Tag Archives: attack

Nonsense Poopy Pants

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-I really hate to spoil things, but I was kinda of lost at the end of Transformers 2 when they all fell into the volcano and somehow traveled back in time to fight dinosaurs. I’m not sure how that was relevant to the storyline, but the effects were amazing!

-There is no polite way to ask someone to remove their head from their own ass. The closest I’ve got was “Would you kindly remove your cranium from your rectum, please.”

-I’m glad I don’t have any of those tacky MySpace friends that post those glittery graphics for totally random occasions.

-The world needs less glitter anyway. Glitter is just a half ass way to make something that’s shit look a little less shitty.

-You’re more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark… unless you’re a seal. If you’re a seal you can pretty much remove the lightning part from the equation.

-While we’re over here trying to figure out the future of our healthcare system and saving countless businesses from bankruptcy, over in Sweden they are voting on allowing women to bathe topless at any location, private or public. Lucky for them, it was a success! Swedish women can now let it all hang out with the men. If I lived there, the first thing I’d do would be to throw a pool party in celebration!

-The expression “whisper sweet nothings in their ear” doesn’t mean to actually whisper “sweet nothings”.

-$5,000 dollars could buy a pretty decent sent of fake boobs for your girl [or yourself] or you could spend them on 8,745 glow sticks. Life is all about choices and this is one of the tough ones, I promise.

-Don’t get into a fight in a lobby because you can’t slam a revolving door shut on your way out.

-My last birthday wish was for people to celebrate my birthday everyday from now on. Needless to say that wish didn’t come true, but neither did my other wishes for Angelina Jolie to pop out of my birthday cake. I’m losing hope quickly here and I’m almost certain that wishes do not come true at all.

-In the words of the great Lynyrd Skynyrd “You can’t always trust your woman, you can’t always trust your best friend. Beware of the ones you need, they might be the ones who do you in.”

-Irony is bleeding to death from a paper cut you got from the edge of a Get Well Soon card.

All Over It Like A Wet Sweater

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-My birthday wish this year will be for a fire breathing unicorn. Wish me luck!

-You know the expression “April showers bring May flowers”? Well here in Houston, Texas we’ve been behind most of April, so to meet our quota we are getting all of April’s showers in the form of 4 days of torrential downpour.

-It’s not polite to point, so I gawk instead.

-One of the reasons why you yawn is because you need to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. So when you yawn, the pressure change outside of your eardrums unbalances other people’s eardrum pressures so they must yawn also to even it out. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why yawns are contagious.

-Even if you aren’t a fan of Tool, I suggest you watch this video demonstrating the Fibonacci number sequence in Tool’s “Lateralus”. It’s very interesting and if not only pure coincidence: genius. [Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS7CZIJVxFY&fmt=18 ]

-Despite how disgusting it sounds, cheese in an aerosol can was a really great idea.

-When one door is locked, hope that a window was left open. That’s the burglar’s version of the similar motto.

-Clarissa Explains It All was a good damn show. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

-On Tuesday the Senate unanimously passed a bill that would make it a third degree felony for anyone to have sex with an animal in Florida. That’s a step forward, rest assured everyone.

-When working on our homework together, my ex asked me what the capitol of Paris was. I told her she reminds me of a lava lamp; fun to look at, but not very bright. She never let me live it down.

-The first publicized robot attack and it’s a whopping two years after the fact. A worker was performing maintenance on a robot designed to lift heavy rocks when the robot suddenly came to life then picked up and nearly chocked the worker to death. The worker managed to escape its grasp but suffered four broken ribs among other serious injuries. [Source article: http://www.thelocal.se/19120.html ]

-Pro Tip: If there is a zipper going down your butt crack your pants are probably on backwards.

-Before any night of partying, I seclude myself in a quiet room and evaluate my goals for the evening: I will not spend more than the cash I have in my wallet, I will not make a fool of myself, I will not get thrown up on, I will not throw up on others. Then I put on my tuxedo shirt and flip flops and head out on the town.

Eyes Wide Mouth Shut

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-Creativity is a pool, a public pool in fact. And well, sometimes a kid poops in your pool and everyone has to get out until the mess is all cleaned up.

-A teacher gave me her home phone number once. Said she wanted to talk with me about my dangling participle.

-Due to the recession, everything is taking a cutback, even the cake and cake stripper industry. Due to the tough economic times, bachelor parties, birthday parties, and first communions have had to resort to hiring midget and amputee strippers to cut back on the cost of the giant cake needed for the strippers to pop out of.

-Dumb people should die. On Saturday, a lady at the Berlin zoo thought it’d be a good idea to hop over the large cement wall and dive into the water with polar bears during feeding time. They then began to nibble on her plump fat rolls. [Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html#cnnSTCVideo ] Original article, pictures and video of the attack available at the link. It’s not that violent, but some might find the video disturbing: she’s plump, she’s soaking wet, and life rafts are breaking in half as rescuers try to hoist her to safety… Oh yeah, and there are some bears trying to eat her.

-It’s fine if you want to have Jesus as your co-pilot, but I don’t recommend him as your D.D.

-You know a shitty feeling? Doing your tax return and finding out you actually owe the government money instead.
 
-You know an even shittier feeling? Getting a tattoo and one of the words are spelt wrong.

-The only bunnies I care to hear about on Easter weekend are the Playboy bunnies. In fact, they’re the only bunnies I ever care to hear about. Fuck bunnies. “Fuck bunnies” should be the new slang for couples who procreate too frequently.

-Being able to confidently walk up to a cash register and purchase a tub of lube says a lot about your character.

-I have many ambitions in life; one is to spend a week being nothing but cougar meat, and by cougar I do not mean the feline.

-The best nights of your life won’t be spent sleeping.

-Keep this secret between just you and me, but you’re favorite reader. Seriously, you’re great.