Tag Archives: crayons

Drunk With Power And Whiskey Mostly Whiskey

Posted on by
Reply

-Everyday is a toga party if you just stay wrapped up in your bed sheets.

-There is a fine line between coloring inside the lines and coloring outside the lines.

-I reward attention whores with encouragement. Encouragement for them to take their attention-seeking to new heights; to get them to do things that they will spend weeks trying to forget. They like attention; I like being entertained by other people’s stupidity, win-win.

-If the waiter doesn’t provide me with a box of crayons to draw on the tablecloth then I am in a restaurant I don’t want to be in.

-Appendages matter. Pulling someone’s hair, someone’s finger and someone’s leg all have completely different implications and consequences.

-The fastest way to get caught in the act of armed robbery would be to hold up a doughnut shop.

-I will forever be perplexed by how often people say “I understand” when they clearly don’t understand a damn thing at all.

-If a book or documentary is going identify by name the first and last soldiers killed during a war, they should show respect and take the effort and the time to identify every soldier that died.

-If you live in a glass house, throwing stones should be only one of many of your concerns. Using the restroom, changing clothes, and pretty much anything involving nakedness should also be of high consideration on your list of things you probably shouldn’t be doing.

-Any chair can be a lawn chair; location, location, location.

-Interventions are the worst kinds of surprise parties.

-”My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates

A Long Time Coming

Posted on by
Reply

-Which color crayons do you think taste the best?

-If you have ever thought “Well, at least Valentine’s Day isn’t an expensive holiday.” you are a woman.

-As a personal rule to myself, I try to avoid people who treat me like an umbrella. The people who let you sit there, dormant in the corner, until they need you to block the shit falling on them from the sky. Then, and only then, are you two best friends.

-But I’m a sucker for a nice smile.

-eHarmony and Match.com are the internet’s version of writing “For a good time call…” on a bathroom stall. Can’t complain though, a dates a date.

-If I had to create a PowerPoint presentation for my own funeral, I’d never die.

-If I’m ever caught in the middle of some life threatening emergency or crisis, I’m going to turn to the nearest woman and hurriedly demand “Quick! Take off your bra! I have an idea on how to get us out of here!” And then we’ll just play it by ear from there.

-Overheard on the toy aisle or adult supply store:
“Should we get extra batteries in case she doesn’t get tired of playing with it?”
“I like that it lights up and makes noises, I don’t like that it’s small enough to swallow.”
“Poseable positions and karate chop action! This is amazing!”
“I’m not sure if this will fit in my ass.”

-The beginning of the year is always the hardest for me. I can never decide on what calendar to get and most times it takes me nearly 6 months to make a decision.

-I wish I could pick my own nickname. I’d be the Cuddle Monster.

- CSI coloring book. Someone make this.

-With every new social network I hate people more and more. Funny how that works.

-The only thing filthier than my mouth is my mind, so until they come up with Abraxo Brain Cleaner, you’re just going to have to deal with it.

-It’s always going to be sour grapes with you.

Super Obnoxious

Posted on by
1

-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

I Cannot Find My Other Half

Posted on by
Reply

-Welcome to the unofficial national wiener roasting day. Lest we forget that today is actually the day to honor the roughly 668,268 men and women who have died in combat defending this country.

-I’m so good at calling in to work that I convinced my employer that my grandmother passed away last week and I was able to skip more work when I told them this week that she was resuscitated and needed me to help her move into her new condominium.

-If Crayons tasted as delicious as they look, everyone would be an art major.

-I wish I was a celebrity; everyone would know my name, I could buy whatever I wanted, everyone would want to take a picture with me, and I could occasionally get away with murder.

-New slang: Organ donor – Refers to any male or female who has sex frequently, donating their reproductive organs to others.

-Back in my day, you actually had to turn the pencil inside the sharpener to sharpen it.

-It’s a personal rule of mine to never get intimately involved with a girl described as “loosey-goosey”. I recommend you adopt it as a rule yourself.

-I learned this weekend that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

-Happy endings only exist in massage parlors and fairy tales.

-In these tough economic times, it wouldn’t surprise me if the leader of a large occult was sued for using the Kool-Aid brand without the proper copyright permission.

-Anytime you’re watching a thriller movie, during the opening credits, the actor whose name comes right after the main character is usually the killer.

-Unfortunately, I only have enough extremities to count to 21.

-”Time heals all wounds” is a polite way of saying “This shit won’t matter in a month so I’d rather not waste my time giving you any suggestions on how to get over it because I know you’re just going to ignore my advice and do whatever the fuck you want anyway… You cunt.”

-Plan-A never works, Plan-B almost never works, and no one ever has a Plan-C until Plan-B fucks up terribly.

-Pro-Tip: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck. It’s probably a damn duck.

-Have you ever stopped all of a sudden and thought to yourself “Where the hell am I and why am I naked?” Happens to me at least once every day it seems.

-She’s the misfortune to all of my luck.