Tag Archives: cannibalism

Progress In Reverse

Posted on by
1

-If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I don’t want to come back as a lonely amoeba, waddling my protoplasmic mass around, playing parasite to some unfortunate host.

-If you really had to choose, would you rather lose all of your fingers except your pinkies or would you rather lose all of your toes except the smallest ones, you know, the little piggies that went to the market?

-No one ever needs a king size candy bar. Want it as much as you’d like, but you can’t justify your body needing 10lbs of chocolate covered with a half gallon of caramel and a jars worth of crushed up peanuts.

-”You call this music? Sounds like he’s playing the piano with a garden rake strapped to his dick.”

-Nothing says “I love you” like inviting a total stranger into the bedroom for a night of fun.

-A 400lb doctor telling you that you should eat healthier is like a mother of eight telling me I should practice safe sex.

-IHOP is a classy place to take a girl on a date. The stale coffee smell and the lingering tobacco smoke go great with the delicious food and sticky tabletops.

-It was cut out of the children’s book, but Prince Charming was actually a necrophiliac and thought Sleeping Beauty was dead when he kissed her and was then somewhat disappointed when she woke up and proclaimed he was her one true love. True story.

-A pen is never truly out of ink until it fails the drawing clockwise scribbled circles test.

-Best question I’ve ever been asked: “Where can I find D-batteries and edible undergarments?”

-If I had a time machine I’d go back in time and ruin everyone’s movie going experience by spoiling the ending of every movie during the opening credits.

-I stayed in a very exotic hotel last summer; they had bath mats made out of Siamese cat fur.

-Whoever decided to call an open door “ajar” was a real ass. “The door is ajar.” “No, the door is a door; this open glass container is a jar.” “Yes, the jar is ajar as well.”

-With a little relabeling and some new box art, you could turn a regular retail grill accessory kit into a do it yourself cannibalism kit.

-There is no I in “team” but there is one in “quit” and one in “give up”.

Never Too Late To Give A Damn

Posted on by
3

-Trust me, I’m lying.

-Good Morning, Megan Fox, a video short following Megan Fox for a day. I didn’t realize her and I were so alike. We both enjoy tossing around in bed, then waking up and having a beer and a sandwhich by the pool before we dress all sexy and pose for Esquire Magazine. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! We’re like totally soul mates! [Video source: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/video/megan-fox-video ]

-The “Telephone Game” 2.0: Could you imagine the disasters that would be caused if text messages had to be sent to some central office where it would have to be transcribed by another person and then sent out to the person you were originally sending it too? “What do you mean you want to sleep with my mom?!?!” “No, I asked if you wanted to get tacos!”

-Where do I sign up for one of those jobs airbrushing pretty pictures on the bodies of nude models? That seems like a pretty sweet gig, wonder why my guidance counselor never mentioned that to me in high school.

-The next winning political slogan ought to be “Keep the change.”

-Finally! A grunge Barbie doll complete with tattoo stickers! [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Mattel-N4758-Totally-Stylin-Tattoos/dp/B001NXO1YE ]

-It’s a nice compliment when any average person tells you that you smell good, but it’s a whole world of difference when a cannibal tells you the same thing.

-It pays to be cheap.

-I don’t know about to the bone, but I’m definitely bad to the base of my hair follicles.

-Men don’t fluff pillows. In fact, we don’t “fluff” anything.

-The World Snail Racing Championships have been held annually for over 40 years, but only the 2007 event was cancelled due to inclement weather. You never know when you’ll need to know this kind of stuff for a television game show, so take notes if you have to.

-I wish diseases were 2,000,000 times larger, that way we could actually watch them take over towns and then get nuked into oblivion by our armed forces. I’m a sucker for good entertainment on my nightly news broadcasts.

-I bet the people who work in the toll booths on the highway wear diapers. I never see any bathrooms when I’m giving them my change.

-In the grand scheme of things, sometimes I can’t help but feel like the little pieces of rubber left over after the architect erased a huge mistake.

Gypsies, Toads, And Evildoers

Posted on by
1

-This will be the most difficult blog I’ve ever had to write; not because I have nothing funny to talk about, not because I’ve joined the CIA and been sworn to secrecy, not because I lost all of my fingers in a terrible jungle gym accident, but because I have two of my fingers stuck in an ancient Chinese finger trap. Okay to be honest, it’s not ancient, I bought it yesterday, and it actually says “Made in Taiwan”, not China, but still.

-I’m a strong advocate of fairness; I believe that we should all suffer equally.

-Debriefing sounds like something you do just before you hop in the shower or just before having sex.

-I’d like to hope that reincarnation is completely impossible, that way I don’t have to worry about coming back into this world as a drink coaster. That’d pretty much suck balls.

-Nothing irks me more than someone ruining the ending of a good porn flick.

-I was stuck in an elevator once. We were only in there for about an hour, but after 15 minutes or so I broke the silence and suggested that we eat one of the other stranded passengers. Apparently there is a time limit on how long you have to wait until suggesting cannibalism is considered plausible and acceptable.

-I end all of my emails and letters with “Ps. I was naked when I wrote this.” regardless of if it’s true or not. No one really appreciates it more than my Business Law teacher when I send in my homework.

-Nothing says “I couldn’t care less about what you think of me” like a hat that says “Fuck you” really big on it.

-If you’re not spitting blood and teary eyed after brushing your teeth than you’re not doing it right.

-Everyone has hobbies. One of mine is collecting paper. I have them sorted into stacks by what’s on them and I store them in different locations throughout my house. I keep the ones with “$” on them in a big metal box in my closet, the pieces of paper with song lyrics on them are kept with my music collection, I throw the ones that say “bill” on them in my garbage can, and the ones with pictures of naked people on them are kept under my bed.

-I had a dream last night that I was trapped inside of a kaleidoscope with dozens of furry animals. Then, after I saw the pictures on my friends phone, I realized I had just gotten totally plastered at Chucky Cheese and couldn’t find my way out of the ball pit.