Tag Archives: books

It’s Called Mainstream Because Of Its Shallowness

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-I got a lifetime subscription to “MotorBoating” magazine. I was disappointed when I found out it was actually a boating magazine.

-Don’t judge books by their covers. I read the first and last pages and then make up the rest. Reading is for suckers anyway, right?

-An easy way to avoid arguments with the missus about not lifting the toilet seat is to simply use the sink.

-If you can’t stand the heat then I wouldn’t recommend picking the flamethrower or the napalm grenades from the armory.

-Selfishness is turning a “ribbed for her pleasure” condom inside out so you can enjoy it.

-You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider. That’s exactly why I avoid social celebrations as often as possible.

-Is it weird that I still make airplanes noises when I’m eating from a spoon?

-Nothing describes someone’s ugliness better than using the expression “freaky deaky”.

-It’s not a man’s commitment issues or his intimacy issues that make him unsuitable for long term relationships; it’s our hormones making us what to sleep with everything issues.

-I like being around people who are listening to music so loud through their headphones that I can actually sing along to the music. I’m sure it freaks them out when a total stranger is singing along perfectly to Billie Jean. I’ll even top if off with a hand-tap-heel-spin-around-crotch-grab-scream move before I moonwalk my way into the next room.

-If there were hot, naked, green women on Mars, we would have been there decades ago.

-I give free mammograms on the weekends. It’s just a hobby right now, but I’ll go pro someday.

Hippies

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-If for some crazy reason Texas does succeed from the United States, I think we should change our motto from just “Don’t mess with Texas” to “Mess with Texas and Texas is going to fuck you up.” Just my two cents.

-After seeing machines harm humans so much in Terminator Salvation, I just had to come home from the movie and beat my toaster with a bat until it apologized for every piece of bread it burnt.

-Have you ever realized that Mother’s Day gifts are typically decorative or whimsical while Father’s Day gifts are almost always purposeful or functional? You find me a girl that wants a power saw and a 12-in-1 ratchet set and I’ll find you a guy that wants a summer dress and a decorative cat sculpture to go in his foyer.

-They say to never judge a book by its cover, which is exactly why I judge them by their title page and the amount of blank pages after the story.

-Ancient Egyptians believed that life was a quest for spiritual ascension which unfolded in stages. Twelve, to be exact, and a thirteenth step was your spirits entrance into the afterlife. If you turned your life into a television show, you’d have only about three months to show your audience the story of your life, showing one episode a week. You’d have to cover birth, adolescence, adulthood, old age, and death. Life is short. Life is too short to be wasted.

-Who do you think would be more vicious: Yogi after you take his picnic basket or Winnie the Pooh after you steal his honey jar?

-When eating inside you always look for a spot with a clean table, when you are eating outside you always look for a place that has a clean seat.

-I can’t wait for video games to become so realistic that if you don’t complete a mission in time your own house will actually burst into flames.

-Amateur night at a strip club is a bunch of girls who come out on stage and actually put more and more clothes on.

-New Jersey is the state with the greatest number of hazardous waste sites, 96 of them to be exact. You get pissed when you step in dog poop, imagine getting out of your car and stumbling on a banana peel, falling onto a soiled diaper, and cutting you eye on a dirty syringe… and they are all radioactive.

-I got in trouble for feeding a police officer’s horse a bag of Cheetos once.

-That’s a lie. That never happened, but it’d be pretty funny wouldn’t it; a horse with Cheeto residue all over his muzzle?

-You know, I haven’t heard anything from the Itty Bitty Titty Committee in quite some time now. I wonder if they’re still around.

-Times; they are a changin’, bitches.

It’s Always Something

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It’s Always Something

-I hope that when robots take over the world I’ll be able to work as a parts lubricator. That job sounds a lot more enjoyable than being liquefied and turned into a biofuel.

-Martha Stewart doesn’t play Rock, Paper, Scissors; she plays Drain Plug, Bath Mat, Shower Curtain.

-If your nanny arrives at your house floating down from the sky on a flying umbrella, either you’re tripping balls or your parents called the magician hotline instead of the babysitter hotline.

-Before I read any book, I go online and read the book’s climax. If it doesn’t grab me, I don’t buy it… I also enjoy looking at their covers. Covers are a really important part of any of the books I read.

-When someone says that something has all of the “bells and whistles” it doesn’t really impress me. I don’t typically want bells or whistles on anything I own.

-I take that last comment back, if there was a procedure to make a woman’s breasts honk when you squeezed them, I might be somewhat interested.

-This Saturday at 8:30pm is Earth Hour. Earth Hour is a program sponsored by the WWF [unfortunately, not the wrestling federation], World Wildlife Fund. This program is asking for everyone to turn off all of their lights for one hour in an effort to save energy and help the environment. Unfortunately, the byproduct of asking everyone to turn off their lights for an hour on a Saturday night is a mass amount of simultaneous reproduction. It’s already been proven in previous incidents of power outages that when the television doesn’t work and computers are turned off, everyone’s favorite pastime is bumping uglies. So we save 60 minutes of electricity and provide the world with an extra million mouths to feed. Good idea, but this won’t save the planet. [More details about Earth Hour here: http://www.earthhour.org]

-I’d like everyone to give the deranged lunatics of the world a big round of applause. If it wasn’t for them, our news channels would be so bland and boring.

-You know a girl is excessively rich when she hires an interior decorator for her private parts.

-Nothing says “I’m a gigantic prick!” like a popped collar.

-I’d watch golf if they only played during thunderstorms and they added landmines to the golf course.

-I haven’t folded socks it almost 8 years now. I’m pretty sure my sock drawer is haunted, so I don’t open it anymore.