Schnozberries

Posted on May 27, 2009 by admin

-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.

-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.

-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.

-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.

-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”

-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.

-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.

-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.

-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.

-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.

-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.

-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.

-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.

-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.

From Bad To Worse

Posted on May 26, 2009 by admin

Bad: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while on a construction site.
Worse: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while in a port-o-potty.

Bad: Getting lost in the woods and having to eventually eat your friend in order to survive.
Worse: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by your friend for their survival.

Bad: Go on a fishing trip but come back with no fish.
Worse: Go on a fishing trip and come back with herpes.

Bad: Forgetting your wallet in your car.
Worse: Forgetting your child in your car.

Bad: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “Intervention”.
Worse: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “To Catch A Predator”.

Bad: Sitting next to someone talking through an entire movie.
Worse: Sitting next to someone giving birth through an entire movie.

Bad: Life is getting just too tough for you so you jump off a roof.
Worse: You live and are now 3 inches shorter.

Bad: Losing your keys at a party and not remembering where you left them.
Worse: Losing your virginity at a party and not remembering who took it.

Bad: You rig up your car so you have your own makeshift ejection seat.
Worse: You accidentally eject yourself while on the bottom floor of a parking garage.

Bad: Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
Worse: Finding out your love interest is actually your sister.

Bad: You get breast implants done by a blind surgeon.
Worse: You get breast implants done by a blind, armless surgeon.

Bad: Someone tells you that you’re ugly.
Worse: Someone tells you that your face reminds them of a Picasso painting.

Bad: You fall down a flight of stairs and lose all but one of your teeth.
Worse: Afterwards, you go to the dentist and he tells you that you have a cavity.

Bad: You go down a waterslide and somehow lose your swimsuit and go down it naked.
Worse: You go down a waterslide and lose your swimsuit but then there is a freak accident and the slide is instantly drained of all its water. You skid down the dry slide inch by inch only to plop out into an empty concrete pool.

Bad: Scientists finally discover the missing link and are able to determine your exact evolutionary progress.
Worse: Scientists prove, once and for all, that you are in fact a direct descendant of a pile of dung.

Bad: You have to imagine the class in their underwear when you give a speech.
Worse: You are actually only in your underwear when you give a speech to your class.

I Cannot Find My Other Half

Posted on May 25, 2009 by admin

-Welcome to the unofficial national wiener roasting day. Lest we forget that today is actually the day to honor the roughly 668,268 men and women who have died in combat defending this country.

-I’m so good at calling in to work that I convinced my employer that my grandmother passed away last week and I was able to skip more work when I told them this week that she was resuscitated and needed me to help her move into her new condominium.

-If Crayons tasted as delicious as they look, everyone would be an art major.

-I wish I was a celebrity; everyone would know my name, I could buy whatever I wanted, everyone would want to take a picture with me, and I could occasionally get away with murder.

-New slang: Organ donor – Refers to any male or female who has sex frequently, donating their reproductive organs to others.

-Back in my day, you actually had to turn the pencil inside the sharpener to sharpen it.

-It’s a personal rule of mine to never get intimately involved with a girl described as “loosey-goosey”. I recommend you adopt it as a rule yourself.

-I learned this weekend that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

-Happy endings only exist in massage parlors and fairy tales.

-In these tough economic times, it wouldn’t surprise me if the leader of a large occult was sued for using the Kool-Aid brand without the proper copyright permission.

-Anytime you’re watching a thriller movie, during the opening credits, the actor whose name comes right after the main character is usually the killer.

-Unfortunately, I only have enough extremities to count to 21.

-”Time heals all wounds” is a polite way of saying “This shit won’t matter in a month so I’d rather not waste my time giving you any suggestions on how to get over it because I know you’re just going to ignore my advice and do whatever the fuck you want anyway… You cunt.”

-Plan-A never works, Plan-B almost never works, and no one ever has a Plan-C until Plan-B fucks up terribly.

-Pro-Tip: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck. It’s probably a damn duck.

-Have you ever stopped all of a sudden and thought to yourself “Where the hell am I and why am I naked?” Happens to me at least once every day it seems.

-She’s the misfortune to all of my luck.

Hippies

Posted on May 22, 2009 by admin

-If for some crazy reason Texas does succeed from the United States, I think we should change our motto from just “Don’t mess with Texas” to “Mess with Texas and Texas is going to fuck you up.” Just my two cents.

-After seeing machines harm humans so much in Terminator Salvation, I just had to come home from the movie and beat my toaster with a bat until it apologized for every piece of bread it burnt.

-Have you ever realized that Mother’s Day gifts are typically decorative or whimsical while Father’s Day gifts are almost always purposeful or functional? You find me a girl that wants a power saw and a 12-in-1 ratchet set and I’ll find you a guy that wants a summer dress and a decorative cat sculpture to go in his foyer.

-They say to never judge a book by its cover, which is exactly why I judge them by their title page and the amount of blank pages after the story.

-Ancient Egyptians believed that life was a quest for spiritual ascension which unfolded in stages. Twelve, to be exact, and a thirteenth step was your spirits entrance into the afterlife. If you turned your life into a television show, you’d have only about three months to show your audience the story of your life, showing one episode a week. You’d have to cover birth, adolescence, adulthood, old age, and death. Life is short. Life is too short to be wasted.

-Who do you think would be more vicious: Yogi after you take his picnic basket or Winnie the Pooh after you steal his honey jar?

-When eating inside you always look for a spot with a clean table, when you are eating outside you always look for a place that has a clean seat.

-I can’t wait for video games to become so realistic that if you don’t complete a mission in time your own house will actually burst into flames.

-Amateur night at a strip club is a bunch of girls who come out on stage and actually put more and more clothes on.

-New Jersey is the state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites, 96 of them to be exact. You get pissed when you step in dog poop, imagine getting out of your car and stumbling on a banana peel, falling onto a soiled diaper, and cutting you eye on a dirty syringe… and they are all radioactive.

-I got in trouble for feeding a police officer’s horse a bag of Cheetos once.

-That’s a lie. That never happened, but it’d be pretty funny wouldn’t it; a horse with Cheeto residue all over his muzzle?

-You know, I haven’t heard anything from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee in quite some time now. I wonder if they’re still around.

-Times; they are a changin’, bitches.

Zombies Are Just Hungering For Knowledge

Posted on May 20, 2009 by admin

-Some people just deserve a good swift kick to the crotch.

-In an effort to get inspired and to come up with new material, I ventured out to the great outdoors. Well, as my car sat at the local park while I got in touch with nature and what not, a dozen or so birds decided to crap all over the damn thing and to finish things off, on my way home I hit a squirrel, a house cat, two ducks and a penguin. Fuck nature.

-You have to accept that there is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand.

-There comes a point in any geeky guy’s life when he has to ask himself a really important question, no matter how much he may dread the answer: “Is my online girlfriend really a guy?”

-I’m an honorable man, but I’ll never admit to stealing those cookies from the cookie jar.

-A man teaching gun safety accidently shot himself in the head while demonstrating why you should keep guns unloaded at all times. If that’s not irony then I don’t know what is. [Article source: http://www.azstarnet.com/metro/293333.php ]

-Men don’t share their clothes with other men, unless it involves a funeral service: only exception, period.

-The new poster for the Twilight sequel, New Moon, has hit the net and I’m pretty sure I need to go change my pants. Hopefully this one won’t suck, but judging by the poster this movie is still going to be a series of funny facial expressions. [Image link: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41127 ]

-No one cares for police officers that much when they’re getting a ticket, but as soon as someone breaks into their house and steals their collection of Star Wars figurines who’s the first person they call?

-My security blanket for when I retire is a million dollars sewn together into a giant quilt.

-Pro Tip: Eating one of those tree shaped air fresheners is not the same thing as rinsing with some mouthwash.

-I’m going to go get terminated tonight at midnight. Hopefully the new Terminator Salvation movie has a bunch of grown ass men naked in a fetal position. That’s my favorite part about the series. Well, that and when the T-1000 stabs John Connor’s dad in the face through the bottom of the milk carton. That part was pretty cool too. I fucking love milk.

-Don’t expect much from me and I’ll expect even less from you.

Signs That Summertime Must Be Here Again

Posted on May 19, 2009 by admin

-You spend less time doing homework and more time grilling meat.

-You suddenly care about clean beaches.

-Girls are running around in outfits that look like they’re made out of a washcloth and some pieces of yarn.

-Your popsicle consumption has gone up 200%.

-You’ll honestly believe that your life must include the ownership of a snorkel.

-You have sand in places that you’ve never had sand before and where you never want to have sand again.

-Burying someone in sand is a good pastime rather than a way to avoid 10-25 years in prison.

-You could care less about what hotdogs are mad of. They taste great and that’s all you need to know.

-Waking up at 10:00am becomes “waking up early”.

-You become slightly more aware and weary of shark attacks in your area.

-Each day you wear less and less clothing to remain comfortable.

-Your bank statements consist mostly of where you spent your beer money.

-Every movie at the theater is either a romantic comedy or an action movie featuring continuous, back to back, explosions.

-You have a painful reminder of why you told yourself “I’m never going to let myself get sunburnt again.”

-You realize the importance of cold drinks and you’ll put a strong emphasis on the “cold” part when you order one.

-The notion of going to Mexico actually starts to sound like a good idea.

-You realize that just like buying a house, when building a sand castle the most important things are location, location, location.

-When you’re outside you’ll bitch about how hot it is, then as soon as you get inside you’ll remind everyone how great a day it is outside.

-You’ll accept the fact that anytime you turn on the television, you’ll be watching reruns.

-You have developed a tan line from your flip-flops.

Progress In Reverse

Posted on May 18, 2009 by admin

-If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I don’t want to come back as a lonely amoeba, waddling my protoplasmic mass around, playing parasite to some unfortunate host.

-If you really had to choose, would you rather lose all of your fingers except your pinkies or would you rather lose all of your toes except the smallest ones, you know, the little piggies that went to the market?

-No one ever needs a king size candy bar. Want it as much as you’d like, but you can’t justify your body needing 10lbs of chocolate covered with a half gallon of caramel and a jars worth of crushed up peanuts.

-”You call this music? Sounds like he’s playing the piano with a garden rake strapped to his dick.”

-Nothing says “I love you” like inviting a total stranger into the bedroom for a night of fun.

-A 400lb doctor telling you that you should eat healthier is like a mother of eight telling me I should practice safe sex.

-IHOP is a classy place to take a girl on a date. The stale coffee smell and the lingering tobacco smoke go great with the delicious food and sticky tabletops.

-It was cut out of the children’s book, but Prince Charming was actually a necrophiliac and thought Sleeping Beauty was dead when he kissed her and was then somewhat disappointed when she woke up and proclaimed he was her one true love. True story.

-A pen is never truly out of ink until it fails the drawing clockwise scribbled circles test.

-Best question I’ve ever been asked: “Where can I find D-batteries and edible undergarments?”

-If I had a time machine I’d go back in time and ruin everyone’s movie going experience by spoiling the ending of every movie during the opening credits.

-I stayed in a very exotic hotel last summer; they had bath mats made out of Siamese cat fur.

-Whoever decided to call an open door “ajar” was a real ass. “The door is ajar.” “No, the door is a door; this open glass container is a jar.” “Yes, the jar is ajar as well.”

-With a little relabeling and some new box art, you could turn a regular retail grill accessory kit into a do it yourself cannibalism kit.

-There is no I in “team” but there is one in “quit” and one in “give up”.

There Aren’t Any Chaperons At Camp Awesome

Posted on May 15, 2009 by admin

-Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just tired of drinking, but, for some reason, you keep drinking anyway?

-I don’t know about you, but I think we should just get rid of Wednesday and Thursday.

-When you really break it down, there are only two people in the United States who decide what you see or don’t see on the news. Yes, two people.

-Wow, somewhere in the neighborhood of $250,000 space porn. A piece of astronaut gear is going up for auction; it’s a page from the manuals of the Apollo 16 crew featuring a doodle of an astronaut and a naked cartoon space bimbo. [link to auction, NSFW cartoon boobies: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05QR51Y2Ga7NL ]

-All movies should end with every single main character dying, simply to prevent Hollywood from making some shitty sequel. Sure after a while it’d be predictable, but it’d be interesting to see how directors could kill off an entire cast within realistic boundaries of the story.

-Next time you’re filling up, be sure to spray the person on the other side of the pump with gasoline. It’s a cool, refreshing way to add some enjoyment to their day in these warm summer months.

-This beats the hell out of those annoying “Can you hear me now?” commercials. This is one of the first commercials for a cell phone from 1989. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that music in at least 5 different adult films though. [video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptbJZ9HBw2k ]

-Every time I assemble a puzzle that’s missing pieces it reminds me of the age old classic tale of the beloved Humpty Dumpty.

-Hopefully, by the time that the sun finally explodes there is such a thing as sunblock with SPF 3,000,000,000.

-It’s just an assumption, but I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with “jumping jacks” was probably named Jack… or Jumping.

-Here’s some good advice to help you live just a little bit longer: trust no one, take no chances, think of every consequence, look twice, keep to yourself, and be a pessimist. You’ll live longer, but you won’t live any happier.

-If I could possibly own everything in the world, I’d give it all away anyway. And you, my friend, would get all of the rubber bands.

-Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to send a thank you and happy birthday message to one of my most dedicated readers! Happy birthday Jennifer!

Nothing Else I’d Rather Do

Posted on May 13, 2009 by admin

-There are about 640 muscles in the human body, never in my life have all of them been having a good time at the same time.

-Have you ever seen some really bad or crazy haircut and thought to yourself “Man, they must have fallen down a flight of stairs with a pair of scissors in one hand and a weed whacker in the other.”?

-If I could go back and do it all again, I’d a hire a midget to stay in my backpack and do all of my school work for me.

-Making out is really cool until you lose your virginity, then it’s just another tedious step in the process of getting to what you’re really after: which is love, true everlasting love, of course. What did you think I meant?

-Every time I throw coins into a wishing well I make the same wish. I always wish that I had more coins to throw into it.

-”Sexting” is the hottest new trend for paying ridiculous phone prices to get a little bit of excitement. Nothing gives that feeling of a sexy private moment like anonymous and heavily abbreviated text messages sent every few minutes. “I’m going to rub your…” [two minutes and $0.99 later] “…back to relax you. Then I’ll take off my…” [two more minutes and another $0.99] “…fur coat because it sure is hot.” Perhaps this is the real reason why our economy is in the shitter. Poor money management.

-My finals are finally over, finally. So this weekend I’m going to drink until I develop methyphobia (a fear of alcohol).

-If someone asks you the hypothetical question about being stranded on an island and only being able to bring one thing and you answer anything other than an airplane or a boat, you’re stupid.

-Are you open-minded? [video link: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/totocacapouet/video/x8uei4_openmindedness_tech ]

-”My heart belongs to you, but my cock is community property.” – Steel Panther

-It’s impossible to sound stern or serious while saying “Okie-dokie!”

-Having an antidepressant addiction is the happiest bad habit you could possibly have.

-Today is International Bra Free Day. I’ll give you ladies a minute to unclasp and get comfy… Okay, now take a picture and send it to me it just might reduce your chances of breast cancer. Well, not the sending the picture part, but the freeing of the breastesses has proven to be better for your health.

-When you can’t say anything nice shut the fuck up, please.