Tag Archives: cat

I Double Dog Dare You

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-If I had a pet dragon, I’d host more barbeque parties.

-It’d be really hard to hide the evidence if you were having a romantic affair with a giant Cheeto puff.

-I’m going to get my nipples pierced and then gauged so that way I have a place to hang my keys when I don’t have any pockets.

-Trapper Keeper binders don’t do a very good job of catching cats that stray into your yard.

-A turtle, a sloth and a snail walk into a bar… Nevermind, this joke is going nowhere fast.

-Overly starched britches are the next best thing to wearing a cardboard box as pants.

-I doubt that the expression “silent but deadly” was ever used to describe anything but farts.

-”Hush Puppies” was a slang term for women’s breasts before it became a popular southern food item.

-My junior year, I had a classmate that really was old school – he sat in the back row of the class and carved the end of his pencil with a hunting knife. When he wanted to write with ink he’d have to set up his ink well and quill pen set.

-A good band name would be “Fine Tonal Quality”. Their first album can be called “Fine Music Arranged In A Meaningful Succession”.

-Have you ever felt like your liver is on fire, your kidneys are full of acid and it feels like all of your fingernails are being bent back slowly? Me neither, but it sounds like it would hurt.

-The world economy is so bad that even brothels are making cutbacks. For example, in Germany, many brothels have added an all-you-can-eat type sexual arrangement instead of the customer paying for hourly services. While that method is new, they have had other special offers to help increase business such as discounts for disabled patrons, and 10% if you ride a bicycle or take public transportation to the brothel. [Article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/5922789/Recession-hit-brothels-offer-novel-promotions.html ]

-Picking out condoms and lube together as a couple isn’t romantic, even if it is by candlelight.

-Right now I’m recovering from a serious bubble gum flavored Pepto-Bismol addiction.

-Assume all strangers are assholes. You will be pleasantly surprised to find out that most of them turn out to just be jerks.

Obviously We Were Different Then

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-If I was like a cat and knew I had nine lives, I’d probably spend eight of them as a total floozy.

-With divorce as common as it is, I’m surprised there isn’t a Stepfather’s Day.

-No matter how you slice it, that one prick will always grab the piece of pizza that you were eyeing as soon as the lid was opened.

-The people who thought that steam engines would kill off the use of sailboats are probably the same ones who thought K-Mart was just as good as Wal-Mart.

-Do you think more people make plans to vacation in the Middle East or plan to vacation in Wyoming?

-”A woman is closest to being naked when she is well dressed. ” – Coco Chanel

-If it wasn’t for Mickey Mouse I don’t think people would have horrid fears about giant mice living in their houses.

-I can’t wait until I have my own house. I’ll put up my Christmas lights once and then just leave them up until they all burn out, and then I’ll just put another strand over the old ones.

-Prisoner 1: “I’m in here for double homicide. A man cut me off on the highway so I followed him home and killed him and his dog. What are you in for?”
Prisoner 2: “I got caught sharing torrent copies of Free Willy 2 on the Pirate Bay.”

-If there is a way to weasel out of something, then you better believe that weaseling out is going to be Plan A and anything else will only be a backup strategy.

-I was watching CNN last night and after a recent “national” survey they discovered that 29% of college kids binge-drink. Apparently, they really just polled one Mormon school in Iowa, because 29% sounds pretty damn low if you ask me.

-Thanks to games like Rock Band and Guitar Hero, arguments like “My fake band is better than yours!” can happen.

-If you had to be one, would you rather be a loser, a sellout, or a poseur? I think I’d be a sellout. At least a sell out is usually somewhat successful.

-No one wants to be second – that goes for everything from marathons to gangbangs.

-Pro Tip: If the sock puppet isn’t talking, then it’s probably just filled with a regular foot and not with a hand making whimsical gestures.