-Been saving up for my funeral; the laser show and pyrotechnics are gonna be awesome!

-I wish ignoring people was as easy in real life as it is on Facebook.

-Three things are certain in life: death, taxes, and awkward hard-on’s.

-Saying “in my opinion” before or adding “that’s just my opinion” to the end of every remark really makes you look like a prick. Show some confidence in your judgments and intellectual thoughts. Put your balls on the line and say how you feel unabashed for a change.

-I occasionally frolic, but only when no one is looking.

-There are just some things in life you’re better off not knowing, like what your crush really thinks of you and what hotdogs are made of.

-I carry the burdens of others, not to seem strong, but to empower those who feel weakened.

-A good imagination can get you out of most any trouble, and I mean really deep, deep shit.

-A dentist giving out candy to all of his patients is a good example of ensuring future business.

-When you’re stuck with a problem you can’t solve, banging your head against a wall is only a solution if you need a perfectly head-shaped dent in a wall.

-1:00 AM is my new 9:00 PM now. Unfortunately though, 7:00 AM is still the same shitty 7:00 AM.

-Wishing myself away, until I hear you begging me to stay.