-There’s nothing more dangerous that a girl with legs who knows how to use them.
-Your flirty love letter could quickly become mistaken for a death threat with just a few punctuation errors. For example, “Drop dead gorgeous.” and “Drop dead, gorgeous.” Always proof read.
-”No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.” – Alfred Smith
-My only hope is that after a few more years of global warming, we’ll be able to get two summer breaks every year.
-When you get older tell them not to worry, it’s not a bald spot, it’s just a solar panel for a sex machine.
-I ordered a mail order bride, but it looked like the UPS guy dropped the package a few times, so I had to return her.
-No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a good storyteller. That’s why every time you tattle you should always embellish and elaborate well beyond the bounds of reality.
-People continue to validate my inherent mistrust of strangers.
-If you went to a very believable fortuneteller and she told you that you would die while making love, would you abstain from sex? I’d just go with it; I don’t think there’s a better way to die.
-I am declaring a war on all polyester/cotton blends.
-I hate grammar with a passionate.
-The problem with faking your death is that you can only do it once, so you have to make sure that the problems and predicaments you are in will surely be resolved when your bus full of poisonous snakes and large amounts of fireworks “suddenly” explodes.
-Leopard print -anything- isn’t sexy.
-If a fifth of Scotch doesn’t solve your problems, try another fifth.
-There are night owls, early birds, and then there’s me. I’m more of a mid-day duckling.
-I enjoy judging others as much as I enjoy being judged, which is a way to say I hate them both.