block is like constipation of the mind. Unfortunately, they don’t make laxatives for it.

-If your butt isn’t numb, then you’re not meditating correctly.

-Video of the 2009 Pole Dancing Championship, you’re welcome. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBWNaJdzovI ]

-I’m signing up for yoga classes, but it has nothing to do with fitness. I’m just into foxy moms that can put their legs behind their head and enjoy passing the time by bouncing up and down on giant rubber balls.

-This is one of those days when I feel like I’m a candle burning at three different ends.

That White Picket Fence

Posted on June 1, 2009 by admin

-There’s nothing more dangerous that a girl with legs who knows how to use them.

-Your flirty love letter could quickly become mistaken for a death threat with just a few punctuation errors. For example, “Drop dead gorgeous.” and “Drop dead, gorgeous.” Always proof read.

-”No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.” – Alfred Smith

-My only hope is that after a few more years of global warming, we’ll be able to get two summer breaks every year.

-When you get older tell them not to worry, it’s not a bald spot, it’s just a solar panel for a sex machine.

-I ordered a mail order bride, but it looked like the UPS guy dropped the package a few times, so I had to return her.

-No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a good storyteller. That’s why every time you tattle you should always embellish and elaborate well beyond the bounds of reality.

-People continue to validate my inherent mistrust of strangers.

-If you went to a very believable fortuneteller and she told you that you would die while making love, would you abstain from sex? I’d just go with it; I don’t think there’s a better way to die.

-I am declaring a war on all polyester/cotton blends.

-I hate grammar with a passionate.

-The problem with faking your death is that you can only do it once, so you have to make sure that the problems and predicaments you are in will surely be resolved when your bus full of poisonous snakes and large amounts of fireworks “suddenly” explodes.

-Leopard print -anything- isn’t sexy.

-If a fifth of Scotch doesn’t solve your problems, try another fifth.

-There are night owls, early birds, and then there’s me. I’m more of a mid-day duckling.

-I enjoy judging others as much as I enjoy being judged, which is a way to say I hate them both.

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

Posted on May 29, 2009 by admin

-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.