Tag Archives: accident

Uix Mt Ip

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-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

From Bad To Worse

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Bad: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while on a construction site.
Worse: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while in a port-o-potty.

Bad: Getting lost in the woods and having to eventually eat your friend in order to survive.
Worse: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by your friend for their survival.

Bad: Go on a fishing trip but come back with no fish.
Worse: Go on a fishing trip and come back with herpes.

Bad: Forgetting your wallet in your car.
Worse: Forgetting your child in your car.

Bad: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “Intervention”.
Worse: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “To Catch A Predator”.

Bad: Sitting next to someone talking through an entire movie.
Worse: Sitting next to someone giving birth through an entire movie.

Bad: Life is getting just too tough for you so you jump off a roof.
Worse: You live and are now 3 inches shorter.

Bad: Losing your keys at a party and not remembering where you left them.
Worse: Losing your virginity at a party and not remembering who took it.

Bad: You rig up your car so you have your own makeshift ejection seat.
Worse: You accidentally eject yourself while on the bottom floor of a parking garage.

Bad: Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
Worse: Finding out your love interest is actually your sister.

Bad: You get breast implants done by a blind surgeon.
Worse: You get breast implants done by a blind, armless surgeon.

Bad: Someone tells you that you’re ugly.
Worse: Someone tells you that your face reminds them of a Picasso painting.

Bad: You fall down a flight of stairs and lose all but one of your teeth.
Worse: Afterwards, you go to the dentist and he tells you that you have a cavity.

Bad: You go down a waterslide and somehow lose your swimsuit and go down it naked.
Worse: You go down a waterslide and lose your swimsuit but then there is a freak accident and the slide is instantly drained of all its water. You skid down the dry slide inch by inch only to plop out into an empty concrete pool.

Bad: Scientists finally discover the missing link and are able to determine your exact evolutionary progress.
Worse: Scientists prove, once and for all, that you are in fact a direct descendant of a pile of dung.

Bad: You have to imagine the class in their underwear when you give a speech.
Worse: You are actually only in your underwear when you give a speech to your class.

Douchebaggery

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-If painting your face green, having several Baileys shots, talking in an accent, and drinking green beer all night doesn’t make you Irish then I just don’t know what will.

-I am at a point of great irresolute. Which is better; coconut bras or seashell bras?

-If I made the rules, every restaurant would give you crayons and every table would have a paper tablecloth.

-There must be a How-To book out there about how to force your opinions on others and make them give a shit, because I’m starting to care. I gotta watch that.

-A weird person is someone who keeps their cremated relative in a see-through glass container.

-On all of my travels, I’m going to bring home a bar of soap from the hotel I stayed at. When I turn 55 I’m going to melt all of the bars of soap into one giant block. From that block I’m going to carve something amazing to remember my travels by. I’m a pretty terrible sculptor so when you look at it, you’ll probably need to use a lot of your own imagination. It’s going to be so awesome though, just wait!

-While filming a segment of the movie The Twilight Zone (1983), a helicopter was flew too low to avoid the explosions of the pyrotechnics. The blast severed the tail rotor and the helicopter spun out of control and crashed, decapitating two actors with its blades and crushing another.

-I think I could get into a rapper named DJ Jazzy Ice Cream Sprinkles.

-Doesn’t it bother you that you can’t make phone calls with headphones, head-PHONES? I lose sleep, honestly.

-I admire well laid plans, especially when they don’t work out and the sloppy hastily-made plans prevail.

-Your mom is so fat she doesn’t need the internet – she’s already world wide.

-I’m just kidding about that last one; your mom is a really swell lady.

-Albert Einstein’s last words went unheard. Unfortunately for him, his nurse didn’t speak German. I bet he said something really deep and meaningful. Something he planned for years and years to be the most eloquent words any dying man could ever manage to muster. Such a shame. Such is life.