Douchebaggery – The “Am I Total Douche” Hand Guide

Here’s a little list to determine if you qualify to be a gigantic douche. Pictures and examples included.

Before we get knee deep in vinegar though, we need to get the basic facts out of the way first. The generally accepted definition of a “douchebag” is someone who posses a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance, who engages in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

-Being a douchebag is like any other fun disease in the fact that it’s contagious.

 

Example 1 - Douche Group

Example 1 - Douche Group

-Like many other plagues on today’s culture, being a douchebag is a fad. It’s a trend that will eventually go the way of the dodo and the rest of the world will let out a big sigh of relief. Because, there for a moment, adults feared that the future of our species would be a collection of abundant hair gel products and fake tanning bronzer.

-Some people have made a living off being a douchebag. Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are two great examples.

Example 2 - Famous Douche

Example 2 - Famous Douche

-That’s right; you don’t have to be a guy to be a douchebag anymore. Like I said, it’s contagious.

-Although the term “douchebag” is used pretty much exclusively in the United States, thanks to modern amenities like television and the glorious internet, douchebaggery is spreading across the globe. Here are some Swedish d-bags:

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

-This brings me to another common practice of these Oompa Loompas: pointing in random directions during photographs. It’s as if they are actually telling us “Don’t take a picture of me; there is actually someone of depth and integrity over there to the left.”

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

-Even disagreeing with them as much as I do, the fact is, douchebags do get the ladies attention. Take this lucky douche for example:

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

-Maybe the girls like them because they both use the same Maybelline products or maybe it’s because these vinegar bags spend more time at the mall than the girls do. Who knows.

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

-Like all trends though, it’s not for everyone, and not all girls are fans of douchebags [luckily].

Example 7 - Busted Douche

Example 7 - Busted Douche

-I’ll be counting down the days until this trend fades out of existence. Until then however, don’t be a complete tool.

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

When The Cows Come Home To Roost

-I suffered four days of water torture, had most of my toenails removed, and was nearly electrocuted to death as the investigators just kept asking me the same question over and over again: Where’s Waldo?

-The one day of the year I go green is tomorrow: Saint Patrick’s Day. My clothes will be green, my beer will be green, and consequently, my pee will be green.

-I’d like to have a coat made out of the bath mat material; warm, soft, and mildew resistant.

-The year that doors were invented I bet masturbation went up at least 200%.

-If you’re blind you kind of have to be organized. If you don’t put stuff back where it belongs your bowl of cereal could become a bowl of Cascade dish soap drizzled over a handful of bolts. Not to mention that you’ll be eating them out of your cats food bowl instead of your favorite Batman plastic bowl.

-”More fun than a barrel of monkeys.” I’m not sure if this expression refers to the plastic toy or a literal barrel of live monkeys. Honestly, neither sound like very much fun to me.

-It takes a whole lot of bad behavior to get kicked out of IHOP.

-In 207 BC, Chrysippus, a Greek philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs. Story of my life.

-Which do you think came first; the giant q-tip people fight with on American Gladiators or the q-tip we use to clean our ears?

-It should be a rule that anytime you tell your significant other that you are going to take a shower that it be taken as an open invitation to join.

-During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men’s beards. I’m not sure if the tax was measured by number of hairs, length of hair, or overall weight of the beard, but I’m sure Gillette would love a tax like that today.

-I don’t smoke, but I still complain with my friends about the rising price of tobacco products.

-Floral patterns have no place in my life.

-The problem with truth is its lack of elaborate embellishment.

-I’ll make all of your dreams come true for the small monthly fee of $29.95!