Tag Archives: batteries

A Long Time Coming

Posted on by
Reply

-Which color crayons do you think taste the best?

-If you have ever thought “Well, at least Valentine’s Day isn’t an expensive holiday.” you are a woman.

-As a personal rule to myself, I try to avoid people who treat me like an umbrella. The people who let you sit there, dormant in the corner, until they need you to block the shit falling on them from the sky. Then, and only then, are you two best friends.

-But I’m a sucker for a nice smile.

-eHarmony and Match.com are the internet’s version of writing “For a good time call…” on a bathroom stall. Can’t complain though, a dates a date.

-If I had to create a PowerPoint presentation for my own funeral, I’d never die.

-If I’m ever caught in the middle of some life threatening emergency or crisis, I’m going to turn to the nearest woman and hurriedly demand “Quick! Take off your bra! I have an idea on how to get us out of here!” And then we’ll just play it by ear from there.

-Overheard on the toy aisle or adult supply store:
“Should we get extra batteries in case she doesn’t get tired of playing with it?”
“I like that it lights up and makes noises, I don’t like that it’s small enough to swallow.”
“Poseable positions and karate chop action! This is amazing!”
“I’m not sure if this will fit in my ass.”

-The beginning of the year is always the hardest for me. I can never decide on what calendar to get and most times it takes me nearly 6 months to make a decision.

-I wish I could pick my own nickname. I’d be the Cuddle Monster.

- CSI coloring book. Someone make this.

-With every new social network I hate people more and more. Funny how that works.

-The only thing filthier than my mouth is my mind, so until they come up with Abraxo Brain Cleaner, you’re just going to have to deal with it.

-It’s always going to be sour grapes with you.

Love Is Friendship Set On Fire

Posted on by
Reply

-If at first you don’t succeed and if you can’t say anything nice, make like a tree and never take no for an answer. Then turn the other cheek, get your panties in a wad, make lemonade, and beat a dead horse until the fat lady sings… Or however the saying goes.

-I’m going through a hard time in my life right now; that little awkward stage between puberty and death.

-The secret to staying young is to make forts in the living room on rainy days. The secret to staying old is walking into the living room and destroying any forts that might persist there.

-I had my own reality show, but after hours of pointless exposition and several predictable plot twists, producers realized the show was a bad idea and cancelled it before the first season ever aired.

-The Book of Eli would be just as compelling of a movie if instead of the last bible, Eli was carrying with him the last Dr. Seuss book.

-What happened to B-size batteries? There’s plenty of A’s, why no B’s?

-Nothing will get you in more trouble faster than an idea.

-Is it wrong that I have a burning desire to find those happy couples in the eHarmony television ads and purposely break them up using forged sexy e-mails and photoshopped pictures of them with other lovers?

-It’s not really summertime in Texas until getting the mail in your bare feet gives you second degree burns on the bottom of your feet.

-You’re the wind beneath my wings and the jumbo jet crushing my face.

Super Obnoxious

Posted on by
1

-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.