-When choosing legal council, I always go with the lawyer with the most terrible commercial. If he/she is so eager for work that they are willing to make a complete ass of themselves on public television, then I know they will be able to focus solely on my case.
-All of the good women are taken, but that little hiccup hasn’t stopped me yet.
-What goes around comes around; like Ferris Wheels, merry-go-rounds, umbrellas, balls, and some hats.
-You know your child’s future is rather bleak when the guidance counselor suggests your child look into forklift operating as a potential college major.
-If you believe in Jesus, it isn’t asking much of you to consider the possibility of a zombie outbreak in the future.
-No one can do the robot better than an actual robot. That’s how the machines will take over one day, first it’s our dance moves, then it’s our souls.
-Someone once told me “Remember these words, for they will save your life one day.” Pretty amazing stuff. Words, these, will, for, they, day, remember, life, save, your, one. Wonder how that’s going to save me… Is it a password or something? Will I be forced into a game of real-life Hangman and those are the answers to the puzzle? Only time will tell.
-There are many more things in our broom closet that just brooms. In fact, I don’t think there is even a broom in there at all…
-Corporate sponsors never forget.
-Remember to always burn all incriminating evidence.
-Pimps should start using an Employee of The Month program to boost moral a bit.
-I save all of my Christmas candy canes to give out to trick-or-treaters the following year.
-A naked game of Twister sounds like fun until left-hand green, left-leg yellow, and right-leg red. Then things just take a turn for the worse.
-To whoever does the marketing for Icy Hot, I implore you to create an ad campaign around Blue Oyster Cult’s “I’m Burnin’ For You”.
-If you’re going to get addicted to drugs, I at least hope it’s Children’s Tylenol in the bubblegum flavor. That shit is delicious!