-I’m a sponge full of smelly stale water and useless information.

-Every time I’m dreaming, just when it gets to the good part; right when I’m about to save the damsel in distress; the moment I’m about to solve the hangman puzzle; just as I’m about to pour the honey all over my naked body; right when I’m signing the contract on purchasing my first unicorn; my alarm goes off and wakes me up. Life isn’t fair.

-”Did you not just hear what I told you?”
“Sorry, I have my bullshit speech filter turned on. Give me a second… Okay, go ahead, what were you saying?”

-The Caps Lock key should be in all capitals, just to get the message across. The Insert key should be re-labeled to “Fucking hell! Did I push that one useless fucking button again?”

-Have you ever disliked someone so much that when you meet someone with the same name you cringe a little?

-My boss was telling me a story about her college life but I had to interrupt her to ask if her major was deflating hopes and dreams or if she just got a degree in distribution of duties.

-”I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.” – James Buchanan

-Every year, 150 people are killed by exercise equipment. Self-improvement that!

-Another interesting fact I found was that 900 women die annually during cunnilingus.

-Shaking hands with cactus plants and occasionally hugging a porcupine aren’t the only ways to find pricks; most of them are on television now and hold a seat in the government.

-When I grow up, I want to do something prestigious, like be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to eat the most hot dogs in an hour or something.

-Welcome to 191st day of the year. It will likely be just like the previous 190.

-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. So they’re pretty much just like humans.

-Success has enemies.