-I can’t dance; I don’t even pretend to be okay at it. So, at parties I just tell people I have a basal ganglia problem and they leave me alone about it. Unfortunately, then they spread rumors thinking it’s an STD I have and not a brain disorder.
-I start every social gathering with a lovely chorus of “If You’re Happy And You Know It”. I just add the line “If you’re not happy, then get the fuck out.” It’s a quick way to weed out the depressed people that are sure to start drama once they consume alcohol.
-As you get older, the number of dots needed to make a connect-the-dots puzzle fun gradually increases as your worldly experiences grow and your imagination deteriorates. “It’s a giraffe. Next puzzle…” “It’s the Eifel Tower. Next…” “It’s me stabbing myself in the face with this pencil because this isn’t any fun.”
-I played so much of Assassin’s Creed II that I can speak pretty competent Italian now.
-Not sure if your new love interest is a slut/man-whore? Here’s an easy way to find out: ask them to draw a picture of the opposite sex’s private parts. If they can draw a better picture of your plumbing that you can, you’re probably dating a person who gets around faster than mono at a kissing booth.
-I find it suspicious that British people never sound British when they sing. I think their entire country is faking the accent just to be different.
-To save time with all of my bathroom visits, I finish every meal by eating two sheets of paper towels.
-It’s quite difficult to throw away a garbage can.
-If you run backwards down a flight of stairs fast enough you just might trip and hit your head really hard and forget who you are. That’s not quite like time travel, but it’s pretty close if you really think about it.
-You know it’s Christmas time if even when checking out online, there is a wait time and they’re out of shopping carts.
-I have a great idea! Caffeine is an appetite suppressor and while you sleep your body stores fat, right? I have new diet craze ready to sweet the nation! For fourteen days I’ll drink nothing but coffee and never go to sleep! This is will be great! Come on America lets lose those muffin tops, love handles, and those man-boobs that are starting to resemble actual boobs!
-Never play hide and seek with your Alzheimer grandma. If you can’t find her, she just might stay hidden inside the basement closet until she withers away to dust.
-”Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.”