Tag Archives: advice

Just Say When

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-The future is as certain as the possibility that I’m not wearing pants.

-I try to always keep a folding chair in the room with me. You just never know when a pro wrestler might stop by.

-Take a real deep breath, look into the mirror and ask yourself “Why the fuck am I talking to myself?”

-I bought a telescope to study the stars but I quickly realized there are much more interesting things just through the window of my neighbor’s house.

-The worst advice is always punctual. The best advice is always 30 minutes late.

-It’s always flattering when someone admits to dreaming about you. It’s nice to know you’ve made enough of an impression that someone’s mind can’t resist but to think of you.

-If you can’t see the forest for the trees then maybe you live in a desert, or perhaps a low-lying grassland region.

-Too often, pretty underwear is covered by ugly jeans. Such a travesty.

-Anytime I receive a package that says “Open Other End” I take it as a personal challenge to successfully open the wrong end. Same thing goes for signs that say “Stay Off Of Grass”. For some reason my feet start to tingle and walking across a green lawn seems to be the only cure.

-After much research it has been determined that the strongest force in the universe is gossip.

-Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

-People who share their religious views with you almost never want to hear your religious views in return.

-Never trust a man wearing two watches.

-Stumbling all over myself and mumbling incoherently; either someone slipped something into my drink or I’m in love. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

-I’ll jump, jump, but I won’t put my hands up in the air, because I actually do kind of care.

-“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” -Hunter S. Thompson

-If you suddenly went deaf and blind at the same time, how could anyone convince you that you are still alive? A hand to their chest to feel their heartbeat?

Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown

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We’ve all heard the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but there are a plethora of other ways to let your significant other know that they aren’t so significant. As with any other tactic or strategy, there is usually a counter maneuver you have to be aware of. I’ll break down your break ups and let you know what to be wary of.

Alright, let’s start breaking hearts.

Option 1: Fake Your Death
Most obvious of your options when it’s time to call it quits, but one of the trickiest moves to pull off successfully. Works great when you are moving, joined the armed forces, have been relocated for your job, or if you two have only dated over the internet.

Doesn’t Work When: You’re dating your next door neighbor, you two share mutual friends who cant keep secrets, or if you are dating someone in the same apartment complex – easily turning your day into the longest elevator ride of your life as you try to explain to them that you are just a ghost… and that even ghosts have to go grocery shopping.

Option 2: Plant Evidence That You’ve Been Cheating
Evidence suggesting you’ve been cheating is a good way to get them to break up with you, saving you the hassle of initiating the conversation and ensuring they will never want to talk to you again. Guys just need to buy a bottle of cheap perfume that smells sweeter than a sugar cube and a bottle of honey having sex. A few spurts on your chest when you’re on your way home is a sure way to make her think you’ve been snuggling with an 18 year old. Girls, all you need to do is splash a little Brut on your inner thighs. Next time you’re in bed together, your soon-to-be ex will quickly wonder what other recently shaved gentleman has been dining as his buffet, if you catch my drift.

Doesn’t Work When: It will work, but if your partner is close to your family and friends it’s likely that they will spread word of your deeds and everyone will think you’re a total asshole for a month or two. Beware of that.

Option 3: Build-A-Break-Up-Bear
By now, everyone is probably familiar with Build-A-Bear stores and their products, but I’ll give you a quick summary. Build-A-Bear is a place to assemble your own teddy bear to give to someone. You pick out its look, its stuffing, its clothes; you even can record a message on it to play when someone squeezes one of the bear’s paws. All you need to do is record your parting message and give it to the one you loathe. Hopefully the sweet thoughtfulness and cuteness of the bear will counter the sour message delivered through the cheap and terribly muffled speaker that’s telling them it’s time to see other people.

Doesn’t Work When: Your less-than-better half is deaf, but works twice as well when your partner has a deep rooted fear of bears – stuffed, or real.

Option 4: Counter Commitment
If your relationship is new, suggest it’s time to get married and have four dozen children together. If your relationship has been long, be sure to let them also know that you see no kids in your future and let them know that you don’t believe in marriage and that you were put on this earth for one thing: having sex – having sex with lots of people.

Doesn’t Work When: They actually share the same views. Rare, but it does happen.

Option 5: Electronic Billboard At The Baseball Game
Let the world know that you aren’t meant for each other, your lover’s feet stink, they’re always late, they’re terrible in bed, and that they whistle when they talk sometimes on the world largest LCD television, the good old JUMBO-TRON 5000! Quick, easy, and only costs about $40 to have your message displayed. Plus, if you went to the sporting event with your friends, it will save you the hassle of having to describe why you two broke up over and over again.

Doesn’t Work When: Your main-squeeze is blind, can’t read, or happens to be in the bathroom when your message is displayed. This one takes some planning, but sure to leave a lasting impression.

You might want to print this out and keep it with you in case of emergencies.

Good luck out there.

Uix Mt Ip

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-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

We’re All Unique Individuals

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-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.

-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.

-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.

-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.

-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.

-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.

-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]

-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!

-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.

-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.

-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]

-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.

I Cannot Find My Other Half

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-Welcome to the unofficial national wiener roasting day. Lest we forget that today is actually the day to honor the roughly 668,268 men and women who have died in combat defending this country.

-I’m so good at calling in to work that I convinced my employer that my grandmother passed away last week and I was able to skip more work when I told them this week that she was resuscitated and needed me to help her move into her new condominium.

-If Crayons tasted as delicious as they look, everyone would be an art major.

-I wish I was a celebrity; everyone would know my name, I could buy whatever I wanted, everyone would want to take a picture with me, and I could occasionally get away with murder.

-New slang: Organ donor – Refers to any male or female who has sex frequently, donating their reproductive organs to others.

-Back in my day, you actually had to turn the pencil inside the sharpener to sharpen it.

-It’s a personal rule of mine to never get intimately involved with a girl described as “loosey-goosey”. I recommend you adopt it as a rule yourself.

-I learned this weekend that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

-Happy endings only exist in massage parlors and fairy tales.

-In these tough economic times, it wouldn’t surprise me if the leader of a large occult was sued for using the Kool-Aid brand without the proper copyright permission.

-Anytime you’re watching a thriller movie, during the opening credits, the actor whose name comes right after the main character is usually the killer.

-Unfortunately, I only have enough extremities to count to 21.

-”Time heals all wounds” is a polite way of saying “This shit won’t matter in a month so I’d rather not waste my time giving you any suggestions on how to get over it because I know you’re just going to ignore my advice and do whatever the fuck you want anyway… You cunt.”

-Plan-A never works, Plan-B almost never works, and no one ever has a Plan-C until Plan-B fucks up terribly.

-Pro-Tip: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck. It’s probably a damn duck.

-Have you ever stopped all of a sudden and thought to yourself “Where the hell am I and why am I naked?” Happens to me at least once every day it seems.

-She’s the misfortune to all of my luck.

Progress In Reverse

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-If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I don’t want to come back as a lonely amoeba, waddling my protoplasmic mass around, playing parasite to some unfortunate host.

-If you really had to choose, would you rather lose all of your fingers except your pinkies or would you rather lose all of your toes except the smallest ones, you know, the little piggies that went to the market?

-No one ever needs a king size candy bar. Want it as much as you’d like, but you can’t justify your body needing 10lbs of chocolate covered with a half gallon of caramel and a jars worth of crushed up peanuts.

-”You call this music? Sounds like he’s playing the piano with a garden rake strapped to his dick.”

-Nothing says “I love you” like inviting a total stranger into the bedroom for a night of fun.

-A 400lb doctor telling you that you should eat healthier is like a mother of eight telling me I should practice safe sex.

-IHOP is a classy place to take a girl on a date. The stale coffee smell and the lingering tobacco smoke go great with the delicious food and sticky tabletops.

-It was cut out of the children’s book, but Prince Charming was actually a necrophiliac and thought Sleeping Beauty was dead when he kissed her and was then somewhat disappointed when she woke up and proclaimed he was her one true love. True story.

-A pen is never truly out of ink until it fails the drawing clockwise scribbled circles test.

-Best question I’ve ever been asked: “Where can I find D-batteries and edible undergarments?”

-If I had a time machine I’d go back in time and ruin everyone’s movie going experience by spoiling the ending of every movie during the opening credits.

-I stayed in a very exotic hotel last summer; they had bath mats made out of Siamese cat fur.

-Whoever decided to call an open door “ajar” was a real ass. “The door is ajar.” “No, the door is a door; this open glass container is a jar.” “Yes, the jar is ajar as well.”

-With a little relabeling and some new box art, you could turn a regular retail grill accessory kit into a do it yourself cannibalism kit.

-There is no I in “team” but there is one in “quit” and one in “give up”.

There Aren’t Any Chaperons At Camp Awesome

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-Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just tired of drinking, but, for some reason, you keep drinking anyway?

-I don’t know about you, but I think we should just get rid of Wednesday and Thursday.

-When you really break it down, there are only two people in the United States who decide what you see or don’t see on the news. Yes, two people.

-Wow, somewhere in the neighborhood of $250,000 space porn. A piece of astronaut gear is going up for auction; it’s a page from the manuals of the Apollo 16 crew featuring a doodle of an astronaut and a naked cartoon space bimbo. [link to auction, NSFW cartoon boobies: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05QR51Y2Ga7NL ]

-All movies should end with every single main character dying, simply to prevent Hollywood from making some shitty sequel. Sure after a while it’d be predictable, but it’d be interesting to see how directors could kill off an entire cast within realistic boundaries of the story.

-Next time you’re filling up, be sure to spray the person on the other side of the pump with gasoline. It’s a cool, refreshing way to add some enjoyment to their day in these warm summer months.

-This beats the hell out of those annoying “Can you hear me now?” commercials. This is one of the first commercials for a cell phone from 1989. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that music in at least 5 different adult films though. [video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptbJZ9HBw2k ]

-Every time I assemble a puzzle that’s missing pieces it reminds me of the age old classic tale of the beloved Humpty Dumpty.

-Hopefully, by the time that the sun finally explodes there is such a thing as sunblock with SPF 3,000,000,000.

-It’s just an assumption, but I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with “jumping jacks” was probably named Jack… or Jumping.

-Here’s some good advice to help you live just a little bit longer: trust no one, take no chances, think of every consequence, look twice, keep to yourself, and be a pessimist. You’ll live longer, but you won’t live any happier.

-If I could possibly own everything in the world, I’d give it all away anyway. And you, my friend, would get all of the rubber bands.

-Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to send a thank you and happy birthday message to one of my most dedicated readers! Happy birthday Jennifer!

Keeping Score, With Fingers And Toes

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-I’m not too sure about victory, but I definitely know the smell of utter defeat.

-I think I can speak on behalf of all men when I say that it is really fucking hard to focus when there is an abundant amount of cleavage in a room.

-There’s no better way to learn awkward information about your friends than through a rousing game of Never Have I Ever.

-My mind likes to play tricks on me. I tell him he’s really smart and he makes me do stupid things to impress girls.

-People skills are an important tool for proper social interactions. Dropping your pants in the middle of a crowded room and singing Kumbaya is not a demonstration of proper people skills.

-I’m compiling a list of names. A list of names of people I’d like to see thrown into a giant vat of Jell-O.

-The tagline “This will make your dick explode!” is a terrible attempt at promotion even if it’s for a male enhancement pill.

-Amputation is the new option for people who want to lose a quick 10-20lbs.

-If I had a pet dinosaur, the first trick I’d teach him would be how to play extinct. The second trick I’d teach him would be to not eat me.

-If a blind person tells you to “Watch out!” is he a liar and a total prick or does he just have a great sense of humor?

-With the proper number of stamps attached to your face, you should be able to mail yourself anywhere in the world.

-If the devil is real, I’m almost certain he has at least a part-time position at the DMV.

-Lines of advice that rhyme or are typically presented in a limerick form are usually not good advice.

-The ambition to be invited onto a tour bus for a night of intense passion with a famous person is quickly overshadowed by the depths of which your morals will have to sink in order to go through with the act.

-Here’s a little advice that might get you through the week: If you can’t swim, don’t rock the boat.

Shimmy, Shimmy, Shake

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-Out with the old, in with the stupid.

-My weekly routine includes binge drinking and a little bit of crying.

-Wind chimes; one of mankind’s most annoying inventions, second only to alarm clocks.

-Trapped in a box is too easy, I want to see a mime pretend to be trapped in a giant hamster ball.

-I got a tattoo this weekend. It’s a tiny little squiggly on the side of my face. That way people can tell me “Hey, you got something on your face.” and I can rub the opposite side of my head so they have to tell me “No, no, other side.” Then they’ll demonstrate where it’s at and I can just keep rubbing the wrong spot until they get frustrated and lie to me and tell me that I got it and that it’s gone now. Then I can call them a liar. This will show me who my friends really are. Friends don’t let friends walk around with shit on their faces.

-I’m strongly opposed to young people driving while under the influence of terrible music.

-Now I’ve seen everything. This morning I saw a lady on a treadmill wearing fuzzy house slippers. It’s a bold way of saying, “I’m here to get in shape, but I’m still too lazy to tie any laces.”

-”No human thing is of serious importance.” – Plato

-Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalianism is the expression you use to say that a word is really, really long. Should be pretty easy to remember.

-If the bed isn’t squeaking you’re doing it wrong.

-Which would make for a better epitaph; a man mauled by one really huge cat or a man eaten by three dozen regular house cats?

-The best inventions are the ones you don’t appreciate until they’re not around.

-Green is a tricky color. There’s only a few shades difference between forest green and baby puke.

-Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing pictures of those people who put on way too much bronzer and now look like Oompa-Loompas.

-I had a dream that I woke up and went to work. Then, when I really did wake up, I went to work, thus turning my Sunday into the fourth worst day of my entire life.

-And lastly, some advice for the road: hanging out with assholes is a good way to smell like shit.

To See Like Your Eyes Do

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-I sold my soul to a pawn shop for a fake Rolex watch, a 20″ television, and an old acoustic guitar.

-I must not be American. Fuck baseball, fornication is my favorite pastime.

-If I was in your shoes, my feet would be pretty uncomfortable.

-”You’re about as helpful as a scented candle in a used diaper recycling factory.”

-In Boy Scouts, I think you get a badge for being molested by your Scout Leader and not telling your parents about it.

-This weekend I start filming my new documentary style series. It’s called Grannies Gone Wild, should be pretty awesome.

-Is the Vice President’s wife called the second lady? Or do we stop numbering them after the first? If so, why even bother numbering them in the first place?

-I don’t believe in reincarnating into an animal because I’d like to hope that I won’t come back to this little blue marble as a cow meandering around through life just to be slaughtered and turned into a couple dozen Big Mac burgers. And I don’t believe in reincarnating as an object because I’d like not to come back as a bottle of personal lubricant. I’d rather just die and stay dead thank you very much.

-I’m a failed romantic. I had a really big crush on this girl for the longest time and things were going steady until I hired a tuba player to serenade her late one school night. After that, she wouldn’t return any of my phone calls.

-I like to be different, so I always eat my popsicles from the stick end first.

-What triggers inside the brain that makes you say to yourself “I want to be a monk! I want to wear pajamas all day long and hum to myself all the time.”

-Do not run while holding scissors or while carrying an angry anaconda.

-”Just because you caught me with my pants down doesn’t mean you have to slam my dick in the door.”

-What does the Tooth Fairy do with all of those teeth? Does she use them as bricks to build an enormous castle? Does she melt them down and turn them into fine jewelry? Come on. Why the fuck would anyone want all those teeth? If you’re going to make a fable, at least have the story flushed out to add some plausibility.

-You can’t learn to love until you learn to lose.