Tag Archives: bras

More Forgiving Than The Waistband On A Pair Of Sweatpants

Posted on by
Reply

-Sometimes it takes a violent zombie attack to really show you what you’re made of.

-I know a movie plot that would please both the men and the women in the audience. It will start off as a typical romantic comedy and then in the third act robots will suddenly show up and kill all of the main characters, the end.

-I don’t give in to peer pressure, I surrender to it.

-There could be a very interesting string of commercials resulting from Smoothie King and Burger King merging. Each one showing their struggle to gain control of a marketing region, spilt ketchup packets and fruit skins littering a battlefield, napkins covering the remains of smashed fries, and battle equipment made from straws and plastic cups.

-Having a romantic moment in the rain can be as simple as being completely naked under your $5 rain poncho.

-”Sneaky as a slug” seems like a completely legitimate expression that ought to exists.

-People who aren’t handicapped that park in handicap parking spaces should be made handicap.

-You can play the air guitar and look kinda cool, you can play air drums and show everyone you have great rhythm, but when you play the air harmonica, everyone will just think you’re mimicking the actions of eating corn on the cob and they’ll just stare at you.

-I’m a third generation paper airplane builder. My father’s father taught him, my father taught me, and I’ll be sure to teach my children the dying art form of constructing paper flying contraptions.

-If you were to give up wearing underwear, you’d have about forty-five minutes of extra free time each year.

-You never see a series of violent finger paintings. I think it’s because once you get the paint all over your hands you can’t help but enjoy yourself as you make a huge mess.

-Someone needs to make a sitcom about an Italian mob family trying to kill Houdini. Every week they find him, chain him up, and throw in lake, yet he escapes every time.

-Does lint go from your pocket to your belly button or from your belly button to your pocket?

-Give a man a fish and he’ll be fed for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will be fed until he slowly dies of mercury poisoning.

-Under-wire bras; I can’t think of any better use of metal wire, can you?

Douchebaggery

Posted on by
Reply

-If painting your face green, having several Baileys shots, talking in an accent, and drinking green beer all night doesn’t make you Irish then I just don’t know what will.

-I am at a point of great irresolute. Which is better; coconut bras or seashell bras?

-If I made the rules, every restaurant would give you crayons and every table would have a paper tablecloth.

-There must be a How-To book out there about how to force your opinions on others and make them give a shit, because I’m starting to care. I gotta watch that.

-A weird person is someone who keeps their cremated relative in a see-through glass container.

-On all of my travels, I’m going to bring home a bar of soap from the hotel I stayed at. When I turn 55 I’m going to melt all of the bars of soap into one giant block. From that block I’m going to carve something amazing to remember my travels by. I’m a pretty terrible sculptor so when you look at it, you’ll probably need to use a lot of your own imagination. It’s going to be so awesome though, just wait!

-While filming a segment of the movie The Twilight Zone (1983), a helicopter was flew too low to avoid the explosions of the pyrotechnics. The blast severed the tail rotor and the helicopter spun out of control and crashed, decapitating two actors with its blades and crushing another.

-I think I could get into a rapper named DJ Jazzy Ice Cream Sprinkles.

-Doesn’t it bother you that you can’t make phone calls with headphones, head-PHONES? I lose sleep, honestly.

-I admire well laid plans, especially when they don’t work out and the sloppy hastily-made plans prevail.

-Your mom is so fat she doesn’t need the internet – she’s already world wide.

-I’m just kidding about that last one; your mom is a really swell lady.

-Albert Einstein’s last words went unheard. Unfortunately for him, his nurse didn’t speak German. I bet he said something really deep and meaningful. Something he planned for years and years to be the most eloquent words any dying man could ever manage to muster. Such a shame. Such is life.