July 24th, 2009
if you poke the pixels they get bigger
Those who pee together, stay together. Urinal buddies for life.
Just what you needed, just in the nick of time.
You don't wanna get a bo-bo.
Step 4 looks brutal.
This looked cute on paper, but when the mold was made, surely someone said "Wait a minute...".
Good thing it was fancy underwear day, otherwise this would have been totally embarrassing.
These magical tissues make your boogers disappear.
That is just cruel.
Barney loves hugs! You know, because he loves you and you love him back and shit.
Someone has to bring the national pastime to the Middle East.
Tags: caption, funny, hilarious, images, pictures, random, Random Pictures
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July 23rd, 2009
click the pictures to lower your cholesterol
I'm not sure what move this is, but I'm impressed.
You missed a spot... No, no, on the other side... Okay there you got it.
This is half of the great "I'll Show You Mine, You Show Me Yours" campaign in action!
Robo-Dinosaur vs Squirrel. A battle-royale to the bitter bloody end.
It's all fine and great until she claws your back so hard she punctures one of your lungs.
Pretty sure you're doing it wrong.
Gun safety - This isn't it.
Some would consider this excessive... Here in America we believe in no such concept.
Easy Mode
This is what someone pooping in their space suit looks like.
Tags: captions, funny, funny pictures, hilarious, images, pictures, random, Random Pictures
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July 22nd, 2009
-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.
-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey
-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.
-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]
-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.
-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.
-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]
-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.
-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.
-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.
-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?
-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.
-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.
Tags: 911, bath time, burst into flame, candlelight, character, cookies, drugs, friends, girl scouts, iraq, lingerie, maid, quote, romantic, script, showers, sponge bath, taser, vitamin c, wish upon a star
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July 21st, 2009
enormificate with just one poke of the finger
Halloween is just around the corner. Start brushing three times a day to prepare your mouth for the abundent amount of sweets ahead.
You'll never be this cool.
Really should have hired a better painter.
Nothing says "I'm hardcore" like a skull-brush to clean your potty.
I heart sarcasm... Sarcasm and boobies.
Innocent until proven guilty in the court of law.
Oh, how lovely.
A fine, but creepy prank idea.
The french fries are about to launch an all out assault on your stomach and pancreas.
Amateur photography: better than regular photography.
Tags: captions, funny, funny pictures, hilarious, images, pictures, random, Random Pictures
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July 20th, 2009
-Do you think bugs get upset tummies?
-When I get really upset with someone I close my eyes and start taking long deep breaths until A) I blow them off into the sky, or B) until they think I’m going into labor and just go away.
-I don’t think I could ever bring myself to start dating a girl who is living with seven dwarfs.
-I enjoy crossing out days on my calendar so much that I usually cross out four or five days at a time. It sure would suck if I died before I actually made it through all of those days. I’d hate for my ghost to have to come back and perpetually live out those days I marked out but never actually made it through.
-Have you ever sat and thought to yourself “I’d probably have more fun watching an overly in depth documentary on the digestive system than doing what I’m doing right now.”?
-If the enjoyment you extract does not exceed the effort you input then it’s time to move on.
-Intergalactic Douchebag – A person who has surpassed the rank of jerk and asshole but has not yet reached the rank fucker or motherfucker and has previously travelled in space.
-The original ending to Beauty And The Beast was Belle being mauled to death, but Disney figured they should go with something more wholesome, like “Happily ever after…” or some crap.
-I’ve seen chickens do a lot in my day, but never once have I seen one do The Chicken Dance.
-It takes a special kind of person to defecate in public and it takes a special person to have sex in public, but it takes a remarkably special type of person to defecate on someone having sex in public. Thanks to the internet you can all be suckered into watching videos of these “special” people doing what they do best.
-We’re all simple creatures that just want a place for our belongings, hot meals, and the occasional heavy make-out session during a movie.
-There isn’t really much of a difference between a scheme and a plan. A scheme just sounds more cunning, while a plan sounds more official.
-Brunettes are double the trouble but blondes are only half the fun.
-The easiest way to survive a Monday: call in.
Tags: beauty and the beast, belle, blonde, brunette, bugs, call in, chicken dance, deep breaths, defecate, define, definition, documentary, douchebag, mondays, plan, public, scheme, seven dwarfs, sex, snow white, term
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July 16th, 2009
click to humungify
these girls are STARVING... for attention that is.
Pretty sure this was on America's Funniest Home Videos back in 1993. I'm still laughing at it.
She seems to be enjoying it.
It was a match made in Wells Fargo... I mean, heaven, yeah, made in heaven.
Fairytale endings aren't possible.
They came here from outer space to make sure you're having a good time on your vacation.
I've cuddled for less.
This is what your dreams look like when they don't come true.
Story of my life.
The stock market is down, the number of picnic baskets is on a decline, and the price of honey is through the roof. This is his only option.
Tags: funny, funny pictures, hilarious, images, media, pictures, random, Random Pictures
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July 15th, 2009
-The first step in reaching immortality is not dying.
-Unlike most movies, going on a spiritual journey to find your inner self does not often involve learning cool Kung-Fu moves.
-If we ever do encounter aliens from another planet, my only hope is that they aren’t the kind of aliens that spontaneously burst out of your chest cavity.
-I don’t have any friends with benefits, but I do have several with disadvantages.
-James Bond is the only person that can be attempting to kill a woman and still somehow manage to seduce her into drinks and passionate sex back in his hotel room.
-We used to think of the future as being hovering cars and world peace, now it seems more like worldwide pollution, over population, and nuclear wars. The future isn’t what it used to be.
-Anytime I have a permanent marker and access to several road maps, I make sure to draw a fat X somewhere on every one of them. Everyone enjoys a good treasure hunt.
-The more severe your headache, the more everyone feels the need to talk as if they are in the front row of a Kiss concert trying to verbally explain thermodynamics to a deaf child.
-Time doesn’t heal all wounds; falling into a pit of hungry alligators is a good example of this.
-I bet a goldfish could kill a gorilla. The attack would have to rely heavily on the element of surprise.
-There’s actually a magazine called “Garden And Gun”. It covers, as the name suggests, gardening tips and superior firearms for the average American.
-A man in Virginia was called a nerd over the internet so he got into his car and drove 1,300 miles to Texas to burn down the other guy’s trailer. That’s dedication.
-Having your panties in a wad sounds like the most uncomfortable thing ever.
-When the sky is falling, no abundant amount of funny hats can save you.
-The key to living a good life is to have more credits for good deeds than withdrawals for favors.
Tags: aliens, burn down, friends with benefits, future, garden, goldfish, good life, gorilla, guns, headache, heal, immortality, inner peace, internet, james bond, kung fu, magazine, movies, nerd, nuclear war, over population, panties, pollution, seduce, spiritual journey, time, treasure map, women, wounds, x marks the spot
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July 14th, 2009
if you click the pretty rectangles they get bigger
show men that you really get around with this handy subway map dress.
safety first.
"dont be stupid, protect yourself" condom ad.
i'm pretty sure that would defeat the purpose of invisibility all together.
good way to really creep out the passenger next to you on the plane.
her facial expression is pretty much icing on the cake.
i'm an equal opportunity intoxicificationator.
"for my next piece, metallica's 'ride the lightning'"
opportunity – seize it!
there's no better way to look into the sun.
Tags: funny, funny pictures, hilarious, images, pictures, random, Random Pictures
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July 13th, 2009
-Being in debt is a good way to really see what you’re worth; knee caps $10,000 each, fingers $1,500 each, legs are about $2,000, and each finger and toenail is about $200.
-”…And for the next contestant of the Talent portion of this year’s Miss America Pageant, Susie May is going to perform long division!”
-First there were no machines. Then, when we called people we really hoped we didn’t have to talk to a machine. Now, when we visit websites, we have to prove that we are not machines.
-There is a special point in life when you realize that the list of things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.
-Good news travels fast; bad news is always running about five minutes late.
-It’s impossible to reach Zen with pants on.
-Time is only one person’s side and that’s Time’s.
-British mum and four of her daughters get breast implants. [Article source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/life-style/kids-and-family/2009/07/12/mum-and-four-daughters-spend-40-000-on-nine-boob-ops-115875-21512369/ ] Unfortunately, they’re all blondes.
-Your momma is so fat that if she was a magician she’d have to vanish into fat air.
-”Up shit creek without a paddle” is just a roundabout way of saying the same expression of “It’s time you roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.”
-It’s a good thing that dinosaurs aren’t around anymore. If they were, there’d probably a rights activist group and there would never be another movie about people having to kill rampant dinosaurs in order to escape a freak-show of an amusement park on some tropical island.
-Falling into a vat of cotton candy is a sticky situation I think everyone wants to be in.
-”Filthy rich” is when you’re wearing $200 underwear and $500 jeans and you shit yourself and you don’t care.
-Be an impressive motherfucker, be honest and be yourself.
-The jig is up, the news is out, they’ve finally found me;
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty;
Never more to go astray, this will be the end today.
Tags: be yourself, beauty, blondes, boob job, breast implants, british, brunettes, contest, cotton candy, debt, dinosaurs, filthy rich, good news, honest, humans, jig is up, life, machines, miss america, news, pants, renegade, rich, shit creek, sticky situation, styx, talent, things you want to do, threaten, time, travel, without a paddle, zen
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