-If at first you don’t succeed and if you can’t say anything nice, make like a tree and never take no for an answer. Then turn the other cheek, get your panties in a wad, make lemonade, and beat a dead horse until the fat lady sings… Or however the saying goes.
-I’m going through a hard time in my life right now; that little awkward stage between puberty and death.
-The secret to staying young is to make forts in the living room on rainy days. The secret to staying old is walking into the living room and destroying any forts that might persist there.
-I had my own reality show, but after hours of pointless exposition and several predictable plot twists, producers realized the show was a bad idea and cancelled it before the first season ever aired.
-The Book of Eli would be just as compelling of a movie if instead of the last bible, Eli was carrying with him the last Dr. Seuss book.
-What happened to B-size batteries? There’s plenty of A’s, why no B’s?
-Nothing will get you in more trouble faster than an idea.
-Is it wrong that I have a burning desire to find those happy couples in the eHarmony television ads and purposely break them up using forged sexy e-mails and photoshopped pictures of them with other lovers?
-It’s not really summertime in Texas until getting the mail in your bare feet gives you second degree burns on the bottom of your feet.
-You’re the wind beneath my wings and the jumbo jet crushing my face.