Tag Archives: bathroom

So Awesome It Hurts When I Pee

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-I can’t dance; I don’t even pretend to be okay at it. So, at parties I just tell people I have a basal ganglia problem and they leave me alone about it. Unfortunately, then they spread rumors thinking it’s an STD I have and not a brain disorder.

-I start every social gathering with a lovely chorus of “If You’re Happy And You Know It”. I just add the line “If you’re not happy, then get the fuck out.” It’s a quick way to weed out the depressed people that are sure to start drama once they consume alcohol.

-As you get older, the number of dots needed to make a connect-the-dots puzzle fun gradually increases as your worldly experiences grow and your imagination deteriorates. “It’s a giraffe. Next puzzle…” “It’s the Eifel Tower. Next…” “It’s me stabbing myself in the face with this pencil because this isn’t any fun.”

-I played so much of Assassin’s Creed II that I can speak pretty competent Italian now.

-Not sure if your new love interest is a slut/man-whore? Here’s an easy way to find out: ask them to draw a picture of the opposite sex’s private parts. If they can draw a better picture of your plumbing that you can, you’re probably dating a person who gets around faster than mono at a kissing booth.

-I find it suspicious that British people never sound British when they sing. I think their entire country is faking the accent just to be different.

-To save time with all of my bathroom visits, I finish every meal by eating two sheets of paper towels.

-It’s quite difficult to throw away a garbage can.

-If you run backwards down a flight of stairs fast enough you just might trip and hit your head really hard and forget who you are. That’s not quite like time travel, but it’s pretty close if you really think about it.

-You know it’s Christmas time if even when checking out online, there is a wait time and they’re out of shopping carts.

-I have a great idea! Caffeine is an appetite suppressor and while you sleep your body stores fat, right? I have new diet craze ready to sweet the nation! For fourteen days I’ll drink nothing but coffee and never go to sleep! This is will be great! Come on America lets lose those muffin tops, love handles, and those man-boobs that are starting to resemble actual boobs!

-Never play hide and seek with your Alzheimer grandma. If you can’t find her, she just might stay hidden inside the basement closet until she withers away to dust.

-”Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.”

In My Opinion, Dinosaurs Still Rule The Earth

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-Which do you think kills more people annually: hula-hoops or flame throwers?

-It’s hard to be a cashier at a pharmacy and legitimately ask people how they’re doing today when they are buying a gallon of Pepto-Bismol, flu relief medicine, cold sore cream, and three different ointments for who knows what!

-When I was younger I thought of the future as bright and happy, everyone zipping around in hover cars, and robots doing all of our daily work. Now when I think of the future, I imagine dolphins swimming in a sea of discarded plastic water bottles, robots taking revenge and ruthlessly killing every human in sight, and no more factories making clean fresh underwear.

-Bad luck is getting stung by a bee while carrying a bouquet of silk flowers.

-Here’s a little known fact: Betty Crocker burnt down he house when she tried to make her first batch of cupcakes with her Easy Bake Oven.

-If you found a $100 bill floating in a dirty toilet bowl in a public restroom, would you fetch it out? If it was $10,000 would you get the bills out with using only your teeth? If so, you’d be eligible to be on my upcoming reality television show, Fear This Big Brother Survivor In The Real World Eat Nasty Things Vs The Wild.

-Sometimes you feel like a nut – sometimes you feel like a pistachio.

-I want to live in a house with a hedge maze in the front yard. When people come over I’ll know it’s something important since it took them 45 minutes to an hour just to find my front door. After knocking, they’ll be disappointed when I call for them to step inside and they realize I live in a house of mirrors.

-Most people’s biggest concern about space travel is how to astronauts poop in zero gravity.

-Photos are good for reminding you of things you’d like to forget about: exes, deceased loved ones, times that will never be again, things lost over the years. It’s your memories (skewed, perverse, and bias) that keep the pleasant thoughts of your past in a bright light of insurmountable glory.

-If you’re big enough to feed a cannibalistic family of 5, then maybe it’s time to go to the gym a bit more often.

-Emo pick-up line: The depression really brings out the tears in your eyes.

-Quit before your ratings drop and you’re forgotten.

I Told You So

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-I’m filled with so much passion and desire that sometimes it feels like I’m actually on fire.

-The world needs more sprinkle toppings.

-Running into a bathroom and yelling “I’m going to blow this place up” is not the same as running into a post office and yelling the same thing.

-If you’re going to verbally dig yourself a hole, you might as well dig yourself an eloquent one.

-Your importance is justified by how many birthday cakes you have for one single birthday. This year I got two. I’m pretty sure that makes me second in importance only to the President.

-When you work a dead-end retail job, a girl coming into the store wearing a damp bikini is your holy grail.

-They should just give the weather forecasts as a percentage chance to hear someone else bitch about the weather. “There’s a 35% chance you’ll run into someone that’ll claim that its ‘hot as hell outside.’ With a slight chance of ‘we really need the rain.’”

-Kung Fudge – the art of eating sweet delights without anyone else finding out and/or possibly asking you for a piece.

-Wearing headphones in public is useful for two things: it lets the wearer drown out all of the stupid people around them and, for the non-headphone wearers, it identifies who all of the self-important pricks are.

-Holding a pie-eating contest is not a sound way to pick your future wife.

-All television shows should have a mandatory big dance number in every episode.

-Disney World, happiest place on earth? Not this week. A monorail crash early Sunday morning killed one of the train operators. Sixteen people have died in the park since 1989.

-I’m a new weight watchers diet. I get a part time job at a fast food joint and I watch all the customers get fatter.

-You know you’re popular in prison when you get an invitation to the Cell Block B annual slumber party.

-Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick after all.

Bathroom Etiquette For Men And Women

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Due to a rampant increase in the number of violations of the unspoken rules of the commode, I felt obligated to make this week’s focused post about the etiquette of public washrooms.

I am a man. In my life I have only been in a women’s bathroom three times and none of those times was to actually use the restroom. So, for the ladies’ part of this I enlisted the help of Suzie S., a fellow sufferer of my Microeconomics class. I wanted to link to something online of hers, but when I searched for her on Facebook, MySpace, and even Twitter, I could not find her anywhere on the internet. This leads me to believe that Suzie is either A) an illegal alien, B) a fugitive, or C) an actual space alien. Anyways, on to the guide…

WOMEN:
-Like the urinal man laws, it is recommended for ladies to choose the stall furthest from any other matrons. The only exception is when there are few stalls or a line has formed and you are pressured to hurry.

-Noise should be kept to a strict minimum. No one wants to hear your business or your straining.

-Similar to the men’s rules, conversation while in the lavatory should be limited to your friends when near the sink area. Conversations between stall walls only lead to awkwardness for the other users inside the bathroom.

-The conversation guidelines are relaxed while inside a bathroom at a bar or club where slightly intoxicated and giggly girls are more plentiful.

-Flush, always flush and then flush again for safety sake.

-When disposing feminine products, hide them in a way that you would hide a personal diary when you were younger. No one wants to see these things, dispose of them in an adequate fashion.

-When undecided if you are willing to sit on the seat or just crouch over it due to safety concerns or a possible hygienic safety breach, remember that the noise rules still apply and whichever way you decided to conduct your business, noise should be kept to a minimum.

-The use of cell phones is not permitted inside the restroomateria.

-When applying makeup at the sink counter, please be prompt. The primary purpose of the sink is clean your hands, the secondary purpose is to aid matrons in coloring themselves up to look like skanks.

MEN:
-Under no circumstances are you to use the urinal exactly next to another patron. Always choose the urinal that is furthest from anyone else. If this choice is not possible than you shall use a stall.

-If only urinating in a stall, it is appropriate to leave the stall door open so other patrons can clearly see that you are observing the distance law, and will allow them access to a stall in merely a few seconds.

-Similar to the conversation guidelines for women, conversation should be kept to a minimum. Even if the conversing is between friends, talking should be kept to a minimum as not to scare the other occupants.

-Whenever there is a line for a busy restroom, the only acceptable comments made to strangers are statements about how there is a line and how this is starting to look like the women’s restroom.

-Noise in general should also be kept to a minimum. No one wants to hear you conducting business, nor do they want to hear your straining and grunting.

-If someone before you did not flush their #2, that stall is considered to be out of order. Use another stall/urinal.

-When at a bar or club, where the number of intoxicated guests is high, it is recommended to not touch anything inside the bathroom at all. Not flushing after a #1 is considered acceptable in these circumstances.

-You have one minute to wash your hands, but only 10 seconds to check your appearance in the mirror. Any longer than 10 seconds and you are in violation of the swiftness guideline that is to follow.

-When using the lavatory it is not a race, but it most certainly is. You are to be quick, prompt, and accurate, especially in a busy restroom.

-Eye contact should be kept to a very strict minimum.

-The use of cell phones in public washrooms is not permitted. You do not want to be texting your grandmother who is in the hospital and be mistaken for taking pictures of other users in this vulnerable location.

-Flush once, if not everything goes away, flush again. After that, it’s a maintenance problem.