Tag Archives: cleavage

As Serious As An Erection Problem

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Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.

-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.

-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.

-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!

-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador

-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?

-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!

-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.

-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.

-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.

-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.

-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.

-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.

-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.

-Ignorance is not bliss.

Keeping Score, With Fingers And Toes

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-I’m not too sure about victory, but I definitely know the smell of utter defeat.

-I think I can speak on behalf of all men when I say that it is really fucking hard to focus when there is an abundant amount of cleavage in a room.

-There’s no better way to learn awkward information about your friends than through a rousing game of Never Have I Ever.

-My mind likes to play tricks on me. I tell him he’s really smart and he makes me do stupid things to impress girls.

-People skills are an important tool for proper social interactions. Dropping your pants in the middle of a crowded room and singing Kumbaya is not a demonstration of proper people skills.

-I’m compiling a list of names. A list of names of people I’d like to see thrown into a giant vat of Jell-O.

-The tagline “This will make your dick explode!” is a terrible attempt at promotion even if it’s for a male enhancement pill.

-Amputation is the new option for people who want to lose a quick 10-20lbs.

-If I had a pet dinosaur, the first trick I’d teach him would be how to play extinct. The second trick I’d teach him would be to not eat me.

-If a blind person tells you to “Watch out!” is he a liar and a total prick or does he just have a great sense of humor?

-With the proper number of stamps attached to your face, you should be able to mail yourself anywhere in the world.

-If the devil is real, I’m almost certain he has at least a part-time position at the DMV.

-Lines of advice that rhyme or are typically presented in a limerick form are usually not good advice.

-The ambition to be invited onto a tour bus for a night of intense passion with a famous person is quickly overshadowed by the depths of which your morals will have to sink in order to go through with the act.

-Here’s a little advice that might get you through the week: If you can’t swim, don’t rock the boat.