-Sam’s Club isn’t really a club – they don’t have a secret handshake.

-I want to strongly encourage creativity in my children, so when there isn’t anymore room left for drawings on the fridge, I’ll buy a bigger fridge.

-Free Willy 3? Come on! How much fucking trouble can one whale get into? You freed him once and you would think he learned his lesson the first time.

-If everyone’s fists were made out of chocolate cake, then being punched in the face would be delicious.

-When I was nine I accidentally knocked up my imaginary friend. Two years later, we got a divorce and haven’t spoken since. I have a pretty vivid imagination.

-Eventually, they’ll run out of inhabitable places and there’ll be episodes of Survivorman where Les Stroud will have survive a week trapped inside Yankee Stadium, or Survivorman: Circus Town where Les Stroud has to last the entire week going around in circles on a carousel.

-I have a wine taste on a beer budget. If only that was reversed, then I’d be content with just having a ridiculous amount of beer.

-Where do you think you would go crazy the fastest: being trapped inside a bathroom stall or being trapped inside an elevator? I need to know so that if either happens, I can tell myself, “Well it could be worse, I could be trapped inside a bathroom stall/elevator.” You’ve got to stay positive in these times of crisis.

-The word “love” has become far too common place these days, so when I’m really emotional about something I say that I adore it. Unfortunately, when my last girlfriend told me she loved me and I replied that I adore her, she broke up with me.

-There should be at least a 5 year waiting time before you can put “…Since 2008!” or “Established 2007.” on your company slogan.

-Being a clumsy person is getting peanut butter and jelly in your hair when you’re eating a grilled cheese sandwich.

-A clear conscious is a sign of a terrible memory.

-Life goes on; it always does, until it doesn’t.