Tag Archives: character

Waging War Against Normalcy

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-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.

-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey

-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.

-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]

-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.

-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.

-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]

-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.

-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.

-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.

-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?

-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.

-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.

Eyes Wide Mouth Shut

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-Creativity is a pool, a public pool in fact. And well, sometimes a kid poops in your pool and everyone has to get out until the mess is all cleaned up.

-A teacher gave me her home phone number once. Said she wanted to talk with me about my dangling participle.

-Due to the recession, everything is taking a cutback, even the cake and cake stripper industry. Due to the tough economic times, bachelor parties, birthday parties, and first communions have had to resort to hiring midget and amputee strippers to cut back on the cost of the giant cake needed for the strippers to pop out of.

-Dumb people should die. On Saturday, a lady at the Berlin zoo thought it’d be a good idea to hop over the large cement wall and dive into the water with polar bears during feeding time. They then began to nibble on her plump fat rolls. [Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html#cnnSTCVideo ] Original article, pictures and video of the attack available at the link. It’s not that violent, but some might find the video disturbing: she’s plump, she’s soaking wet, and life rafts are breaking in half as rescuers try to hoist her to safety… Oh yeah, and there are some bears trying to eat her.

-It’s fine if you want to have Jesus as your co-pilot, but I don’t recommend him as your D.D.

-You know a shitty feeling? Doing your tax return and finding out you actually owe the government money instead.
 
-You know an even shittier feeling? Getting a tattoo and one of the words are spelt wrong.

-The only bunnies I care to hear about on Easter weekend are the Playboy bunnies. In fact, they’re the only bunnies I ever care to hear about. Fuck bunnies. “Fuck bunnies” should be the new slang for couples who procreate too frequently.

-Being able to confidently walk up to a cash register and purchase a tub of lube says a lot about your character.

-I have many ambitions in life; one is to spend a week being nothing but cougar meat, and by cougar I do not mean the feline.

-The best nights of your life won’t be spent sleeping.

-Keep this secret between just you and me, but you’re favorite reader. Seriously, you’re great.