-I haven’t been able to gauge which one is better after a night of partying; waking up naked, or waking up fully clothed in what I wore the night before.
-I love a good story about people wasting their lives searching for the fountain of youth. So much irony.
-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who names feathers in their hat anyway? This shit keeps me awake at night.
-You can wear a sports jersey if: (1) you actually play the damn sport, (2) you are at the actual sporting event, (3) you are sleeping with the athlete whose name is on the jersey. If you are not meeting the requirements of (1) or (2), then (3) will be assumed.
-“I miss you as much as I miss the toilet when I’m drunk.”
-Even if you eat Cheetos with a knife and fork, you will still somehow have orange crumbs on all of your fingertips. Even if you eat Cheetos while wearing a fully enclosed biological suit you will still get orange crumbs on your fingertips, that shit is inescapable.
-Zombies hate nothing more than a boarded up entryway.
-On slow afternoons I memorize the words to porno movies.
-Earlier this week I had a day where it seemed everything I touched, I broke. I was too terrified to use the restroom.
-One does not dabble in the friend zone. Foot, thigh, waist, shoulders, head; the friend zone swallows you whole.
-“Why are you dressed like a pirate? Halloween isn’t for months.”
“It’s laundry day.”
“But you had to wear the eye patch?”
“It completes the outfit!”
-No one wants to go down on their significant other and feel like they’re talking to ZZ Top.
-As a man, I can confidently inform the female population that getting sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine is a terrible idea. Those articles are not typically written by heterosexual males, so the validity of the information is highly questionable and subject to great bias. You’d be better off asking a nun what men like in the bedroom.