Tag Archives: costumes

Slightly Sketchy With A Chance Of Bullshit

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-My morals are questionable, my beliefs… also questionable… my sexual appetite; undoubtedly insatiable.

-If you have to take medicine for the side-effects of other medicine you have to take, then the medical industry has failed you.

-Worst single’s website screen name for a female: Miss Manslaughter.
Worst single’s website screen name for a male: No Means Yes Please.

-I wonder what terrible things could escalate from me hiring two private detectives to follow one another.

-The best way to get a free pen or pencil is to borrow one from the person next to you and chew on the end of it.

-I’m rubber and you’re glue, so your sexual advances are leaving us both in a sticky, sticky, rubbery mess.

-The only more awkward than the question “Excuse me, where can I find the hemorrhoid cream?” is the response “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

-“That’s what she said” jokes are funny, because they aren’t very likely; “That’s what he said” jokes aren’t funny because they’re just true stories.

-Holding hands and thumb war are only a few digit-placements away; proof of the thin line between love and total annihilation.

-If Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores without social ramifications then Halloween is also my chance to be a complete womanizer and cross-eyed cleavage gawker!

-Kicking and screaming is a good way to get what you want anywhere but a china store.

-If you tilt your head a little to the left and squint one eye, this sentence makes even less sense but you’ll look like you just discovered something extremely puzzling to anyone else watching you.

-Until I was about 9 years old, every diagram of the human skeletal system had a “sex bone”. It just made sense.

-I never knew punctuation could be so scary until I heard a friend’s reaction to his girlfriend missing a period.

-I drink a lot to avoid the consequences of being sober enough to be confronted about my drinking problem by my friends, peers, and coworkers.

Ten Insider Trick-Or-Treating Tips And Strategies

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Here are ten great ways to make the best of gathering delicious sweets from the hands of strangers.

 

goodhousebadhouse

Instant Death vs Instant Delicious

Location, Location, Location: There is a trick to picking your haunts, avoid houses that look like the home of an actual serial killer and skip houses that are so huge they have more than one front door. You’re looking for the middle class residents, the ones in nice homely houses with some festive decorations up. There is a story floating around that the giant mansions in gated communities are giving out king size candy bars and handfuls of money, but that’s just an urban legend spread by the unlucky fools trickin’ and treatin’ in the shitty parts of town on the other side of the railroad tracks.

 

mansion

Good luck getting past the snipers and the trip wire mines.

Plan Your Route: Like any good military strategist you need to have a solid battle plan. Are you going to hit up elderly Miss Robinson’s house before 6pm or risk coming at 7pm and her being passed out after watching Columbo? How is the weather? If it’s raining, your feet better be hitting the pavement. That’s the golden hour of candy fetching. There’s no better time to snag the loot than when the candy-givers think you might be the last trick-or-treater they ever see.

 

costumes

These kids are doing it right. Butterfly pumpkin? Seriously, WTF?

Pick A Cute Costume: By cute, I don’t mean going with some low cut top showing cleavage or going with some tight shorts that show off your moose knuckle [male version of camel toe]. No, no, by cute I mean going with a costume that is adorable, something not store bought, something ragtag, mismatched, homemade, and nearly pathetic. Your goal is to be something iconic, but make them almost feel sorry for you having to wear that getup in public.

 

multimask

Or hell, you could just be every member of Slipknot.

Simple Garbs And Multiple Masks: If you really can’t get the last hint to work in your favor, the next option is to be dubious in how you amass your sweets. The trick here is to wear really simple garbs as the bulk of your costume, like a black robe, a hooded gown, or a black dress. Now here’s the devious part; bring along multiple masks. Go to the door say the magic words ["Trick or treat". "Please" has no place on all hallows' eve.], then head back to the end of the driveway and switch your face then go back to the door. Maybe talk with an accent this time to really seal the deal.

 

candystash

Pictures like these make dentists smile.

Start Early, Double Hit Houses: Time is money, start early. In my area 5pm is about as early as deemed acceptable. Now if you managed to follow the pathetic-homemade-costume rule above, here’s how you can double hit houses: start early before everyone else and then come back to the same houses during rush time. Approach the door with groups of trick-or-treaters you don’t know. If the homeowner calls you out, play dumb: “But mister, it’s dark now, I didn’t realize I had already been down this street.” “I can barely see out of this mask, I thought you were a woman!” You just doubled your candy gathering rate. Congratulations, your dentist will be pleased.

 

treatersonthejob

It's a tough world out there. Hopefully your costume includes two pairs of underwear.

Best Behavior: Be patient, old people move slow. Sure he might only be dropping in one piece of candy that looks like it was made during World War II, but that’s one more piece of candy than you had before. Be polite, compliment their Halloween costume but hope that they really are wearing a mask and that their face isn’t really just that messed up. If they are handing you candy you like, emphasize that that is your favorite candy. Tell them that no one else is giving out that candy tonight and that you’ve been looking forward to sinking your teeth into those sweet morsels all evening. If you aren’t that outgoing then act shy, not too shy though. I mean you’ve got to at least mutter “Trick or treat!” with some gusto, but act shy enough to convince them that this is your first time trick-or-treating. If you’re a teenager, perhaps you should have a back story of how you just immigrated to this country as an excuse of why you haven’t done this before.

 

amateurtortreat

Amateur.

Carrying Your Treasures: Most schmucks will bring a little plastic jack-o-lantern to collect their candy in. Leave that shit to the amateurs – you’re here for business. Bring along one of those iconic orange and black plastic containers, but, and here’s the secret, also bring along a king size pillow case. What you want to do here is every time you go up to a house, put just a handful of candy in your plastic bucket and offer that to the candy-giver and then before you move on to the next house, dump some of the candy into your pillowcase that you’re concealing from the homeowners. Everyone likes to give stuff to the needy, if they see your pillow case, they’ll probably be stingy on you.

 

tricktreaters

The competition.

Filter Out The Crap: Upon transitioning your candy from the plastic bucket to your pillow case, filter out the crap you don’t want. We’re not only focusing on quantity here, our goal is obscene amounts of quality sweets as well.

 

candybowl

Be the jerk and all of this could be yours.

Be A Total Jerk: If someone isn’t home and they leave a note about only taking one piece of candy, be the jerk and take the whole damn bowl. If you don’t do it someone who comes by after you surely will.

 

candy

I can feel your blood-sugar level trembling already.

Stash Your Own Stash: In the days and weeks leading up to Halloween, surely your parents will start to accumulate a few bags of candy to give out to your competitors. Tilt the odds in your favor and every day take a little bit of the candy out of the bowl and stash it away for yourself. It’s a dog eat dog world, well, it’s a dog eat your candy so you eat the dog’s candy first world.

Follow these little tips and you just might have enough candy to last you until next year. If you’re lucky, you won’t become a diabetic by Christmas Eve.

Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

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Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

 

Women’s Costumes

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The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

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figure 2

If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

figure 3

figure 3

What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

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Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

 

Men’s Costumes

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Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume.  Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

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Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

figure 3

figure 3

Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

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figure 4

Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

 

Couple’s Costumes

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These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

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The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!