Tag Archives: britney spears

Hackneyed

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-There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I don’t date fish.

-If  we could regenerate lost limbs, cutting off your own leg with a table knife wouldn’t be a bad way to get out of going to work for a couple days.

-”So, Mrs. Peacock, you weren’t the least bit suspicious when Mr. White asked you to bring a wrench and a candlestick with you to the kitchen?”

-Simon says, shut the fuck up!

-Monday through Thursday you can consider me clinically deceased. I live for the weekends, explicitly, for the weekends.

-The only justice I’ve seen in the world in the past several years was when Britney Spears lost custody of her kids. Oh, and that one woman who was sentenced eight years in prison for cutting off her boyfriend’s dick with a kitchen knife.

-I want my first child to be born in one of those giant ball pits on Chuck-E-Cheese. That’s how I’d want to come into this world.

-Carpet burns never tell the whole story.

-The person you love more than anything on this planet is nearly 70% water.

-When you tell someone they have something on their face, they will always wipe the wrong side first. I just play along and tell them they got it. 

-When you receive a compliment, be ready for the request of a favor in the sentences to follow. “Man, that hat looks great on you!… Can I borrow a kidney next weekend?”

-Due to the increase of school shootings, if you browse the internet a little you can find backpacks that come with bulletproof Kevlar lining. Kind of sad, huh?

-The more popular you are, the less privacy you have. Now thanks to Facebook, you can be a broke, jobless, jerk-off, and abandon your privacy all together without even having to be in a single teenage vampire movie!

-Why is it okay to say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” but people give you weird looks when you say “I’m so hungry I could eat my neighbors and probably even their annoying little dog.”

-Opinions matter because facts don’t change.

-If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need one. If a girl doesn’t make you wear a condom, you probably should have worn three.

Cloning To-Do Checklist

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Cloning is a very real science that will likely come to fruition in our lifetime. Assuming that scientists would be able to clone any person, deceased or alive, at any stage in the subject’s life, this is the checklist of the first things that need to be done. This is how we need to get our clone on [in no particular order].

- Clone the Olsen twins. This new set will be the unwholesome ones.

- Make a duplicate of Britney Spears. I know, this sounds crazy, hear me out. We let the original be the crazy, head shaving, loving mother that she is, and the clone will be a realization of her at her peak, back when “Hit Me Baby One More Time” before she fell into the deep end of the pool without arm floaties.

Britney Spears

 -Clone the entire Seinfeld cast to bring the series back to life; the reruns are getting kind of stale now.

- Clone Michael Phelps. One can swim a whole bunch and the other can sit on the couch and smoke pot all day.

- Clone Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone in the state of their respective heydays and finally put them in an awesome action movie together.

- More Megan Fox, lots and lots more Megan Fox-es.

Megan Fox

 - Clone Mike Tyson so he can fight himself.

- Marilyn Monroe needs to be brought back. Somehow, President sex-scandals went from dames of her class to Monica Lewinsky. We need to bring her back and give Obama the real President treatment. Or if we really get efficient with this cloning business, we can make a whole bunch of her and have her pop out of cakes at everyone’s birthday party.

- My favorite comedian: George Carlin. The world needs him.

George Carlin

 - Now if we’re going to raising people from the dead so to speak, you have to mention some of the great minds from our history. Clone Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Benjamin Franklin. Let them all see just how fucked up things got while they were gone.

Abraham Lincoln