Tag Archives: creativity

Overwhelming The Underwhelmed

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-On every first date I go on, I try to work a few very important questions casually into the conversation: 1) Have you ever cut a man’s dick off? 2) Was your uncle cremated and do you keep his remains in a milk jug in the refrigerator? And 3) Have you ever contemplated chopping a man’s wiener off? If she answers those three questions satisfactory then I’ll probably arrange to see her again.

-Sexy dorky people shall now be referred to as “storky”.

-Life certainly is a highway, but unfortunately I know a few people that just can’t seem to leave their driveway.

-Ordering sushi at a restaurant instead of cooked meat is like wanting a gallon of milk and having to buy a cow at a grocery store. Just hang on to that shit until it’s ready for me to consume.

-I came up with some new dance moves last night. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I’d relate it to how a person would look if an alien suddenly burst from their sternum and then did a little jazz hands at the end.

-You a name that would really suck to have? Dickface Cockbag III.

-Have you ever tried to teach a zombie some table manners? It’s really hard to get it through their head that they shouldn’t play with their food and that they ought to use some napkins and not be such messy eaters. Not to mention that the entire time you’re trying to teach them they’re trying to disembowel you and wear your face as a hat.

-There are several types of deaths in movies that you just can’t ever take seriously and they always have at least a little bit of comic value. One death that comes to mind in particular is anyone being killed by a harpoon gun that isn’t underwater or dressed in scuba gear.

-It doesn’t matter that you lost, what matters is what you learned from your failures. For example, now you know exactly how not to win a $5,000 grand prize. That might be useful.

-Pro Tip: You mop floors by holding onto the dry end.

-My love life can be summed up in one simple equation: Me = Life – Love

-My creativity knows no bounds. Nor does it recognize any laws, moral boundaries, personal standards, or social norms.

Eyes Wide Mouth Shut

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-Creativity is a pool, a public pool in fact. And well, sometimes a kid poops in your pool and everyone has to get out until the mess is all cleaned up.

-A teacher gave me her home phone number once. Said she wanted to talk with me about my dangling participle.

-Due to the recession, everything is taking a cutback, even the cake and cake stripper industry. Due to the tough economic times, bachelor parties, birthday parties, and first communions have had to resort to hiring midget and amputee strippers to cut back on the cost of the giant cake needed for the strippers to pop out of.

-Dumb people should die. On Saturday, a lady at the Berlin zoo thought it’d be a good idea to hop over the large cement wall and dive into the water with polar bears during feeding time. They then began to nibble on her plump fat rolls. [Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html#cnnSTCVideo ] Original article, pictures and video of the attack available at the link. It’s not that violent, but some might find the video disturbing: she’s plump, she’s soaking wet, and life rafts are breaking in half as rescuers try to hoist her to safety… Oh yeah, and there are some bears trying to eat her.

-It’s fine if you want to have Jesus as your co-pilot, but I don’t recommend him as your D.D.

-You know a shitty feeling? Doing your tax return and finding out you actually owe the government money instead.
 
-You know an even shittier feeling? Getting a tattoo and one of the words are spelt wrong.

-The only bunnies I care to hear about on Easter weekend are the Playboy bunnies. In fact, they’re the only bunnies I ever care to hear about. Fuck bunnies. “Fuck bunnies” should be the new slang for couples who procreate too frequently.

-Being able to confidently walk up to a cash register and purchase a tub of lube says a lot about your character.

-I have many ambitions in life; one is to spend a week being nothing but cougar meat, and by cougar I do not mean the feline.

-The best nights of your life won’t be spent sleeping.

-Keep this secret between just you and me, but you’re favorite reader. Seriously, you’re great.

Come And Take A Ride On The Guillotine

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-Sam’s Club isn’t really a club – they don’t have a secret handshake.

-I want to strongly encourage creativity in my children, so when there isn’t anymore room left for drawings on the fridge, I’ll buy a bigger fridge.

-Free Willy 3? Come on! How much fucking trouble can one whale get into? You freed him once and you would think he learned his lesson the first time.

-If everyone’s fists were made out of chocolate cake, then being punched in the face would be delicious.

-When I was nine I accidentally knocked up my imaginary friend. Two years later, we got a divorce and haven’t spoken since. I have a pretty vivid imagination.

-Eventually, they’ll run out of inhabitable places and there’ll be episodes of Survivorman where Les Stroud will have survive a week trapped inside Yankee Stadium, or Survivorman: Circus Town where Les Stroud has to last the entire week going around in circles on a carousel.

-I have a wine taste on a beer budget. If only that was reversed, then I’d be content with just having a ridiculous amount of beer.

-Where do you think you would go crazy the fastest: being trapped inside a bathroom stall or being trapped inside an elevator? I need to know so that if either happens, I can tell myself, “Well it could be worse, I could be trapped inside a bathroom stall/elevator.” You’ve got to stay positive in these times of crisis.

-The word “love” has become far too common place these days, so when I’m really emotional about something I say that I adore it. Unfortunately, when my last girlfriend told me she loved me and I replied that I adore her, she broke up with me.

-There should be at least a 5 year waiting time before you can put “…Since 2008!” or “Established 2007.” on your company slogan.

-Being a clumsy person is getting peanut butter and jelly in your hair when you’re eating a grilled cheese sandwich.

-A clear conscious is a sign of a terrible memory.

-Life goes on; it always does, until it doesn’t.