Tag Archives: breasts

I Will Treat You Right

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-What if one day your computer becomes self-aware and tells everyone all of the horrible, horrible things you’ve been looking at?

-I bet Tyrannosaurs were the best knitters.

-“I thought she might be crazy when she saved a loose fingernail clipping of mine that got left on the bathroom floor, but when she looked straight into my eyes and asked if I could do the dishes I knew she was bat-shit crazy!”

-Dictionaries can tell a million stories. They have all the right words you just have to find the perfect order.

-It took many years and many one dollar bills, but I have finally overcome my fear of naked, uninhibited breasts.

-The most common lie told these days is “Yes, I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.”

-Nothing is worse than being embarrassed and feeling flush and then someone points out how red your face is and how embarrassed you must be. Thanks. People are such dicks.

-“Cute as a button” – what kind of weird apparel fetish do you have?

-It really upsets me when a store has double-doors but they only have one door unlocked. What kind of weird mind experiment trick are playing on me shop keeper?! I demand answers!

-“Do you know how fast you were going?” “No officer, I bought the only car on the entire planet that doesn’t have a speedometer. This sweet ride is pretty much just a Power Wheels on steroids.”

-Few things in this world could be worse than being trapped in an elevator with a mime who takes miming extremely seriously.

-Your love is a trapdoor that is a slide made of rainbows that leads to a vat of glitter that slowly swallows me like quicksand and I’m being smothered by the dazzle and choking on the magic.

Nonsense Poopy Pants

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-I really hate to spoil things, but I was kinda of lost at the end of Transformers 2 when they all fell into the volcano and somehow traveled back in time to fight dinosaurs. I’m not sure how that was relevant to the storyline, but the effects were amazing!

-There is no polite way to ask someone to remove their head from their own ass. The closest I’ve got was “Would you kindly remove your cranium from your rectum, please.”

-I’m glad I don’t have any of those tacky MySpace friends that post those glittery graphics for totally random occasions.

-The world needs less glitter anyway. Glitter is just a half ass way to make something that’s shit look a little less shitty.

-You’re more likely to be struck by lightning than attacked by a shark… unless you’re a seal. If you’re a seal you can pretty much remove the lightning part from the equation.

-While we’re over here trying to figure out the future of our healthcare system and saving countless businesses from bankruptcy, over in Sweden they are voting on allowing women to bathe topless at any location, private or public. Lucky for them, it was a success! Swedish women can now let it all hang out with the men. If I lived there, the first thing I’d do would be to throw a pool party in celebration!

-The expression “whisper sweet nothings in their ear” doesn’t mean to actually whisper “sweet nothings”.

-$5,000 dollars could buy a pretty decent sent of fake boobs for your girl [or yourself] or you could spend them on 8,745 glow sticks. Life is all about choices and this is one of the tough ones, I promise.

-Don’t get into a fight in a lobby because you can’t slam a revolving door shut on your way out.

-My last birthday wish was for people to celebrate my birthday everyday from now on. Needless to say that wish didn’t come true, but neither did my other wishes for Angelina Jolie to pop out of my birthday cake. I’m losing hope quickly here and I’m almost certain that wishes do not come true at all.

-In the words of the great Lynyrd Skynyrd “You can’t always trust your woman, you can’t always trust your best friend. Beware of the ones you need, they might be the ones who do you in.”

-Irony is bleeding to death from a paper cut you got from the edge of a Get Well Soon card.

We’re All Unique Individuals

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-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.

-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.

-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.

-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.

-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.

-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.

-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]

-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!

-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.

-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.

-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]

-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.

Juxtapose – Posing Your Juxta And How To Get Noticed

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-When in doubt, resort to violence.

-I wear headphones everywhere I go. I don’t always listen to music, I just always wear headphones. It keeps the stupid people from talking to me.

-Eyebrows are a particular thing. Too much hair and you look goofy, too little hair and you look goofy. There’s a fine line between groomed and hysterical.

-You like superhero movies, you like hot babes, you like dripping wet hot babes in superhero movies, so you’re probably going to love Fathom. Fathom is a superhero movie featuring the best looking thing from Transformers; Megan Fox, playing an Aquaman-like heroine. [Source: http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118000796.html?categoryid=13&cs=1]

-Did you know that grapes explode when you put them in the microwave?

-I say a few curse words now and again, but people who like to be tinkled on – those are the real potty mouths!

-It’s been scientifically proven that a man’s beard grows faster when he anticipates sex.

-I wonder which woodworking accident is most common; splinters, smashed thumbs, being trapped inside a flipped port-o-potty, dismemberment, or crazy glue in your underwear?
 
-Nibble and nipple are so close in spelling for a reason.

-Leaving the house without pants on can be kind of embarrassing, but it doesn’t even hold a candle to being caught picking your nose on the jumbotron at a baseball game.

-The dot over a lowercase i is called a tittle.

-I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist, but have you noticed that rainbows are in the shape of a frown?

-If I ever become a bum and need to stand on the side of the road with a sign asking for money, I’m going to write “Need money for Kung Fu lessons.” I think I’d really be able to reach out and grab the attention of my audience.

-Meet me on the dance floor. I’ll be the one spinning in circles doing the ass-slap dance and performing realistic robot gestures in between grabbing my crotch and screaming like I’m Michael Jackson.