Tag Archives: alcohol

As Serious As An Erection Problem

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Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.

-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.

-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.

-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!

-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador

-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?

-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!

-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.

-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.

-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.

-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.

-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.

-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.

-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.

-Ignorance is not bliss.

Hollowed By Uncertainty

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-I’m pretty sure I could live happily without cotton balls.

-The best part about waking up at 6am is that you don’t have to wake up at 5am.

-”I didn’t hit him. I just gave his face a high-five!”

-Organ donor – A person who is known for having many sexual partners.

-The best times to be non-religious: spring break, summer break, science classes, Halloween, and rock concerts. The worst times to be non-religious: Bar Mitzvahs, Christmas, weddings, funerals, and when playing the lottery.

-Pro Tip: If the humidity is over 100% and you’re surrounded by a dozen naked men, you are either in the Amazon rainforest or a club gym’s sauna room.

-Online dating is great: straight from MySpace to her place.

-Nothing clears your mind like a .45 caliber round through your cranium.

-Every year, nearly a thousand people are burnt by trying to iron their clothes while wearing them. Of those thousand people, one thousand of them are fucking stupid.

-Alcohol makes girls do funny things, like kiss each other… I love alcohol.

-The government doesn’t need to wiretap my phones or monitor by internet activities. They just need to follow me on Twitter. [http://twitter.com/AmznglyMundane]

-I can’t wait until I have kids so I can pass all of my problems, flaws, and shortcomings onto them.

-In some small Midwest towns, the state militias are actually based in the rear parking lot of their local Wal-Mart store.

-Speaking of militias, with the threat of water and oil shortages there has been some far off speculation that war on America’s soil may happen. I just hope no one is dumb enough to try to mobilize through Texas. We have more guns than citizens in some counties.

-Mammo-glamour – A female who has a great bust but otherwise less-than-impressive features.

-Did you know that with a hefty amount of starch you can turn a mop into a broom? Well, now you know. You’re welcome!

-Patience will get you through the day. Patience will keep you waiting.

Pondering, Wondering, And Getting Lost

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-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?

-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.

-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.

-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.

-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.

-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.

-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.

-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.

-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.

-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.

-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.

-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.

-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.

-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.

-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.

Little Things In Big Packages

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-Sex is like any other physically laborious activity; it’s better if you put your back into it.

-Reading the back of packaging is always a source for some interesting facts. Take for example sunblock; one ingredient you’ll find in all of the top dollar stuff is hippo sweat. That’s right, hippo sweat. After some internet browsing I also figured out that it makes for a decent insect repellant as well.

-If you’re tickling a gorilla, then you’re definitely looking for trouble.

-The first public anti-smoking campaign was launched by the Nazis, and it’s been going great ever since.

-If you repeatedly dial the wrong number more than three times in a single hour, then, congratulations, you’re eligible for execution behind the tool shed! It sucks having a cell phone number that’s only a digit off from a Chinese restaurant telephone number.

-It was once commonly believed that having alcohol in your bloodstream made it likely for you to suddenly burst into flames and be burnt alive. If that was true, I would have turned into a running, screaming, Tiki torch a long time ago.

-It’s a good thing that there isn’t a naming system for children like there is for most online services. Sure would suck to be XxBillxX2285 or D1xiCutie2010.

-The true story about the Ugly Duckling got cut short. After he grew up into a swan [which is kind of magical since he was born as a fucking duck, but whatever] he started drinking heavily and doing lots of blow, started sleeping with loose female birds, even hens I hear, and was finally did in by being struck by a golf ball at a local golf course. He’s said to be buried just off the putting green on hole number eight.

-If your marriage has lasted longer than the wedding cake, then you’re off to a good start. Don’t mess it up now.

-If someone mentions to you that love comes in all shapes in sizes then they’re just trying to hint that maybe you should try to date heftier people… or midgets.

-Most people stop collecting and displaying stuffed animals once they discover that they can be posed in amusing and awkward sexual positions.

-If you’re in a relationship, no question will proceed more fights and arguments than “Where have you been?”

-”You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” – Walter C. Hagen

-I sure could go for a snow cone right about now.

That White Picket Fence

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-There’s nothing more dangerous that a girl with legs who knows how to use them.

-Your flirty love letter could quickly become mistaken for a death threat with just a few punctuation errors. For example, “Drop dead gorgeous.” and “Drop dead, gorgeous.” Always proof read.

-”No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.” – Alfred Smith

-My only hope is that after a few more years of global warming, we’ll be able to get two summer breaks every year.

-When you get older tell them not to worry, it’s not a bald spot, it’s just a solar panel for a sex machine.

-I ordered a mail order bride, but it looked like the UPS guy dropped the package a few times, so I had to return her.

-No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a good storyteller. That’s why every time you tattle you should always embellish and elaborate well beyond the bounds of reality.

-People continue to validate my inherent mistrust of strangers.

-If you went to a very believable fortuneteller and she told you that you would die while making love, would you abstain from sex? I’d just go with it; I don’t think there’s a better way to die.

-I am declaring a war on all polyester/cotton blends.

-I hate grammar with a passionate.

-The problem with faking your death is that you can only do it once, so you have to make sure that the problems and predicaments you are in will surely be resolved when your bus full of poisonous snakes and large amounts of fireworks “suddenly” explodes.

-Leopard print -anything- isn’t sexy.

-If a fifth of Scotch doesn’t solve your problems, try another fifth.

-There are night owls, early birds, and then there’s me. I’m more of a mid-day duckling.

-I enjoy judging others as much as I enjoy being judged, which is a way to say I hate them both.

Nothing Else I’d Rather Do

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-There are about 640 muscles in the human body, never in my life have all of them been having a good time at the same time.

-Have you ever seen some really bad or crazy haircut and thought to yourself “Man, they must have fallen down a flight of stairs with a pair of scissors in one hand and a weed whacker in the other.”?

-If I could go back and do it all again, I’d a hire a midget to stay in my backpack and do all of my school work for me.

-Making out is really cool until you lose your virginity, then it’s just another tedious step in the process of getting to what you’re really after: which is love, true everlasting love, of course. What did you think I meant?

-Every time I throw coins into a wishing well I make the same wish. I always wish that I had more coins to throw into it.

-”Sexting” is the hottest new trend for paying ridiculous phone prices to get a little bit of excitement. Nothing gives that feeling of a sexy private moment like anonymous and heavily abbreviated text messages sent every few minutes. “I’m going to rub your…” [two minutes and $0.99 later] “…back to relax you. Then I’ll take off my…” [two more minutes and another $0.99] “…fur coat because it sure is hot.” Perhaps this is the real reason why our economy is in the shitter. Poor money management.

-My finals are finally over, finally. So this weekend I’m going to drink until I develop methyphobia (a fear of alcohol).

-If someone asks you the hypothetical question about being stranded on an island and only being able to bring one thing and you answer anything other than an airplane or a boat, you’re stupid.

-Are you open-minded? [video link: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/totocacapouet/video/x8uei4_openmindedness_tech ]

-”My heart belongs to you, but my cock is community property.” – Steel Panther

-It’s impossible to sound stern or serious while saying “Okie-dokie!”

-Having an antidepressant addiction is the happiest bad habit you could possibly have.

-Today is International Bra Free Day. I’ll give you ladies a minute to unclasp and get comfy… Okay, now take a picture and send it to me it just might reduce your chances of breast cancer. Well, not the sending the picture part, but the freeing of the breastesses has proven to be better for your health.

-When you can’t say anything nice shut the fuck up, please.

Bathroom Stall Of Fame

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-I made my spring resolutions today. You know what spring resolutions are, right? They’re the second chance at the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broke. There’s also such a thing as fall resolutions if you still can’t keep your promises to yourself. On the other hand however, there is not such thing as summer resolutions. All bets are off for the summertime.

-I want to live on the moon. Then I wouldn’t have to mow the fucking grass.

-Before I die, I want to be involved in a huge city mob. I want to be that guy in the background with the flaming torch who yells “Let’s get him guys!”

-Bad luck is trying to catch a suicidal person as they jump from a roof and in turn the weight of their body landing on you kills you but lets them walk away unscathed.

-You know an expression I really miss? “Insane with the membrane.”

-Twilight isn’t a vampire movie per say. It’s actually a documentary of a pale high school kid who is constantly making funny faces in between reapplying large amounts of hair gel and stalking innocent girls while they sleep.

-I don’t do drugs because almost 5% of them are smuggled into the country rectally. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.

-You know why they haven’t changed the Slinky? You can’t improve perfection.

-I wore a calculator watch when I was younger. Not because it was convenient, not because I was a dork, I wore it because I cheated on math tests.

-”Incest” is a really hilarious typo when you mean “insect”. Especially when talking about incest repellant spray or when you’re telling a story about how you had to slap the incest right off your face!

-Unless you’re a bee farmer you have absolutely no reason to ever, ever, say “None of your bees wax.”

-Did you know that Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol?

-I order all of my condoms online. There’s no better way to guarantee a safe, secure, contraceptive than to have it delivered to my house in the mid afternoon by the delicate hands of a postal worker only to me left on my doorstep for hours until I arrive home.

-I enjoy pulling people’s legs. Not jokingly, I mean literally: I enjoy hiding under things and pulling people’s appendages as they stroll by. It makes me giggle.