Tag Archives: animals

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

All Over It Like A Wet Sweater

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-My birthday wish this year will be for a fire breathing unicorn. Wish me luck!

-You know the expression “April showers bring May flowers”? Well here in Houston, Texas we’ve been behind most of April, so to meet our quota we are getting all of April’s showers in the form of 4 days of torrential downpour.

-It’s not polite to point, so I gawk instead.

-One of the reasons why you yawn is because you need to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. So when you yawn, the pressure change outside of your eardrums unbalances other people’s eardrum pressures so they must yawn also to even it out. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why yawns are contagious.

-Even if you aren’t a fan of Tool, I suggest you watch this video demonstrating the Fibonacci number sequence in Tool’s “Lateralus”. It’s very interesting and if not only pure coincidence: genius. [Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS7CZIJVxFY&fmt=18 ]

-Despite how disgusting it sounds, cheese in an aerosol can was a really great idea.

-When one door is locked, hope that a window was left open. That’s the burglar’s version of the similar motto.

-Clarissa Explains It All was a good damn show. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

-On Tuesday the Senate unanimously passed a bill that would make it a third degree felony for anyone to have sex with an animal in Florida. That’s a step forward, rest assured everyone.

-When working on our homework together, my ex asked me what the capitol of Paris was. I told her she reminds me of a lava lamp; fun to look at, but not very bright. She never let me live it down.

-The first publicized robot attack and it’s a whopping two years after the fact. A worker was performing maintenance on a robot designed to lift heavy rocks when the robot suddenly came to life then picked up and nearly chocked the worker to death. The worker managed to escape its grasp but suffered four broken ribs among other serious injuries. [Source article: http://www.thelocal.se/19120.html ]

-Pro Tip: If there is a zipper going down your butt crack your pants are probably on backwards.

-Before any night of partying, I seclude myself in a quiet room and evaluate my goals for the evening: I will not spend more than the cash I have in my wallet, I will not make a fool of myself, I will not get thrown up on, I will not throw up on others. Then I put on my tuxedo shirt and flip flops and head out on the town.