Tag Archives: baseball

Thanks For The Venom

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-I’d like to see a lumberjack try to get aboard an airplane with a suitcase full of axes and a chainsaw as his carryon.

-Your success at living with scars isn’t determined by how well you conceal them, but by how proudly you display them, acknowledge them, and understand what you’ve learned from them.

-Someone needs to invent a machine that juggles jugglers.

-“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” –Jean Cocteau

-There’s slang a night owl and an early bird, but what about someone who is out in the afternoon? Perhaps “late rooster”? Or maybe “mid-day duckling”?

-I bet whichever Jack jumping-jacks were named after was a real obnoxious prick.

-If you’ve made the decision to drink all day then there’s no problem with starting early.

-I just came up with a great idea for a sequel: Old Yeller 2: Yeller’s Revenge… in 3D.

-Fun Fact: One sperm has 37.5MB worth of DNA information in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer rate of 529GB per second.

-I’m Blame Game World Champion four years running now!

-If a baseball player hits a homerun, but dies before he can run around the bases, does the homerun still count?

-There are two situations I never want to be in: one is to be stuck on a two person bicycle with The Flash and the other is the situation we’re in right now.

-Guys with erectile dysfunction have mourning wood issues.

-I’ve been breaking hearts since before Pat Benatar made it cool.

To See Like Your Eyes Do

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-I sold my soul to a pawn shop for a fake Rolex watch, a 20″ television, and an old acoustic guitar.

-I must not be American. Fuck baseball, fornication is my favorite pastime.

-If I was in your shoes, my feet would be pretty uncomfortable.

-”You’re about as helpful as a scented candle in a used diaper recycling factory.”

-In Boy Scouts, I think you get a badge for being molested by your Scout Leader and not telling your parents about it.

-This weekend I start filming my new documentary style series. It’s called Grannies Gone Wild, should be pretty awesome.

-Is the Vice President’s wife called the second lady? Or do we stop numbering them after the first? If so, why even bother numbering them in the first place?

-I don’t believe in reincarnating into an animal because I’d like to hope that I won’t come back to this little blue marble as a cow meandering around through life just to be slaughtered and turned into a couple dozen Big Mac burgers. And I don’t believe in reincarnating as an object because I’d like not to come back as a bottle of personal lubricant. I’d rather just die and stay dead thank you very much.

-I’m a failed romantic. I had a really big crush on this girl for the longest time and things were going steady until I hired a tuba player to serenade her late one school night. After that, she wouldn’t return any of my phone calls.

-I like to be different, so I always eat my popsicles from the stick end first.

-What triggers inside the brain that makes you say to yourself “I want to be a monk! I want to wear pajamas all day long and hum to myself all the time.”

-Do not run while holding scissors or while carrying an angry anaconda.

-”Just because you caught me with my pants down doesn’t mean you have to slam my dick in the door.”

-What does the Tooth Fairy do with all of those teeth? Does she use them as bricks to build an enormous castle? Does she melt them down and turn them into fine jewelry? Come on. Why the fuck would anyone want all those teeth? If you’re going to make a fable, at least have the story flushed out to add some plausibility.

-You can’t learn to love until you learn to lose.