Tag Archives: breast implants

Mischief, Mayhem, And Meanderings

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-Being in debt is a good way to really see what you’re worth; knee caps $10,000 each, fingers $1,500 each, legs are about $2,000, and each finger and toenail is about $200.

-”…And for the next contestant of the Talent portion of this year’s Miss America Pageant, Susie May is going to perform long division!”

-First there were no machines. Then, when we called people we really hoped we didn’t have to talk to a machine. Now, when we visit websites, we have to prove that we are not machines.

-There is a special point in life when you realize that the list of things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you will eventually do.

-Good news travels fast; bad news is always running about five minutes late.

-It’s impossible to reach Zen with pants on.

-Time is only one person’s side and that’s Time’s.

-British mum and four of her daughters get breast implants. [Article source: http://www.mirror.co.uk/life-style/kids-and-family/2009/07/12/mum-and-four-daughters-spend-40-000-on-nine-boob-ops-115875-21512369/ ] Unfortunately, they’re all blondes.

-Your momma is so fat that if she was a magician she’d have to vanish into fat air.

-”Up shit creek without a paddle” is just a roundabout way of saying the same expression of “It’s time you roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty.”

-It’s a good thing that dinosaurs aren’t around anymore. If they were, there’d probably a rights activist group and there would never be another movie about people having to kill rampant dinosaurs in order to escape a freak-show of an amusement park on some tropical island.

-Falling into a vat of cotton candy is a sticky situation I think everyone wants to be in.

-”Filthy rich” is when you’re wearing $200 underwear and $500 jeans and you shit yourself and you don’t care.

-Be an impressive motherfucker, be honest and be yourself.

-The jig is up, the news is out, they’ve finally found me;
The renegade who had it made, retrieved for a bounty;
Never more to go astray, this will be the end today.

From Bad To Worse

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Bad: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while on a construction site.
Worse: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while in a port-o-potty.

Bad: Getting lost in the woods and having to eventually eat your friend in order to survive.
Worse: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by your friend for their survival.

Bad: Go on a fishing trip but come back with no fish.
Worse: Go on a fishing trip and come back with herpes.

Bad: Forgetting your wallet in your car.
Worse: Forgetting your child in your car.

Bad: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “Intervention”.
Worse: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “To Catch A Predator”.

Bad: Sitting next to someone talking through an entire movie.
Worse: Sitting next to someone giving birth through an entire movie.

Bad: Life is getting just too tough for you so you jump off a roof.
Worse: You live and are now 3 inches shorter.

Bad: Losing your keys at a party and not remembering where you left them.
Worse: Losing your virginity at a party and not remembering who took it.

Bad: You rig up your car so you have your own makeshift ejection seat.
Worse: You accidentally eject yourself while on the bottom floor of a parking garage.

Bad: Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
Worse: Finding out your love interest is actually your sister.

Bad: You get breast implants done by a blind surgeon.
Worse: You get breast implants done by a blind, armless surgeon.

Bad: Someone tells you that you’re ugly.
Worse: Someone tells you that your face reminds them of a Picasso painting.

Bad: You fall down a flight of stairs and lose all but one of your teeth.
Worse: Afterwards, you go to the dentist and he tells you that you have a cavity.

Bad: You go down a waterslide and somehow lose your swimsuit and go down it naked.
Worse: You go down a waterslide and lose your swimsuit but then there is a freak accident and the slide is instantly drained of all its water. You skid down the dry slide inch by inch only to plop out into an empty concrete pool.

Bad: Scientists finally discover the missing link and are able to determine your exact evolutionary progress.
Worse: Scientists prove, once and for all, that you are in fact a direct descendant of a pile of dung.

Bad: You have to imagine the class in their underwear when you give a speech.
Worse: You are actually only in your underwear when you give a speech to your class.